shit to do.

i decided i want to try yerba mate drink. but i want to do it as close to tradition as possible so i require a gourd and bombilla and obviously yerba mate herbs. i think this is a bloody brilliant idea. 

let my spirit carry me.

i couldnt handle it anymore. it was like a burden on my body causing physical grief. my eyes no longer could process every day life that is typically an easy task and my brain slowed down to static noise. nothing mattered. i had to nap.  so i took a nap. i know my dreams were amazing and fantastic. something about driving a wild distance and not having a care in the world. it was so pleasant and i woke up to mad vibrations. my phone was ringing. i refused to answer mainly because i did not know who was inconsiderate enough to wake me up. it wouldn't have mattered if i did know who it was- few people rate high enough for me to wake up for. 
i've just remembered that i love the steve miller band. i should rephrase that- i enjoy the music i do not know the entire history of the band- i don't know where they are now or whose band they have played in. i don't follow pop culture and if you ask me to identify a fact or a face i will shrug and probably smoke a cigarette. i don't know. but i do know the music does fancy things to my brain and it arouses fancy feelings.


todays work was so exciting that i wont try to make anybody jealous by sharing. there was some pie i was so fucking excited about eating. but lackaday! it was growing an ecosystem or something. mf'er. time for subways i think- i am over the initial excitement of waking up confused.


oh yeah, also i almost ended up at the hospital or something. during some play fighting, mike's knife became engaged as i was crawling on his back. i didnt necessarily notice until i felt like i had been stabbed. so i rolled off dramatically, clutching my rib cage. turns out i only cut myself a little bit but it drew some blood and i went on about my day. that'd be a stupid way to die, is all i'm going to say.

twenty hours ago.

i just got a little electric charge.
but dont worry, you're not my heroin. ill keep waiting for a lonely weekend in a distant ghost town. and keep my mind bright by touching the pages that maybe enlightened you. if only the rest of the world would wake up and shine.


today was mega long. i got to listen to cultural awareness briefings all day. a lot of it was fascinating since they were trying to ease in manipulation/elicitation means as a way to build rapport with a different culture.


i think i am going to buy the five languages of love mostly because ive been out of touch with people lately. and i think ive fallen in love with reading. also mike and i went to the new panda express they built out here. wow way to fuck up anything that is holy, sv. fucking gross. oh yeah and apparently im getting a kindle at the end of the week. fucks yeah.

if anybody ever wants an adventure
i
am
here.

what's another word for desperate?

repetition makes an impression

so what's another word for desperate? 

I won't be around here for too very long

so tip the bottle back

bubble foam

and watch it break

we can all be sure

something awful's coming this way

so take this medicine

in measured doses

take your time

cause they'll tear into you

they will, they will

they will, they will

as fast as i can.

so i bought a washer and dryer set on friday. it was fucking expensive. it's red and it's one of them new fancy front load sets. it's sitting at best buy until i come get it. i am so excited to use it. speaking of laundry, i'm suppose to be doing that and i'm not excited to dish out like five bucks in coins. i love living in the ghetto. i still have a load of shit that i'm gonna end up buying. and the reason i am going to end up dropping a load of money on it all is because i know if i get some cheap ugly furniture, before the month is up i will want to buy new better stuff. might as well get the good stuff now. its not like im getting buried with my money.
oh so i went to some really lame karaoke bar last night and ended up talking my ass off. also, we drove to nogales during the day to check out what was going on there. here are the things i discovered.
1. the ride there is pretty awesome perfect for road trips.
2. nogales is literally on the border.
3. i love tacos.
4. mexican girls are not just sitting around waiting to be picked up.


that is all.

-on the road, jack kerouac

but then they danced down the streets like dingledodies and i shambled after as i've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'aww!'

im too high now id die from the fall.

my problem is that i dont know enough people who surprise me. i want something that is going to knock me off my feet and i know out of the like, four people who read this stupid blog at least one of them is going to think i mean i need some new pal that i want to fuck and for your information no. that is not the case. it seems like forever ago that my eyes would get wide from something someone says or does. probably that comes from age but i think it has more to do with the grade of your average human. either way it is annoying.
i just hit chapter 7 of 'on the road'. i am falling in love with the book and all of the characters. i love the idea of one day waking up and throwing caution to the wind and hitchhiking across the country with whatever you can carry with you. vagabond of sorts except id have no destination. i'd do it for the romance- somehow it charms me to just stop giving a shit about appearances and meet new strange people and learn their lives for a few minutes and move along. i was probably born the wrong gender and definitely the wrong generation. 
essentially, i could love the road- i do love the road but im not as intimate with it as id love to be.


while the rest of america was either asleep or shopping i had to go to stupid work. and it was even more boring than usual since the power was out a bit in the morning and then the internet died so that is actually how i managed to put a tiny dent in my borrowed book.


lately ive had the pleasure of associating with former military interrogators. i regret not going into that job during my army stint. they have wonderful stories and they performed a wonderful job that has wonderful skills.


i got my business cards for work today. i think that makes me a real grown up, too. 


guess im gonna go dip into the economy or something. maybe ill get into a crazy fight and end up on youtube but probably not. 

you love the people that love you.

you hear the music they move to.

you give your ode to the fall through. but you don't know you don't know you don't know you don't know.


i baked a shit ton of stuff today. i would have done more but mike played the martyr role and said he'd make most of the dinner. i cant wait to hear about how he busted his ass cooking. also my wine got knocked over. sir olson is sitting in my living room right now. watching family guy. awesome.

and my eyes are burning. 

kapow! bam! onomatopoeia!

i am so totally stoked that tomorrow is thanksgiving and i dont have to go to class. on the flipside i've been cleaning my ass off and i'm about to go cook my ass off. heyo.


i've been thinking about someone all fucking day. who knows. i never know.

this long weekend is definitely going to be spent reading. I CANNOT WAIT. i really want to start 'on the road' also my brain feels like it's been shrinking lately. fuck sake. if anyone finds any laundry machines or sofas for awesome cheapness on black friday, please inform me promptly. gratzi.

retardation on steroids.

when i am done with this class i am going to get so drunk. i think i am going to try to invent my own drugs somehow. my nerves being always on end about public speaking is actually starting to just piss me off and not make me nervous. i had to give a thirty minute lecture and it was so bad it was actually great. i have to give another twenty minute presentation on wednesday about mentors in the workplace. i'm totally going to have fun with this one even if it kills me.
i seriously just had the most retarded conversation with mike right now about how he hates tsa and how the government is making him feel like a prisoner in his own country and i got so annoyed with his argument that i retorted with a defiant 'yeah, i guess you're turning into a hippie since gizmodo.com and lifehacker are hippies and feel like prisoners, too'. he got pissed i think. also he told me it wasn't my business if he votes so i told him it wasnt his business if i have a mild cocaine addiction. whaaaatevs! i was going to really try to piss him off by telling him it isn't really his business if i go get my rocks off on another guy but i really didn't want that conversation to ride down that road. oh yeah he said something about pervs are wanking off to the xray images of  little kid's skeletal images the tsa agents are uploading to the internet. i love that it probably means that he was wanking off to some chick's xray images that he found online. hahaha fetish porn ftw.
he also brought up some lame 'i'm a pretty great husband' bit and i laughed so hard i almost threw up so i informed him that yes. he's a great husband ever since i stopped giving a shit about him and found happiness in other places. DUH. then i mentioned something about if we get divorced ill go back into the army so im not so bored but we all know that if i get divorced im california bound and dead within the month.


i kind of miss having deep conversations everyday. this is a public plea to anybody in my vicinity. actually one of the coolest mf'ers i know is in afghanistan. 


ill be moving into a house probably by the end of december. i got like a little over a week left in class and i have like three books i want to finish reading. oh and some writing to be done. but for tonight, i have to start working on my socratic class. oh and we're hosting thanksgiving. woo.

modern day stress and woes.

i am obviously becoming an adult because as much as i was trying to fight it it's happening oh no okay so tomorrow i have to do a thirty minute lecture, basically from memory which sucks because i have no mind power to do that. as soon as i finish this post, i am going to learn everything i can about the stupid topic because if i know every intimate detail about something i dont stress. seems stupid but it works.


also we're suppose to be moving into a house by the end of next month. so we have to buy a new washer and dryer and i refuse to buy a dingy set if i'm just going to want a nice set in the future. so. the adult thing to do is buy a brand new fucking set. need to buy a couch. i already know what kind i want. so it only makes sense to buy the exact model i want RIGHT NOW. and we're buying two big ass lounge chairs and also need a new coffee table.
and im springing for an expensive ass awesome bedding set.


all in all
it's going to be like three or four stupid thousand dollars.
MOTHERFUCK ME.

nine years.

i say i could fall and you say that you might have already hit the floor but it's only words and why cant i extract these moments for infinity and hold them close like a promise. 'i'm not your saviour.' what the fuck am i looking for. hours turn to seconds and nothing is lasting long enough so we hold on close like little flames and keep tasting 
i want to soak you in
i need to feel your warmth
and i know that at the end of this night the history is forever embedded in my eyes as i keep looking for another charge.



bow chicka bow wow. 

the train wreck is over.

okay basically i will probably be writing more and getting back into a normal lifestyle starting this weekend. it appears the rollercoaster is over and i think it will be for a while. it almost breaks my heart because i gave everything i am to somebody. there's something refreshing about trusting every intimate and personal detail about yourself to somebody you just met and they reveal theirs back. it's like agreeing to donate a piece of yourself forever. that person is taking you and will always have those stories at least until the dementia sets in. it's beautiful. with that being said. i dont regret it. yet. 
i could fall in love with an idea.


today i had to give my first presentation. it was filmed. i bombed it pretty fantastically. so now i have a digital memory of a really shitty presentation. ill get better because that's what i do and because if everyone else has faith that i will be okay it's basically no way out. and now i am about to finish contemplating if i really want to get shitfaced. i'd rather not be sober anymore i think i understand addictions now cus theres no reason for sobriety. unless youre my sister. then dont listen to me. i think i have one pill left and it seems like i should save it for a rainy day. heh. a rainy day.


i have two new books i was told to read. i cant wait to read them. and i cant wait to open up my mind to more. because not only am i taking a piece of history with me, but i'm taking fucking knowledge. all because of a seemingly insignificant moment that significantly changed me. 

they say money cant buy happiness but itll brighten my day.

on my drive home tonight it finally dawned on me. happiness is a state of mind. ive had a pretty decent bank account and i was extremely fucking happy then but i was also extremely fucking high. ive had full blown love. and then it faded away when i finally broke out of the initial euphoric stage. it also brought full blown fucking insanity. 
i dont know what is going to make me happy. ive had best of friends that i thought would always be there and they disappeared or i forgot them. ive had everything you could basically imagine except for a goddamned hollywood life. i think i mightve figured out all of life's surprises at a relatively young age and i'm terrified it's jaded me and maybe just maybe im going to have to fake it til i make it. there is no way around this. maybe its just everything that's happened these past couple of days. i think i lie way too much on a daily basis. but i think between last night and tonight something inside of me broke. and it was the happy meter that was being charged for me and i just don't know but what i'm looking for and where i am looking for it is not... right.
i feel sorry for somebody who cannot feel.
i feel even more sorry for somebody who can feel but has become so bored with every possible human emotion that they have to navigate through life through the same trial and error.


this fucking sucks.

a sad day for humanity.

 someone i deemed worthy of my adoration recently told me that they considered me an equal in their eyes too. it made me very happy. i rate people, i think everyone does. or at least the people who actually think in their lives, don't just go through the motions of everyday living and aren't insanely boring. i love people who analyze everything i use to hate those people but slowly they became the most interesting kind of humans. anyways i rate people and the closer they fall to how i act and behave and think the higher they rate. if i think they're smarter than me i will become something of a parasite and hover around them until something great happens. 
i need more of these people!


so about my last few posts. apologies but i cannot elaborate. 


check it out. i just got my mojo back. nothing lasts forever but i am only interested in the here and now and in the here and now i want to have fucking fun and fun i shall have.

i need new.

something i did not expect to happen, happened today. it actually happened yesterday which makes it even worse that i got the full blow today. i cant write about it. but surprisingly i feel very fucking sad.


i have no desire to do anything right now. or later. or tomorrow. i just want to fill every void. 




yeah, sue me. i was leeching happiness from a power source. 

your mom.

duh


i woke up with a flaming headache. it's gone now. i also woke up way too early and definitely almost went to class an hour early. haha what a loser. check it out. i need something exciting to happen or i am going to regress. i refuse to fall back into that hole and i might have ran out of pills but i'm not gonna run out of energy. so. suck on that one, life.

i'm the best at ruining my life.

so now ive blown it once again, this would have been the last offense and you should have been here months ago  with open arms and honest face. address full doubt you've ever felt frustration well i'm choking on it now. and it's the hardest thing for me to shake. is it because of this vacancy that you swear never to believe? honestly honest me, with a look that's so deceiving. i'll bite, chew, swallow, and digest the hands that feed me. with a bayonet for a tongue, swallow words inadvertently, and to the organ flame I'll maintain a close adjacency. i have so many themes; i would love to explain to you. farewell to all the days you were, within my reach, and as of right now everything is making perfect sense.


this is probably going to be one of those posts that people are like whatthefuck. i would like to preface that i am definitely not in a right state of mind. ate some pills and drank some fancy wine and then everything went fucking crazy. like. ozzy osbourne crazy train status. in fact i have no idea what the shit just happened but it was definitely not awesome and way lame. in case anybody wanted to know, having deep conversations while fried is probably not the best idea. 
i have always loved that 'from autumn to ashes' song (im the best at ruining my life). but not until recently has it held such a personal meaning. again, might've been the drugs. 
im so glad i have this headache and i am incapable of having a clear fucking thought because i'd probably be pissed off about everything that happened today. thats what happens when you jump from one problem into another. gaybukake. ive been in some instructor class all day today and for the next two weeks. it's the most superfun times a human can ever have. the things people do for money! also, i hate public speaking. guh. i thoroughly annoyed myself today and it's like i'm doing everything in my annoying power to piss me off today. people are stupid. including me.


time to go order majah's birthday gifts!

etcetera.

MOTHERFUCK.
fucking aaaaaaa.


how does everything manage to always be stupid when i finally get happy. stupidstupidstupid. i am the best person when it comes to running away from my problems. dont be too shocked if i end up deploying in the next three months. just, fucking stupid.


oh yeah, im still alive. just really fucking busy lately.

dont look now.

i think its amusing that in a relationship a man wants a non-whore girl. but they still love to check out other whores whether its on a porn site or at the store. talk about mixed signals! you get what you ask for, fucker. the verdict is in- sex sells and if you dont want to buy it i'm confident someone else is willing to. 
'if you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married' YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN KATHARINE HEPBURN. 
honestly though. is it so hard to be happy with what you got? the chain reaction has to start somewhere and think what you want of me, but i -never- begin the chain reaction.

i blinked and the fear seized me up and i went numb. panic flutters across my eyes and i know i'm tense. time travel portal and what if i dreamed it all. i don't ever want to feel like that again. robot anesthesia. grab the closest thing near me and i'm back. walk away like nothing happened and continue to pretend it was a past lifetime. 

i just got home and mike came in and within ten minutes he's informing me of all the upcoming changes and how he's gonna be an instructor in a few months and some other shit and people coming over for thanksgiving. it seems like so long ago that i cared about the shit coming out of his mouth. i grab my phone so i can focus on anything else so i dont have to ask questions cus honestly i dont fucking want to know. 
ive gotten so far detached about what -is- going on that if i tried to come back in, i would get knocked over by all of it. it's a race i ran for two years and was always in full sprint to keep up so when i finally stopped trying to stay ahead, everything kept going and i fell so far behind. but there's people there and i'm just trying to keep up with them now. i hope that makes sense, i'm not a terrible person. i just can't care. it is that simple. i love what i have (had) but that was so long ago that it's possible i dreamed it. there was a lot i didn't know back then that i now know. we've all heard it 'ignorance is bliss' and it is. but who doesnt want to be in the loop? the truth is, getting close to people equals caring. caring about people gives them the opportunity to injure you and i dont mean this in some angsty way. some people care with hugs and kind words. i don't. and letting go fucking sucks but i'm finally happy and floating through life again and in the end, i hope i can forget everything- that's all i want out of all of it.




there's a deployment job opportunity i am considering. there are two main reasons to forbear but the reason i want to convince myself is the important one is my current job. but the first chance i get to fly off, bet you're fucking ass i'm not sticking around. 
this place is a destitution and i'm not talking about arizona.

for the sake.

why the hell is no one writing anymore? fascists.
so i am at work and catching up on the world news like the fact that kanye west apologized to george w bush for calling him a racist for the whole katrina thing. and i now know that bush is indeed not a "hater" and he forgives kanye. fucking awesome. world peace for everyone! oh and i totally want to open everyones eyes to a website i learned of yesterday called 'louisville free face' which is some guy in kentucky who is more commonly known as dark lord or simply 'god' and he goes around eating clean pussy for free, basically. i tried googling reviews but shockingly i cant find any. crazy, cus i thought he had a good gimmick going, especially with all the kitten gifs on his page. seems legit to me.
tomorrow is veterans day n shit. thats like fucking awesome to me cus i get the day off. oh yeah and plus i am a veteran so i dont feel like a complete asshole if i sleep in and dont shower and say thanks to anyone. THANK YOU, ME. YOU DID GOOD. this weekend is my two year wedding anniversary. that's fun. and inconvenient as shit cus we want to buy a new couch and rug but we both still have to buy each other gifts (hes getting a blu ray player) and i just dropped half a grand on my cars sound system. but gotta do what i gotta do.
i got into twitter yesterday. i dont really understand what its for aside for quick little laughs. this post is boring me. ill write more when i develop an interesting life. stayed tuned!

backwards.

destructive desires donate deluge, defeating durable devotion. desensitizing. devoid and desiccate. delivering dross destined dubiety- denigration. drubbed delacroux disaster.

the vows were never set in stone because they never existed in the first place the jokes stuck out as a forewarning and our friends came as a last minute witness to the shame that was being transcribed. if i could do it again... if i could. time and distance cast as variables into a play of real emotions. real people. real life. who thought this would be a good idea. you were hollywood from a small town and i am the embodiment of irony in skin suffering from lust detox. the roof top. the backyard. the tugging of sleeves. the bus ride. the long flight to aceldama. nothing could prepare for the end of the nightmare cus we get so fucking arrogant. 

purity and reason and boring predictability. chemical induced euphoria becomes taboo as does losing panties in backseats and swapping candy and cigarette smoke with other women at a nameless bar. looktothesequickthrillswithdollarbillsandsecretchillsforaluckytimewhisperingyoullbeminefuckit'sfine. 

panic strewn across your face as i meticulously study the facts as you face a window and back away. you're shaking and my patience has waned. a lifetime of bad short stories and freedom at the tip of my tongue. silence. humor. silence. curiosity. silence. dive in. how long has this been going on. silence. blank. innocence has been robbed you open your mouth and all i see are colors and you open your mouth and all i see is failed hope and you open your mouth and i hear buzzing. 

ive found promise. my silver lining is rusted before it's time. when i shake and seize from a mass intake i'll find release and ill close my eyes like that day in october. we feel good together. we vibe together. we're perfect together and yet we're nothing together.

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way. -charles dickens.

steady nirvana.

just a little bit i want to only feel a little bit. just a taste, a tiny taste. crank the music louder cus my legs are getting weaker as i am speeding down the lane and my thoughts are getting jumbled. chewing gum and playing scenes out in my mind like some predictable movie. i just want to be high. i just want to feel euphoria. i wonder if the ground dropped how long i would fall and would i keep my eyes open. if you drowned would you hold your breath until you no longer could or would you just let it happen naturally open your eyes wider as everything becomes a beautiful haze and you let go. yes.
hold me. hold me. hold me. hold me.

have you ever had your heart explode but you still lived on. eyes focus and extra sensory perception kicks in and my mind goes blank and my mouth is dry and it feels like a terrible trip and i keep chewing and my hand feels warmer and it's okay.
feelme.feelme.feelme.feelme. and keep me alive forever in a story.
this is exactly where everything is suppose to be. this is perfect. have you ever FELT perfect? this is elation. have you ever FELT elation? this is a moment that will out live me.

beatitude.

now you want to take it back, you think you might have fucked up.

in the closest alley,
in the first doorway,
he pushed up against her
and closed his eyes.
he said, "this is probably
the worst decision that I've ever made."
she laughed and smiled.
she said, "i'm sure you do this all the time- right, right, right, right, right?"

and the morning came, and the city woke
into the building, people all went to work,
as their rides out of town came they parted ways
she said, "do you know when you're coming back again?"
dig it deeper, deeper, and farther still,
bury it up, over and into the ground,
all these lies will grow in ways that we never thought possible.

quiet down, down, down
so soft of a sound,
you can hear it all coming back after you.
quiet down, down, down
so soft of a sound,
you can hear it all coming back after you.

now you want to take it back, you think you might have fucked up.
waking dreams of concrete, deafening panic, cracked skull,
there is yelling all around, get up, get up please start breathing
and the moment will come when you finally realize
the results of decisions and choices in your life,
can you hear it all coming back after you.

i wanna rock your body (til the break of dawn)

thats beautiful. it's like poetry.

i really suck at writing lately well i actually write but i never post it. so like halloween weekend was pretty cool uh went to tucson bought some clothes and went to some old tucson movie studio where a bunch of slutty high school kids go to be cool. it beats the mall but they were there too. probably my favorite part was the drive there it was like super sharp turns and dips the entire way for like fifteen miles. awesome. anyways we watched dawn of the dead with olson and that wasn't too bad i still think 28 weeks later takes home the zombie cake.  

turns out my sister is going through her own version of hell lately which sucks extra cus i can't just walk over there and hug her or something. but she reads my blog so i hope she knows i want to hug her and shit.

i've been having the deepest conversations for like the past two days. like leave nothing out express emotions try to teleport that other person into the exact moment you are trying to vividly explain and they can almost feel it. this is the first time i've been able to do that in over a year i think. i'm not sure if i ever reached that kind of level before. i mean i've had 'deep' conversations n shit but there's no compassion on the opposite side. there's no 'oh, god! IVE BEEN THERE. IVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE. i KNOW.' it's the strangest most peculiar feeling in the world when you are able to connect to another human and even if its for a couple seconds or years you actually KNOW that person. you can see every layer and you are able to grow from them because of it. you take a piece of them with you because they allow you to and you are absolutely a fucking better person for it. i feel so sorry for the people who never get on a deeper level with people. i pity the ones who refuse to open up or think they don't have something interesting to offer.
i don't think it would be so easy for me right now to feel genuine happiness if it weren't for these talks. it's like a release and then i'm filled back up like a vase with information and experiences and laughter. fuck i dont know. what i do know is the next two weeks will be moderately gay but that's okay cus that's just life. plus, i have a rubiks cube that needs to be solved.

oh yeah and did anybody else see that fucking megan fox is in that love the way you lie music video? i am probably super late in this but what the fuck? how did that go about? was eminem like hey who's the most famous prettiest shitty actress? fox? okay... and you said she sucks at acting right? but every guy with a cock wants to fuck her? okaaay... let's get her on the line. i need her to play a retarded girlfriend in my music video.

monster.

i am one of those. i dont know that i would call me a sociopath but i am veering off the road of shit that makes sense. i love this newfound free spirit of mine. i would never want to go back to the overbearing over-jealous bitch i was before. life is too fucking short. i want to ride this and if anybody wants to sit in front with me you're more than welcome to cus i can show you a life you've only dreamed of. if somebody wants to slow me down, fuck you. i'm going either way. i plan on going head first into everything. my job. my work outs. my pill popping. 


anyways. work was cool. 'nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else' (j.m. barrie)


and honestly.


i hope everyone else can find their 'niche' so to speak.