creep with me as we take a little trip down memory lane

so i guess i just found my thumbdrive from iraq which i couldve sworn i lost in iraq but no i found it tucked away in my car. i kept a little journal on it, for a few months. most of it is cracking me up but a lot of it i cant remember, i guess i wiped away a big portion of my memories. i sound really sad in some parts. so my brain is fucking with me, only remembering nice shit.

"Haha. Apparently it made him “uncomfortable”. Guess that’s chinese for “I didn’t tell the girl I love this year that I cheated on her by fucking the back out of you”. Chlamydia, anyone?"

"He was iraq-cute. So for him to stay in texas for “us” is gay. For us to stay together if he was to leave is “gay” because I KNOW I would not continue to pretend that I’m loyal. Again, I’m stuck in a Zac situation. FUCK!"

"shift change is 22 minutes away and that means I get to sit there for 15 minutes and listen to the worst briefer who has the most annoying song correction VOICE go on and on to the point where I wouldn’t mind sawing off my ears with the lid of a can."

"So, I am going back home. It feels like my life has been turned off for a little under a year. I have not felt, I have not thought. Actually, I KNOW I have not thought. True thoughts and emotions have not run through these nerves and cells since april. Maybe may. I am the host to a soldier. Or something like that, I never did feel I earned the right to say that."

"as I was reassembling, lo & behold, I drop the smallest piece on an M-16. I was like SWEET MOSES OF JESUS. Had just about half the JOC looking for it, made the unfortunate mistake of telling walston who proceeded to give me a look like I admitted to raping the presidents daughter with a chainsaw and burying her under the palace after snorting a couple lines, right.."

"As I’m about to take a spoonful of my soup, someone smacks my elbow and I’m about to say “hey douchebag” when I see a tray sliding and a plate of food tumbling slowly in a swirling disarray to the floor where it landed in a Murpheys Law position with it’s insides spilled all over the DFAC floor like some modern contemporary piece of art. All I could do was laugh my face off. "

He had NO RESPONSE. NSTR bitches

(HAHAHA)


anyways enough with the quotes. theres a few funnier ones but i wouldnt want to divulge so much information! HA. it's taken me like two hours to write this post because i keep getting interrupted. i helped some guy out a little while ago. oh and i found out our jobs may not be secured. so that little false sense of security i had before cus i had another job lined up went out the window. HAHAHA it matters not because im not stupid enough to think my world will fall apart if im unemployed. some guy just quit a little while ago cus they informed us that our contracts may not be getting renewed. i kind of want to jump ship, too. not cus i want to quit before getting fired but because i dont want to do my work that is due in ten days ISNT THAT FUCKING FUNNY?

baghdad, iraq.

smoke break with izzie. back when i was "the mejj"

last night in california during r&r. decided to OD on whipped cream

SNOOZE YOU LOSE.

promotion bitches! and the most lies spewed out in the span of fifteen minutes in history.

long walk of loneliness.

first day back to iraq. the buddies from 1 CAV tossed me in a pool. thats how people show they care.

iraq, youll always be remembered fondly by this guy, regardless of how many lives you ruined. cus i felt alive with you. rest in peace.


well time to go do some last minute shopping and you know what guys, if i have enough time. I MAY GO FOR A RUN because i feel better now that i read and saw these things. LIFES NOT THAT BAD GUYS YOU COULD BE ON FIRE TRAPPED UNDER WATER WITH A ROBOT SHARK. sit and think about that for a minute. deuces!

HA!

MAGIC EVERYWHERE IN THIS BITCH.

it doesnt even matter how early i go to bed because everyday i feel like i've never slept in my life. i am so fucking tired right now and the only thing thats keeping me awake is singing along with modest mouse. apparently some of our computers at work are "loaded with viruses" and it made me laugh cus the laptops are being quarantined, treated like pariahs cus they have a virus infection HA. thats what they get for being sluts? HOFFFHOFFHOFF.


if you feel like wasting four minutes and twenty two seconds like i just did watching the most embarrassingly funny music video, heres the link to an icp video


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-agl0pOQfs&feature=player_embedded
"Shaggy says “and I don’t want to talk to a scientist, y’all mother fuckers lyin, and gettin me pissed.” This line implies a sense of frustration and paramount struggle in understanding basic scientific concepts, while maintaining a childlike sense of wonder over the forces of nature. He wants to know how magnets work, yet he is not willing to accept a scientific explanation."


did you guys hear about how tila tequila got jumped at the gathering of the juggalos? fucking funny shit!
if you are unfamiliar with this term "juggalo", let me explain it to you. it's a bunch of fat pasty trailer trashing folks that listen to a really shitty rap band called icp and they refer to themselves as family and "down with the clown" and tend to end messages with "mmfcl" and other retarded shit. 
the reason i know all this is because during half of my high school years, i had some stupid girl that lived in PENNSYLVANIA threatening to slit my throat from ear to ear, almost every day. i guess she was pissed off at me because she was having phone sex with my boyfriend at the time. i can understand how this could frustrate her to the point of threatening me on a daily basis. anyways, after a while i got annoyed with her and would make fun of her stupid lifestyle which would infuriate her even more. SHE WAS FROM FUCKING PENNSYLVANIA GUYS.


my eyes are on fire again. 
and i am contemplating walking to the store for a redbull. we have group testing this afternoon and i am not looking forward to it. and apparently, my legacy is still living on in korea but not in the good way. HAHAHA oh and i forgot to mention when i went to that job interview, the lady was really excited that i had just come back from korea and she wants to possibly send me back to do some war simulations and shit. i almost laughed in her face. mk. redbull time i think. later!

i cant get enough of soviet russia.

ah shit.

FAIL

Kelly: If I'd have created a website with as many problems, I'd kill myself.
Ryan: Do you have a question Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?






yesterday i couldnt stand this job but today, i hate it. i hate ist. i hate the retards i work with and i hate computers and quite frankly i dont give a fuck if the UAVs in the stupid war work or not. 
im seriously about to scream i quit and walk outta here after setting my trash can on fire.

soonforaniggaitbeonmotherfucka

this made me laugh so much

fucking losers.

so the internets gone at my apartment. that sucks. i am so freaking tired. i dont want to be at this stupid desk at this stupid job with these stupid people. 

i hate outlook because it's annoying and i hate that if i dont have it up, thats when everybody decides to ask me my input about some stupid email. and right now im getting flooded with gay questions about colors for the system and jesus. these people honestly think their opinion is fucking fantastic. oh and apparently they love the shit out of that "reply to all" button.

it's not enough it's not enough it never was or will be.

i never got the chance to say fuck you.

christ i love five finger death punch like you dont know. 

oh. i forgot i was writing in here anyways. ive been bitching about work all morning so now im reading cracked.com articles about awesomely horrible shit your brain does.

here, read.

http://www.cracked.com/article_18704_5-mind-blowing-ways-your-memory-plays-tricks-you.html?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fanpage&utm_campaign=new+article083010

http://www.cracked.com/article/199_5-horrific-ways-your-brain-can-turn-you-without-warning/

uh i need to get back to working now.

WHERE IS THE MAYONNAISE??

i have tried to pay my fucking car payment THREE TIMES since it was due mid august. you know how many times i have NOT paid my car payment this month? THREE TIMES. everytime i go in the account to change the bank information, it apparently thinks i'm only kidding and it doesn't save. fucking annoying.


i hate flies with an ungodly passion.
and that's why they just got to experience a swim in 409.


so yesterday was pretty awesome i felt bad about going n shit but i think things are improving so, THATS A GOOD THING.
i hit up ricks kids pool party n ang was trying to con me into going with her and saudi to beer fest at 'wind city' so after like two hours of her asking me to come i was like fuck it. i need to do shit out of my bubble. SO I BOUGHT A TICKET AND WENT. and drank all kinds of beer. most of which were pretty not awesome. i cant remember most of the names since i am a lush but there was one that tasted just like coffee and then tasted like shit.

smoke break! oh n the little mugs we got

saudi wanted budweiser and all the fancy beers were not worth it. so we introduced him to sam adams ha!

yum.

mac daddy of beers.

there was some raffle thing at the end that i did not win. surprise surprise except not really because while they were calling out the numbers i was in the middle of the room eating pretzels dipped in ranch and i think that makes me a winner.

hey guys youre looking at the wrong camera

these pretzels are making me thirsty!

the guy behind us is moving at freakazoid speed

so close to stealing it

he really wanted it. i dont think its part of ramadan duh

smoke time

the guy who wanted to throw me in the pool and got wasted at a beer tasting

the pool.

after all that we came back to the pool and hung out with rick and jeff and ang n sometimes aj and i dont know a bunch of others were around. ang kept bringing me down some hypnotic and pineapple stuff which no matter much i tried to finish it MY CUP WAS ALWAYS FULL LIKE MAGIC OR SOMETHING she said she loved me n i was her bestie a shit ton of times and i almost  drowned while swimming. oh and i smoked a marlboro red and almost died because of that so people who smoke those are less awesome than me obviously
oh and it was definitely confirmed that i am a total ray of sunshine and make everybody around me have a good time regardless if they want to or not. PEOPLE SAID THIS ABOUT ME AND MORE THAN ONE and it was not only the tequila talking so if you think im a depressing bitch i now have statistics to prove you wrong. THE VERDICT IS IN GUYS I AM AWESOME AND SUPER FUN TIMES!


my chest is dead today and i cant stop coughing. i guess today is as good as any other day to die from smoke overdose. ill do it when i go swimming in a little while though.


oh man the cable guy is on tv and i love jim carrey a lot. my day just got a lotlot more awesome.

whoa.

send for help. i have no edible food in my house more importantly im out of hot sauce. i need to take out the trash today or i will obviously die. rich came by a couple days ago to tell me hes having some kick back for his kid by the pool so maybe i will indulge in some sunlight. and then it will start raining like hell doesnt matter though. i need to move around or something. i've become even zombier.




im also incapable of sleeping the entire day away anymore. so the weekends just became a little less awesome and a little more gay.


you know what i have nothing to say. ill write more when i do.

theres nothing harder to do...

everyday i learn a little bit and everyday i am able to piece things together. 
today i had an opportunity to open my eyes a little wider. 


i want to know why ugly people feel compelled to exploit sexual topics? like they try to be pseudo porn stars. how about you stick to just being normal, fucking geeks? i know this guy. he's married to some loser chick that is proud to call herself a nerd. apparently she has no self pride? she's also one of these girls that thinks people give a fuck about her sex life. too bad the idea of her being bi or even having an orgasm makes me want to eat a liver while im on PCP. she should stick to wearing neutral colors and not try so hard. oh well. that is what social hierarchy is all about. 


i got a new job today. well. i was recommended for hire at a new job today. i have to wait until the people who are sitting in my soon-to-be-my desk leave. possibly a month or so. then i'll take an army course that teaches me to be an instructor. i need this class if i want to earn more money in other jobs so thats one reason why i wanted this job. that and the fat ass paycheck. 
oh and the fact that i will travel all over the place like every month. that will solve a lot of problems for me. 


one of the best feelings ive ever felt is when someone tells me they would do anything for me and i can see it in their face that they mean it. i call that passion, you probably call it "psycho ass bitch". i like the feeling of knowing someone cares enough to cry because of something i say or do, or they would smack me up if i step out of line is not the worst thing to happen. a little jealousy shows you care if you lose that person. that makes me not want to leave. you probably think i shouldn't need that if i love someone. i thrive on having people adore me. 




once the innocence is lost its gone for good. the minute you choose to step over the barrier, you will never be able to go back. words are words are words. i leave, you leave, it goes back to nothingness. hope keeps things going and i keep going. and going. and going. until i stop and theres nothing left.




it rained today so hard when i left work that my car started floating away for a little bit. it was a little scary driving in the middle of the road because the entire sv was fucking flooding.

fivefingerdeathpunchasizeyerfaceoff.

and it's almost like 

your heaven's trying everything 

your heaven's trying everything 

to keep me out 

all the places i've been and things i've seen 

a million stories that made up a million shatered dreams 

the faces of people i'll never see again 

and  can't seem to find my way home 

i can pretend.

i had a strange symbolic dream last night about jumping out of an airplane with my mom and reading the words on top of the parachute of the guy who jumped before us. ive never felt so happy in a dream like i did when i jumped out of that plane and seemed to leave behind every problem. when i landed a girl was waiting and she took me away. later in my dream, i left a coffee shop and was followed by a homeless so i called mike on speakerphone and told him i was on my way and i was being followed and the bum tried to cut me. so i killed him dead.
i was confused when i woke up.


but today i have a desire to leave everything behind. and everyone. all of you. start over new. take a new name. erase every memory. i wonder if i could do that.
i hate being forgotten. but if i dip out before that has a chance to happen i consider that a win. BAILING FTW.


i guess i have an interview this afternoon. it's friday. tomorrow i intend on forgetting how shitty people make me feel. i wonder how many more times i can get kicked out of my apartment by someone who isnt even in the same state as me. i wonder if that means i dont have to pay the electricity bill? 


i had to sit here while mason, erl, and bobby tried to get my attention repeatedly for like 20 minutes. it was fucking annoying. mason kept yelling my name (if im wearing my headphones HOW DOES THAT TRANSLATE TO PLEASE TALK LOUDER) i dont know man. everywhere i look to for an escape it seems too drastic or too unlikely to work. 


i fucking hate liars, in case you didnt know. 
i guess if you want to have the last laugh thats cool too. i already had mine. several times. over and over and over.

time to get back to the basics

ugh. it's like as soon as i try to remedy one aspect of my life everything else falls apart i cant seem to manage a regular balanced life. whereas ive readopted my happy perky outlook on shit ive stopped working out and i'm eating like shit again. well not really like entirely like shit but i did eat mexican take out for dinner last night and i know how unhealthy home made hispanic food is, let alone MEXICAN take out. motherfuckers con su grasa. and i'm also not drinking over 60 ounces of water a day anymore. im lucky if i get 24! i back to sipping on redbulls and monsters to get through the day and the idea of going running makes me die a little bit on the inside. 
and today i noticed i look like absolute shit. face is all poofy. my hair doesnt look as awesome when i curl it i feel greezy. it's super mega fucking gross. SO. taking it back to the drawing board a-fucking-gain. 


i gave a presentation today at work and mason decided to be al-qaeda and hijack it towards the end. i also noticed something else about these people. they all seem to think they are the all knowing and they are too good to listen or take a suggestion but moreso listen. it becomes a competition of who can talk the loudest. and that's what happened. mason was talking over gil and eric who was trying to talk over doug who was talking over ryan who was talking to brian and im in there like CAN I PLEASE GET TO MY NEXT FUCKING POINT BEFORE I HAVE TO WASTE ANOTHER HALF HOUR LISTENING TO YOU FUCKING IDIOTS? 
this went on for over an hour. 


mason kept making stupid little comments about how im pissed at him or something. motherfucker, just let me do my god damn job and maybe i wont get so annoyed. oh he finished up my presentation by complaining to everybody in the room how he is having a hard time doing his job. 


christ.


so i dont know maybe ill go for a run tonight or something. i went and got my eyebrows done next door. in the middle of crack town sierra vista, next to my office there is some high end looking beauty salon with like beverly hills wanna be chicks in it. that was entertaining. 


and i guess ill try to get some more work done today since most of my morning was absolutely wasted. see? it's already happening. i'm getting irritated and angsty while i try to transition to a healthier lifestyle. im a mess. and these people are annoying.

if i wanted a downer, id pop some fucking codeine.

i decided i cant stand overly negative people. i never thought i would find people more negative in me in some kind of aspect but holy shit i was wrong. or maybe its that i dont like people who dont bother doing something just because they will have to go back and make heavy changes to what they work on. maybe thats something i picked up in the army that unless im doing SOMETHING i feel like a shit bag. i havent really done much since i started working here kind of just waiting until this week when we could start fucking with the new system (of course i had over expectations) so i thought hey now i can do some real work. 
except the two downers i work near were like why are you even working you're just going to end up doing it over again. 
well no shit sherlock. but thats why i get paid. the fuck else am i suppose to do? spend all day on a smoke break, come inside and bitch about it not working, go on a smoke break, come back in and bitch? that seems a little depressing. 


so then i was like ah fuck it might as well work on now and then whoever ends up taking over my workload wont be as fucked. but no downer #2 was like WELL DONT COUNT YOUR CHICKENS.
well either way if i get this other job or not, IM OUT. your black cloud of depression is gay. the hours of websurfing and getting paid for it isnt really worth it when all i have to listen to is people bitching about shit and people all day. 
thats what blogs are for.


anyways then we got on topic about school and college cus i mentioned that regardless of the outcome, im going to start taking college classes. well, then there was something to bitch about that. like, might as well not take your core classes unless you know what you're going to major in. and if i move to california, the tuition is too high and theres too much competition. what kind of low ass self esteem do these people have? are they so jaded that they dont even want to bother living? 
WELL IM JUST GOING TO DIE ONE DAY ANYWAYS I MIGHT AS WELL LIE IN A HOLE AND WAIT FOR EROSION TO BURY ME ALIVE.


if youth is wasted on the young than life is wasted on the old.


there is no reason to ever fucking start looking for new shit to stimulate you. and if you stop, then you might as well lie in a hole. SIGN ME UP FOR THAT ZOMBIE PARTY!
at the end of my life, i dont care if i live in the projects in sierra vista. 
as long as i love what i'm doing and love who is in my life
i consider that a success.


things that i have heard complaints over:
1. 'if i want to work from home i have to ask permission unlike OTHER PEOPLE'
2. how many emails have you sent with a bug report? 
3. no point in doing all that work now if everything is going to change
4. why dont i have an office with a door that i can close
5. i dont get paid enough to do this shit
6. how can they expect us to finish our part of the project if we dont enough time (ref: #3)
7. i have to stay later if i want to take an hour lunch
8. the next two weeks are going to be hell
9. i dont know how this is being used in combat so i dont know what to do
10. the b.b.boss is an idiot.
11. the b.b.boss didnt approve me overtime three weeks ago and thats why i couldnt complete my job properly
12. why do i need to request overtime a week in advance if i dont know i will need overtime next week
13. where the fuck are the maps? WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE MAPS?!
14. it's broken.
15. subject matter expert, my ass.
16. the new logo is fucking gay (even though it is not our logo)
17. why do i have to build a powerpoint if nobody is going to look at it
18. my truck sucks.
19. no point in writing this if no one is ever going to read it
20. the b.b.boss picks on our army liaison so thats why he hates us
21. i cant trust anyone here
22. nobody talks to us back here so this is FUBAR
23. why should i have to do someone elses work


anyways. i have to give a class tomorrow and hopefully everybody wont be so jaded and dead and they will have a question i can answer instead of bitch.

smoke some weed, drink some wine.

i want to be forever young.
my arm is tweaking out because it is getting as frustrated as i am about this stupid system and how much it sucks. it requires so much concentration for me to do this the right way starting now and i know half of it will change in the next two weeks. either way my arm is about to explode i think.
i was thinking about stuff a little while ago. like my last day at fort hood before i went to iraq. i borrowed randys truck to pick up an army acu duffel bag from azaredo and she pissed me off so i almost kicked her in her ugly stomach and killed her unborn fetus. FREE ABORTION! but i did not because it was faster to get away from her by deploying than by going to court and prison. when i went back to say good bye to randy, he was gone to the field. then it started raining and i cried and cried in the parking lot for a while. then i went to say goodbye to ian. and i think that is when he gave me a letter? 
i chose to forget most of everything else. i drew my M16. one of my duffel bags got a small tear on the bottom from being dragged. i had a few friends see me off at the gym. i had a big headache. my mouth had never felt so dry before. i felt so sad because i didn't really have anyone there but it probably had more to do with i had no fucking idea what was going to happen to me and no one was there to never see me again. then i was not there anymore. 
when i was in korea i met a cool guy. actually i met three. only three. this is about the last one. a lot of people hated that we were friends but of those three friends i met in korea, nobody was ever happy with it. i think secretly they hated the idea of happiness
but i didn't care. i still did it. we would drive around sometimes. go nowhere. train stations, random driveways, random rice patty roads... paranoid! ill never know why people care so much! we just got along so great- and that was it. i think when people hate you so much you become so bitter and jealous about others being happy. i didnt give a fuck. IF I COULD SMILE ANY BIGGER AND LAUGH WHILE IGNORING YOU ANY MORE I WOULD. i wish i could have parties at these people's funerals. hoho.
anyways. its nice to remember things. 


of all the people who have said they were going to come to arizona the number of people who have came is zero. kelvin.


i hate this system. i have my interview on friday in the afternoon. time to pick out what i will wear!

everybody is so angry and the ones who are not are just clueless

so yesterday the latest release of the product i work on was released for testing so the last hour or so was spent in a mad scramble to start actually doing my job. in that hour i realised how much the next two weeks are going to make me want to slit my throat and scream WIN. na im probably going to have somuchfun doing this and what kind of martyr would i be if i did not complain NOT A VERY GOOD ONE. 
lately people seem on the edge maybe it has something to do with the moon who knows i have been pretty happy here lately i dont know why maybe i am like a glowstick that needs recharging every once in a while and someone just snapped me and now i am glowing it is the opposite of others because when they snap people get bullets in their spines. maybe i have the miracle of life growing inside of me oh wait no my uterine lining is being shed right now so nevermind I DO NOT HAVE A BLESSING GROWING INSIDE OF ME. 
i am eating a flatbread eggwhite thing from subways and even though they completely fucked up my order and they had no seattles best coffee i am pretty ecstatic about that because these things are seriously heaven on earth. i have been blowing a lot of money and subway lately because i refuse to go shopping for groceries. probably not my best idea. have i ever mentioned sleep is the greatest? i got a lot of it last night and it felt soso good. i wake up around 4 am everyday for some reason but its okay because i am like YES TWO MORE HOURS BABY
i need to set up an interview date still. my insider sources tell me that unless i go in to the interview with a jason voorhees mask and start breaking shit i am getting this job and the interview is only to discuss salary. i am going to suggest a million but i have a feeling we will be negotiating for a while. 
yesterday i had to sit in a meeting and the creepy short mexican was in there and he got on my biggest nerve. i guess i have fucking fantastic peripheral vision or maybe i am like a fish and i can make my eyes go everywhere but the entire time this faggot was staring at me or repositioning himself to stare. as it is i hate people who stare but i hate ugly short people who stare a lot more. i hate short people. he is one of those people that chimes in to agree with a common opinion or to mention something we all already know. whenever he tried to contribute to something i was putting out i dismissed/ignored him and i had to put up my arm as a shun shield. overall he makes me want to throw up. 


anyways mason keeps freaking out about how the system doesnt work and 'did you hear what me and bobby were talking about' im like no. and hes like YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING. where i am from that is called eavesdropping and it's looked down upon. im not nosy and i dont give a fuck about what you are whispering about and if it's about how the system is broken which i already discovered on my own, i actually care less somehow. get over it. i'm not trying to be the one who finds every error or kink. im here to fucking publish something and then turn in my findings. thats why this job is so fucking hard for him because everything he does he has to complicate it in seven different ways. 


anyways people cheer up for gods sake. hahaa im only kidding. if you want to be pissy and miserable and hate every aspect of your life so be it. and when you realize that gets boring too ill be over here.

hoochiewallawalla.

oh yeah so i forgot to post this earlier this weekend i got mexican food and picked up a burrito for dan because him and tweeker ass erin chased me down the parking lot and stuffed a wad of cash in my hand for a country burrito. so i took it over to him and him and erin were geeked out of their minds and he kept offering beer every twenty seconds. so i sipped on a bud light while they grinded their teeth and rubbed their hands dry. honestly it was pretty gross nobody looks good when theyre thwacked. he asked me to bump one even more than he asked if i wanted a fucking beer! erin didnt shut up as expected. how does God even allow people like that to live? SHE HAS FRECKLES TOO I THINK. and does not know how to apply eye makeup. plus she is a ginger.
they had a huge rock that they had chiseled away at all night. there was also a baggie of what i thought were rabbit pellets til i looked at it. NOPE. it was a shit ton of x. remember those gumball machines that you probalby owned as a kid? it could easily have filled one.

im pretty sure theres a giant drug cartel going on around here.

rocket man about to dip into some x.  yeahright. my rat is straight edge mofucka.

anyways. since i kind of dont want to sleep in a prison, because i didnt mention it but dan lives directly downstairs from a cop, i probably wont be purchasing burritos for the derelicts anymore. well, that is unless everything goes to shit. then ill die with a double bloody nose on a mountain of blow.


which brings me to my next point. i probably will get hired on to that other company. i have to email them back for a date to interview but the guy is pushing to get me hired because he obvioulsy heard it in my voice that i radiate bad assery. good call, guy. anyways i would be making like twice as much money as i make now but uh its not about the benjamins.

i finally get my first paid day off on the 6th. ill probably be in pheonix around that time and loving my life. i cant wait until that week. today i got to sit with kim as she taught me shit i already knew. i just sat there and took notes and then when she forgot a word or was trying to remember how to do something i would tell her what she was trying to say. this is what makes me the greatest employee and a mastermind. because i dont go around trying to prove i know my job and they all think im retarded sitting in the corner laughing by myself but they dont know that IM A FUCKING BRILLIANT GENIUS. anyways. after a while the conversation turned to bullshitting and i decided to analyse them. actually i had already done that but they proved me right. kim was a band geek in high school. she has an awkward laugh and becomes overly excited quickly. she blushes quickly too. jami was pretty popular growing up. she has something about her. she's quirky and cute. she reminds me of a friend i had that died. she rides bikes, has a tattoo on her chest, use to dye her hair, owned an interior decorating business, ipad lover. she was also a cheerleader for a year but kept getting in trouble. smoked for like 15 years. see. if i could learn calculus formulas and academics like this i would not be living at a drug house. i think if that friend i had that died if she was still alive she would have been like jami. i remember when i met her she was wearing a gray mickey mouse sweatshirt. 


ive changed my perspective on things and i feel gorgeous. i encourage people to do this. if you feel like you cant stand anything if everyone around you annoys you and you keep wishing you could go back in time in case you didnt know thats impossible. whats not impossible is changing how you think. shit isnt so bad if you ignore the bad and accentuate the awesome.
these people upstairs keep jumping up and down and dropping dead hookers or something they are lucky i dont murder them.

just promise me youll think of me every time you look up in the sky and see a star cause im a

space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon and i'm aiming right at you


uuugghh. mondays should not exist i have decided. and my milk expires today. i have this thing about consuming anything remotely near expiration. in fact if i havent touched it in a while, even if it expires in a year its still suspect. when i was in korea, the milk we had there had an expiration date like fucking four months out. what kind of shit is that? CANCER.


so i missed the team lead's call this morning while i was getting ready. i hate that. i rarely use my phone for calls and 80% of the time i dont answer peoples phone calls but im trying to maybe get this job. i dont know. my newest calling is to go to school. i dont know why, it just seems appropriate now. i guess times are changing! i still believe in growing up to be one of those things that kids answer with when they're asked 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' A DINOSAUR. i could see myself being a lawyer. but i could also see myself in court addressing the judge and being all like NO FUCK THAT YOU'RE IN CONTEMPT. and then i spontaneously ignite into flames. 


i curled my hair this morning. i use to hate curly hair. i still think people who have curly hair naturally are diseased. it's just not normal. like freckles. whatthefuck? girls wear makeup to get rid of unsightly flaws. id be sopissedoff if i had a rotten banana looking face anyways. remember the days where it was the hotness to be chunky and pale? because it meant you were hella rich and not a slave working under the sun? yeah i dont either. but if we were in those times I WOULD BE THE SHIT. i am still the shit but i am not recognized for it. plus i cant have people killed because they stole my grapes or something.


this weekend was pretty chill. actually i would go as far as to say it was one of my best weekends in a while. it required an entire attitude adjustment but it was pleasant. i had mexican food too! no chinese! i saw nanny mcphee! and it made me cry except not really because that shows weakness and i wasnt about to show weakness around a shitton of toddlers who were all laughing and talking about how funny the movie was. I WONDER IF THEY WERE LAUGHING ABOUT THE PART WHERE I THOUGHT THE HUSBAND HAD DIED IN WAR? because that was the funniest part to me.
not.


well i just got to the office (which i will not be working at soon) a few minutes ago and have accomplished writing almost an entire post and nothing else. im about to go on a smoke break in my car and call this guy back. i actually dont know what ill say or do because im really interested in going to school now. it sucks living as a bipolar person because it makes decision making REALLY FUCKING HARD.
but at least i will get a cigarette out of whatever decision i make. i cant believe my fucking milk expired. I HADNT EVEN OPENED IT.


oh. andiaminloveanditfeelsfuckingawesome. :)


uggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.

memories bring us back to life.

I NEED TO STOP BEING DEPRESSING ON THIS STUPID BLOG. i fear it is rubbing off on people and that is a disservice. life is meant to be awesome. you shouldnt need to be hammered drunk to have a fucking great time. it helps but why go out and think I AM GETTING SO DRUNK I FORGET THAT MY LIFE SUCKS THE LEFT ONE. i need to change this point of view i have slumped into. YOU SHOULD TOO. 
maybe for me the solution is to get away from technology. always checking my phone. always writing about how much it sucks. always trying to reach out to someone. alwaysalwaysalways. 
someone just reminded me of this time we all sat outside the barracks in an awful place, where the three of us were looked at as outcast even though i knew i was more alive than every single one of those robots and i would prove it time after time and brandon was so close to leaving but he still would refuse to say good morning and count while being forced to do push ups. 
we sat outside of the barracks. we had recently boughten vanilla wafers. and a pie crust and a lot of whipped cream. i threw vanilla wafers so brandon would catch them in his mouth and then "deesease" threw one so far it hit the gates that caged us in the army base from midnight to 0500. 
brandon watched me draw while we were sitting by a sewer grate, once, too. i was a terrible artist but i did it because i could. i had so much in my brain! brandon left and i was alone and i think i died. 
the rapist was with us the day that i drew that piece, on the sewer grate. he was there the night we lay on the concrete and the grass and stared at the sky at night. that was the night i remembered i couldn't ride a bike. i also climb on top of a blue mail box. the rapist is the least significant person to me. he tried to apologize a few days ago but he rates so low on the list of people i dont give a fuck about that i never got around to replying HAHAHA YOU STUPID CUNT TOO BAD NOBODY LIKES YOU AND EVEN YOUR MOM PROBABLY HOPES YOU DIE IN WAR YOU FUCKING BULLETCATCHER OHWAITNONEVERMIND. YOU WONT EVEN PLAY AN IMPORTANT ROLE IN AFGHANISTAN. and then i would go on about how literally everybody hates him because he has no personality and hes a fucking redneck trying so hard to fit in with the rest of the world. go back to your fucking farm in louisiana you weird bitch.


but no. i didnt say that 


i am super hungry but i told angela id go watch a movie with her and i still need to do my hair so i dont think i have time to buy subways. haha scary movie 3 is on. thats my favorite one too.