we are all losing.

everything is so sad and it is all so far away and all of it hurts very much.

always on the run

motherfuck. goddamn. so i end up finding something to focus on and pour a little of myself out. it's important to separate pieces of yourself out so that you do not lose all of you one day. conservation. so that is what i did because it seems easier to apply the 'sink of swim' method of thinking it seems easier if maybe i make things so horrible that maybe something right will happen because that shit works all the time. so that is what i am doing. 
ive spread myself so thin though and once again there is hardly anything left and i'm doing all the wrong things for all the wrong reason and it is insanity. it is all just so sad. and now i dont want to leave even if theres nothing here. but on the flip side there is nothing there either.

the tragic comedy.

we're always waiting for that day that will never come
the ring that will never sound
the knock that wont be heard
the confession that wont be spoken
the apologies that wont be whispered
the passion that wont be screamed
the message that will never be sent
the announcement that wont be made
we're always waiting on our tiptoes and nerves on end and our well rehearsed reaction sharp in our mind. we are hoping against all odds. we just want this to be a reality. we want more than anything to feel bliss. we simply want and we will always simply want what we cannot have.


ha at life!

SERIOUSLY?

seriously though did tonight really just happen? how gay. tonight was gay. terrifically gay like it had so much potential to be super awesome and i was with some cool cats and then suddenly everything went to shit because of stupid technology and now im back in my hotel.


the grass is infinitely always greener on the other side. and it comes down to just what side you like better. the one youre comfortable in or the one you want to get comfortable in.

whoever is around

i find myself becoming happier and loving things. but then again it is going to go away in a day or two. so lets not drink to that just yet.


RISE AGAINST IS COMING OUT WITH THEIR NEW ALBUM IN MARCH. fucks yes fucks yes FUCKS YES.
every day is better than the last the past few days but like i said... going out for beers in a few but probably tomorrow i will be drinking a margarita for the homies. 




i had totally forgotten that i am a creature of my elements like i mean that i totally vibe off whoever is around me and if i am around totally fucking awesome people who make things totally awesome and only awesome things come out of their mouth or like if they are just amazingly gorgeous than i am so fucking ecstatic about shit but usually i am surrounded by a porn addicted anime video game fanatic and that is the opposite of awesome that is actually reallysuperfuckinggay and that is why i have nothing in common with my common people. SO. maybe it is time to relocate maybe it is time to surround myself with awesome people fuck i dont know i do know that that person will never be equally awesome no matter how hard he tries. because of the history. so it is too late there. and i do know that the people i love to be around i cannot actually be around them so tough luck motherfucker.


THE IRONY OF MY LIFE.

its all funny now.

someone once told a joke that i did not understand because i was very young and so i asked what was the punchline and they said to me 'if you cannot figure it out on your own you dont deserve to know.'
i never figured the joke out but i have my own jokes now and i now understand what they meant. 






i have always deserved better and i've always known i could do better. it was always a favor and neither one of us will ever be satisfied. 

fantastic...

sangria and sadness and then the most fucking fantastic thing ever. seriously.
oh and my phone almost got destroyed. AGAIN. drunk people!

the boy that never mattered

like five years ago i joined the army right and the army sent me to a hotel to wait for two nights. i figured when in rome! and i met a bunch of people and we had parties. i can't remember. i only remember two guys from it all. one was going to the navy he was taller and we talked a little while after ait and lost touch when i went to iraq. he had blue eyes and he was kind of a hippie but a hot hippie. the other one was a shorter guy that looked like a young gorgeous jerry seinfeld. i remember he was funny and his last name was stoner or something to that effect. i only remember that because everyone was like HAHAHAHAA OH MY GOD YOURE NAME IS STONER AND I DO WEED AND SMOKE DRUGS AND THAT IS SO FUNNY BECAUSE LIKE I SAID I DO DRUGS AND HAAAA. he was pretty awesome. i guess my point is those were two pretty cool guys im bummed that i didnt give a shit about at the time cus they would have probably been pretty awesome to hang out with again.


matter of fact 
i realized this this morning
assuming ive met like, 100 people in the past ten years, i only remember like 8 of those people. in that, i only gave a shit to find out 8 of those people's names. i dont even remember faces. i remember specific details like if they said something really stupid or if they had big ears. i can replay the memories but all they are, are blobs of meat doing human-like things.


so if you ever plan on meeting me please be interesting so that maybe i will remember you and not blog about you in ten years about how i do not remember you. 

(nobody panics when things go according to plan)

it's one thing to miss what you had it's another to miss what you never had.

one hundred days

everything is falling apart and the ends are getting closer.

probably not

i do not think i have ever felt so sad in my life. it appears i am backed into a corner and i go either left or right to get out. i dont think i can hold on to this anymore everything i do or try is always just violated time after time and it seems like a new lie is unraveled if i tug at the seams just a little. i cant even go to the next state over with out having someone walk up to me and remind me that you are indeed the biggest fucking bullshitter ive ever met.
the little things that you think are insignificant and trivial are the most important to me and no matter how many times i ask you to take what i need into consideration you never do. you say bring proof to the table but its obvious that youre not going to see your flaws. 
but this isnt even about what the fuck you see or think. 
this is about me finally taking a deep breath and finding something better. 

the truth is

i honestly just wanted to be happy with someone. i wanted to share memories and experiences with a best friend and wanted to go on road trips with someone i could laugh with and make fun of silly things and listen to the same music. i thought i would be with someone who could take my light jokes at their expense and play wrestle with me and if they hurt me, they would apologize and when i stopped crying we could laugh at it. i wanted to be with someone who could sit at a coffee shop with me and we could talk for a while and then we could not talk and that would be okay, too. i wanted someone who couldnt keep their hands off me and every one else were just people cast in our lives because they had to be there but if he could have it his way id be the main star. we were suppose to spend our lives together and take hundreds and thousands of photos together and youd always have that smile and twinkle in your eye. every wall in our house would have a frame of us smiling and you were suppose to love that i cared enough to put my heart into making our home OUR home and putting love into every corner. what i wanted was someone who was not going to lie over stupid shit and if they had a bad day id be their go to. not a computer or a video game. the person i was suppose to be with wouldnt think it is just enough to "support" my decisions but actually "support" me. i wanted someone that if i was gone for a few days and drove a few hundred miles to see them the first thing they would do would be kiss me not scream at me for "scaring" them. they also wouldnt have been stupid enough to be drunk and they never would have gone to sleep after a long fight.


no. this is not the way at all that things were suppose to go. i dont know where to go from here but i die on the inside everytime this happens and honestly, there is not much left. i dont know where to go. but i do know that you dont love me. 

saaaay, bye bye.

this dumb motherfucker. YOU STUPID ASS FUCKING DUMB MOTHERFUCKER.
why i fucking wasted my goddamned youth on some stupid fucking dumb motherfucker, someone who would NEVER get me ahead someone who would only drag me down someone who was too fucking old to give a shit but so young and immature in the brain. someone with NO aspirations, someone who will always live paycheck to paycheck because thats all he's ever known. someone who has an 18 year old debt that lives and breathes yet he never sees because thats what IRRESPONSIBLE people do. they make really stupid decisions before they're even legally able to purchase cigarettes and then they bitch about never having money. 
no i will probably never own a house in this today. no i will probably always have to pay because you have to balance your money. no i will never get to go to sleep in peace without EVERY SINGLE FUCKED UP MEMORY REPLAYING IN MY MIND. no i will never be able to go take a shit because i already know what you're doing as soon as i step out of the goddamned room. no i wont trust you when you're somewhere thats suppose to be safe like work because remember that profile you set up? WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU SET IT UP!? NO. even if you are in class i cannot fucking believe you! because who the fuck did you stay with that night? why the fuck didnt you answer? because you were sleeping? yeah, because you're a heavy sleeper OH WAIT NO THAT IS A FUCKING LIE TOO.


so what are you hiding now, incubus? do you plan out the stupid lies that even a fifteen year old version of me wouldnt buy while you're doing the hurtful shit you do? ill let you in on a fucking secret- it doesnt hurt anymore. what you do everyday is add more distance and less lust and more distrust and one day youll see that i wasnt fucking joking. 
you had your chance and you ruined it. you keep ruining it. maybe youll regret it one day. but probably not. its hard to regret something when you dont give a flying shit.

it seems like ive seen it all.

when i went into this i never thought id walk out of it and when i did i felt more empty more alone and more lost than i ever did. like finding the answers of life in the back of the book and no matter how badly, how fucking badly, i wanted those answers to be what i always expected and i always hoped for- it turns out they're not. there's nothing but sadness and pangs of pain in your throat as you choke up and you breathe in deep and blink it away. the long rides, such long rides. yellow rides, clouded rides. loudness resonates. you can still hear it and feel it and it's been years since the very ground shook. all thats left to be wanted is for this to no longer sit in the forefront of your mind and the distant stare to be a thing from the old movies.  
and still we know nothing.


i taught my first class today. after the first minute or two i was okay and everything came back to my mind smoothly like i maybe knew what i was doing. maybe i will not have to quit my job because i am a social retard. one of the guys im with has fucking bird flu or something because he keeps coughing and he keeps saying it is not contagious but i do not believe him. one time in korea i had a hemorrhaged cornea. and the stupid army doctors said it was pink eye and they put some drops in my eyes that burned so bad. and i told him i was pretty sure it was not pink eye and that i could literally feel a tear or slip on my eyeball but he laughed and said 'no it is pink eye'. i am not stupid or dirty. so i did not believe him but it is not like there is an eye bandaid to fix that kind of problem. i went back to "work" and they asked if it was pink eye and i said it wasnt but the docs thought it was. next thing i know there is like five bottles of lysol and disinfectant wipes going around and i was ostracized.  true story.


there is a 'walking dead' marathon tonight. ive seen all the episodes like ten times but i am still staying awake to watch scary things anyways. 
i got to stare at some pretty gorgeous blue eyes today. 


and i still have another two weeks to go.




ahw man i just watched the scene where the walkers ate the horses guts. man that sucks. WHAT IS THIS SONG?

ugh.

i dropped my phone in the toilet this weekend. i did not do much over the past couple of days. i found a cat and i kept it. it's a good kitty. i went to buy a new phone. i saw a movie that hasnt been released yet about the darkness making people disappear. there were some cool ass scenes. except i have no fucking idea what the hell was actually going on.


and now i have to go pack cus im leaving to texas again today. i dont want to go, dear god i do not want to go.


so if you have my number please feel free to text me. gratzi.

dear diary.

this five hour long road trip is making me want to blow my brains out all over the dashboard. im about twenty minutes away from base and my battery is at about five percent.
that is all.

somebody is slipping me drugs.

lately i have been wondering if i should reconsider my stance on having kids. i think i would be an awesome mom. the kind that i would love to have. mine was pretty cool. but whatever. anyways. i think maybe if mike had not fucked up repeatedly like he has maybe i would be more open to the idea. but it is hard to get past the disgusting process and the devastating effects on the body.
but honestly-
what other purpose do people have? maybe it is just the ennui (ha!) wearing on me. maybe it's that proverbial biological clock. maybe it is my curiosity. or maybe it is that like 95 fucking percent of the girls i know are pregnant. i really just don't know what the fuck life is suppose to be about. probably it is because i got married early. but i did all my stupid shit early on in life. and i got bored of that too. anyways i do not think i would be able to give up smoking or eating pills or my occasional bottle or two of wine. so maybe i should find a hobby instead.

today was simply retarded.

today was one of the most annoying days ever. and now i am watching some crazy bitch on tv who eats laundry detergent. i dont even know what is going on in the world anymore.
as soon as we clock out of work tomorrow we are driving back to arizona for the long weekend. fucking fantastic! 


oh and i cannot stand when people use the phrase 'dirty secret'. it's... stupid.

the story of how monday was broken.

morning filled with premonition of what would i do and then your eyes meet mine and i stop breathing and the free fall begins. i cant think. where the fuck did i place my thinking abilities. that's fine. you're magnificent at filling the gray. fall right into step like this was just yesterday and i have so much to say but none of it is even important. i try to hold on and encapsulate every. single. little. moment. and. extend every single little breath. mainly because i can't breathe. 

like seeing a ghost for the first time. a long lost forgotten ghost. a brightly colored and radiant little ghost in a gray hall.

so i am leaving tomorrow and the army people said we can have this dog that i have been looking at, at the shelter. but since i am leaving tomorrow i wont have a chance to see this dog until this weekend. so i am pretty bummed. she's suppose to be sent to the rescue center cus nobody else wants her. but i could love her and she could love me and i could show her that life does not suck. life does not mean a cage and sometimes life can mean running around in fields and sometimes it can mean driving in my car really fast with no destinations and we will both be bad asses except i will be smoking and she will not because she is a dog. 

i want to save her and more than that, i want to change her name because no dog as beautiful as her should have to suffer the fate of living by the name of "missy". 

maybe we will be together. maybe not. if i have learned anything in this life it is that everything happens for a reason. and if somebody else takes her maybe she will be happier with them. but they better watch their fucking backs because i will cut a bitch for taking what i love.

and then i was going on a break and who should appear before my tired eyes but none other than my old pal from november. it was refreshing.

and i got no damned work done and now i am writing about how i got no work done so i am going to try to finish up studying and then go home to pack my shit. god. it never ends.

everythings going all fast

so i have not had a chance to write for a few days. we haven't set up the router in the house yet which is alright with me. i like not using the computer at home. it just means i cant shop or write. oh so i definitely forgot that the eleventh is tomorrow and not wednesday. which means i have to pack everything up tonight and i leave sometime tomorrow. not necessarily the worst thing ever just caught me off guard. i love listening to the fat ass who sits near me complain about how he doesnt want to go to nj blahsyblahsyblah. fuckkk offf.

i've been washing every thing i can get my hands on. i love my new washer and dryer. it is what they called 'bomb'. and we ordered the new couch. which i've only seen a few pictures of but it looks pretty awesome.

and there was some shoot out in tucson this weekend on some congress lady. what the fuck.

its the same old story.

why do i know so many stupid people?

busy busy busy.

i moved into my new house yesterday. it is in two words FUCKING AWESOME. i think i broke my back or something cus bending over and carrying shit all mf'ing day did not go too well. and then almost literally froze to death in my sleep. 

i love houses. i love decorating. i wish i had a million dollars to decorate with. i decorated my spare bathroom with mickey mouse.

so now it takes me three minutes to get to work. 

and i had blueberry pancakes for breakfast.

i wish all the cool kids i love lived nearby. cus when i get back from texas (i leave next week!) and mike gets back from the field- we're having a 'get drunk' fest. and unfortunately, probably won't be many people there. or maybe there will be. fuck, i never know. anyways. maybe ill persuade people from california to take the trip down since i have all those spare rooms now, yeah? you know you want to.

the void also known as the gear box.

i have a void in my old chest cavity that can only be filled by one person. as it turns out i only want the attention of one person. the only issue is that i will never feel fulfilled because that one person refuses to reciprocate an equivalent affection.


the irony of my life.

questions of life.

why is perfection so unattainable. 


it's one thing to be ugly on the outside. but what about ugly on the inside.


its 2011. it seems like 2010 went by in a very ugly fast wind.


if i was perfect; i wouldnt be here.