self-sufficient...

i am so incredibly frustrated right now and i dont feel like talking to an actual person about any of it because that will either result in an "aw, that sucks man..." or some kind of speech of give&take of marriage or selfishness or some other shit i really, really am not interested in. so in a sense, this is like regression to childhood writing in a diary. dear diary!
this frustration doesnt just stem from one thing. or person. i've been on a little journey to eating "clean". thankfully (and unfortunately), there's a little population of thin, gym-addicted, sometimes-housewives out there who practice this and shares lots of awesome recipes i've been trying out. i like the idea of clean eating, and until recently, i didn't even know it had a title. i just thought it was eating non-mainstream. not drinking the kool-aid, basically (and literally). i've cut out almost all processed food. in a way, thats a little bit of a lie. i mean, i still use canned diced tomatoes (seriously, can NOT beat that convenience. i tried, and there was not enough taste difference to justify cutting up a dozen tomatoes by hand...) i'm going to effectively cut out dairy products and probably drop almond milk because i don't drink it enough to justify wasting money on a carton i'll end up dumping out.
my main staples lately have been tomato based sauces. i tried some turkey last night and it was alright. don't know if that will be a weekly thing.
anyways, im rambling. i've been buying this healthy food and i'm never sure if i have to feed everyone else in the house (i'm the weird one that eats weird shit) or if i'll get stuck eating all of what i made. it's hit or miss. THAT is fucking annoying. either switch over to my diet or let's lay it out what is and what isn't happening.
which brings me to my next point... what exactly IS this? i suppose most of it is my doing, with my "who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?!" attitude. either way, i enjoy my new-found freedom, even if i'm not slagging it up. everything i've learned since those days has made me a little jaded about slagging. but it would be cool to have my own joint to decorate how i want to, not feel guilty if i do something and not feel like i have an authority figure staring me down.

i like to think of myself as a very self-sufficient/reliable person. i won't buy something on credit- cant afford it now? dont buy it now. i can feed myself. i can shelter myself. but theres a semblance of a safety net that's available to me and when i find myself using it, i just feel myself getting pissed at how unreliable it is. i hate someone that doesnt take initiative. i hate someone that wont just do something the way i tell them to do it. i hate someone that thinks their animalistic ways are better than mine.
while we're on the subject of shit i hate, i hate motherfuckers who need constant reassuring. i am not your goddamn therapist. i am not here to talk you into being here in the first place. you must have me confused for someone who gives a shit.
i wish shit could just be simple. it's not like any of it matters, anyways. why does there always have to be a fight. or insincerity, or some huge fucking finale.
lately, i've been going out with friends on the weekends which is a huge shift from my "fuck everybody and doing anything with anybody cus you're all fucking gay" stance. now, assuming i have gone out 10 times; of those tens times, there has been some fucking dramatic, negative downward spiral at least 8 times. and that is from EVERYBODY. from the possible gay guy who apparently hit on every dude and then got weird, to the dude who took off running because he was acting stupid and i corrected him and then proceeded to walk ten fucking miles back home after i chased him down in the goddamn rain, to the dude who threatened to kill everybody in the house during a game of beer pong, to the crazy stalker broad that shows up out of nowhere, to getting jumped at ihop...
is it too boring to go out, get drunk, have fun, talk shit and everybody pass out without hurt feelings if they're not getting laid? holy shit, batman.

but all of these things are in an effort to do something. have some kind of passion or joie de vivre or just something to give a fuck about. when someone asks me why i bother eating so healthy when i'm just going to go smoke a cigarette later... well no shit. i'm not trying to live forever. but if i give no fucks about anything, might as well end this ride sooner rather than later. but instead of that, i say "cus fuck the man for thinking he can get over on us with their usda and fda. at least the cigarette companies tell you their product will kill you".

cus really, we're all going to get got, anyways.


oh. i ended up on some blog though pinterest about "7 different ways to wow your spouse" and it had nifty little ideas for everyday of the week. if by nifty, i mean horrifically boring. i have a theory that people have families to avoid all ^that^ up there. something to keep them going. something to leave behind, as if it mattered.
never bothering to consider how terrifyingly boring and frog-in-the-well that is.
so you have three kids before thirty and you're stuck devising pasta casseroles every night to feed your family of five, no personality and you're left coming up with seven different ways to wow your spouse, like "thank him for everything he does during the day, like 'thank you for going to work'". motherfucker, it's your JOB. when the spice of the dynamic is gone, it's gone. lightly touching him every time you walk by won't stop him from fucking his secretary because he's bored of his no-personality, casserole-making, child-factory wife that he's stuck with for the next 20 years.


oh, people.
the things we do to keep ourselves from going fucking crazy.