i was born with an invisible locket around my neck. only half of a heart. the right half. the half that said, 'BE.' everyone else had the 'MINE.'

what a humbling experience when you are proven again and again and again (THREE TIMES! THREE ACCOUNTS!) that the only person you can rely on is yourself. to think anything otherwise is just being delusional. 


what a fucking shame.

-Oscar Wilde

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.

whaat.

turns out i think arab men are le hot. 
that is all.

i still cant focus on anything.

for the longest time, my advice to people ends with "do what makes you happy". obviously, over the past couple years, ive been super unhappy. stagnant. realistic with pessimistic undertones because, fuck it- we're all going to die anyways. the therapist in maryland said i am probably depressed but i didn't bother following up with a psychologist. if i can't figure something out on my own, do i really deserve to know?

anyways. the key here is my unhappiness. it's pretty multifaceted. it's stems from everywhere. from being married to someone i share nothing in common with and have too shitty a background with to bother giving a fuck anymore, to feeling hopeless about my education, to not being able to stand 99% of my friends. yeah, i know that makes me sound like a depressed whiny mf'er. which is why i just float through like being stagnant and unhappy. i GET that it's a cycle. it might even feed into itself. i'd have to break out of this in order to verify that, by the way.

i started taking some more college, working towards that psychology degree and i realized that the field of psychology draws in some really annoying people. like HUMINT, in the military, psychology attracts people who think that being able to analyze and "mindfuck" someone and read them and know when they're lying, etc, is a superpower. newsflash, it's not. anyone can do it. all it takes is someone who has nothing better to do than invest a fuck ton of energy on understanding one person. once you have that intimate information about them, what then? 

see. even something i genuinely thought was kind of interesting kind of isn't. what will never devalue, if you will, is my deep desire to HELP. speak for those who have no voice, walk for those chained down, etc, etc. haha, how many liberal arts/human rights degrees are there? the world isn't interested in martyrs and mother theresas. that doesn't pay the bills. and whereas doing something i love for a living sounds great, not drowning in bills and debt sounds even better. i've made it to 23 with pretty good credit (not really even sure if i have credit) and only a car payment. that person i'm legally obligated to has about 6 years on me and definitely can't say the same. underwhelmed, to say the least. 

he's been talking divorce recently. asking me for an effort to fix this. funny, he is the one who conditioned me to be this way since 2009. be careful what you wish for, as they say. unfortunately, this is still my mess to clean. so either way, i fucking lose.

so to bring this in a semi-full circle, happiness vs unhappiness. the thing is, i really have no idea WHAT makes me happy. you know how some people are like "if i could just have more money..." or "if i was married..." well, i don't have those kinds of what-ifs. mainly because i've had all of those before. i make great money. i'm not saying money cant or can buy happiness (it's easier to cry in a mansion, guys.), i'm just saying that won't do it for me. neither will meeting the "perfect" dude since i've never had much of an issue in that department, either. maybe finishing a degree? but i -know- i'll be burnt out before it's all said and done, so i'll keep moving towards that endstate, but it won't bring sheer and unabated happiness. it will only be an accomplishment. one that people do everyday, so not really a big feat. 

so here we are. maybe i'm a miser of sorts. maybe there is a legitimate concern dealing with my emotion state of being. or maybe things really aren't that exciting. 

i do know that i'm sick of being married to someone i resent a LOT. 

and that's probably the worst part of it all. 

anyways. thats the quest.

WHAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY?