clyde got hung.

so i decided to have a dream that one of the most awesome guys i know killed himself. yeah. that was a shitty dream, brain. i definitely think i should go see greg aka clyde barrow one of these days. unfortunately whatever redneck state he's in now is probably farther than utah. so probs not. 
oh well. love ya anyways. sorry i killed you off in the dream.


i need to go get ready. 

baking your head is the new cool.

i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; 
i lift my lids and all is born again. 
(i think i made you up inside my head.) 

the stars go waltzing out in blue and red, 
and arbitrary blackness gallops in: 
i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. 

i dreamed that you bewitched me into bed 
and sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. 
(i think i made you up inside my head.) 

god topples from the sky, hell's fires fade: 
exit seraphim and satan's men: 
i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. 

i fancied you'd return the way you said, 
but i grow old and i forget your name. 
(i think i made you up inside my head.) 

i should have loved a thunderbird instead; 
at least when spring comes they roar back again. 
i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. 
(i think i made you up inside my head.)
— Sylvia Plath

another reason why technology sucks

so this morning my alarm woke me up like every other morning. and then my phone said fuck you. and it went black and every time i touched something on it, it vibrated. so i took out the battery and then the screen never came back. so essentially my phone became possessed and murdered itself. 

and that is what i get to do today. go to verizon stand in line for a few hours and then get a replacement phone. yesterday i remembered why i cant stand phones. i havent really been texting anyone for the past week or two. and i was talking to danny yesterday and god. it was so fucking annoying. cus none of my messages would send.

id have better luck with smoke signals probably. 

who thought it was a good idea to make cell phones a normal thing? an asshole probably.

stranded at the drive in. branded a fool.

last week my heart was broken by a dog by the name of buster. i haven't recovered yet and when i think of him i have a little anxiety attack while the moths in my tummy fly around in their lonely void.

im going back to the shelter today. maybe buster is still there maybe he ate the asshole's kid and they decided not to keep him and the shelter lady forgot to call me. i doubt it. but fuck. i love that dog so much. there is probably a Dog Lovers Anonymous somewhere out there and i need to attend meetings or something.

on the flip side. i love that a dog i barely know can make me cry tears that no other human really can. 

there is hope for me yet. maybe im not a complete robot. maybe i just have a different kind of love. 

oh yeah. anybody have any pills? im fiending lately and im looking for a fix.

our conversations are circles always one sided.

everytime i think i have a solution it just comes back to the same 'there's always a loophole'.

there is ALWAYS a loophole. 

no matter how i slice it or dice it. i could outsmart an average idiot but im constantly chasing here and im getting farther and farther away from what i'm trying to do in an ironic disgusting twist.

so far i think i have come up with about seven? maybe ten different solutions. each one more nazi and fucking insane than the last one. one of these days im going to say fuck all of this and pack up everything i give a shit about, throw it in my honda and drive off in the night. 

what drives a perfectly sane nonchalant person

to be

a fucking nutcase. 

what the fuck am i scared of.

this was suppose to be the future.

work makes me want to staple my face to a moving train.

it's finally over.

reading post secrets makes me happy :)


and im glad christmas is finally fucking over. 
i have like 9 days to go before i can finally feel like a real adult.
and then i will hop on a flight to texas to begin my instructing journey. except for the first time in my life, i dont want to fly. i hate what airports have become. ive been flying since i was a baby. my first trip i dont even think i was one years old and my parents threw me in an airplane and i was off to honduras. i remember back then they would serve real food. and always with the peanuts. the peanuts were almost a landmark in my childhood. my parents traveled to honduras a lot when i was little and me and yaudet would always fight over who would get the peanuts. 
and now flying is a hassle. i fucking hate flying. the last flight i took was from (korea to japan) japan to los angeles and thats where they stole like over a thousand bucks of electronics from mike. i was happy as shit cus i was finally back in my element. i fucking love los angeles. it's my giant sign of hope and familiarity. plus its always been where i landed after leaving the worst places on earth. i think the best i ever felt was when i came home for my midtour leave from iraq. i was going to surprise my family so i had my best friend pick me up near the airport. it was one of the greatest feelings of my entire life.
but. now you get raped at airports. and you can barely even have carry on luggage. and everybody is a dick at the airport. and then theres the constant worry that HOLYSHIT THAT FUCKING TALIBAN GAVE ME THE STINK EYE. if i get blown up in an airport- i will be sopissedoff. i dont intend on dying anytime soon, see. i'm slowly starting my twenty year plan to change the world.


i hate flying
and im glad christmas is over.

could be anything at this point.

so for the past few weeks maybe days i dont know i have been feeling super... emotional. so to say, that my emotions and the way i perceive things has been ultra heightened but not in a pleasant way but more in a really sad fucking way.
then again it may be the pills that i keep eating. they have about a thousand different side effects. one is that i zone out and tune out pretty easily. another one is that i feel very optimistic. about everything. it seems to increase my hope reservoir i guess. but then it also makes me feel depressions a lot harder. 


im watching this show called 'dead like me'. i totally recommend it. unfortunately. it's making me think far too much. and i don't much feel like thinking even at all. whatever.

brandon atterberry.

i remember the first time i met brandon. i thought he was tall and right after he opened his mouth and introduced himself in a way i hadnt seen in the military in a long time i thought 'who does this asshole think he is'. i think he offered to show me around or something. he was wearing a long sleeve shirt i think light blue. 
i had actually seen him prior to this when i was shown where i would be working by some of the biggest assholes i will ever meet. brandon was pretending to clean a table. that was their job. pretend to clean. he muttered something when i walked by and i thought he was an asshole. i didn't care. i was new and i didn't want to be new because being new at a unit in the army is like having a giant fucking beacon on your ass. i was tired of stupid army games and i just wanted to kick back at a duty station. that wasn't going to be the case but that's not what this story is about.
i dont know how it all happened that is how brandon and i became best pals for our short time together. but we did. we'd go to the commissary together (it has food!) and we'd talk shit about deese. like one time, we were at the old motor pool and brandon made it a point to make deese stand at least three feet away. turns out that was near impossible since deese wanted to rape brandon. 
i only knew brandon for about three months or so before he left the army and went back to nevada and essentially nailed the coffin for me since i was fucked and alone in a really shitty situation. i probably would never have said it out loud to him back then and it probably would have led to a lot of problems but i desperately wished he would have stayed there a little longer. it just wasn't in the cards.
in our short time, we dabbled with otc pills and the bullshit that came out of that. we got stuck in the middle of seoul and got in massive trouble for it. we fought a lot. we watched a lot of tv. we shopped. we made pudding. we did laundry. i force fed him water. i loved his eyes and freckles. 
the night he left for good, we took pills. his room was empty and i think he was still cleaning it. he stayed in my room for a few hours and i passed in and out of sleep while weird ass music played on the stereo he bought me. my black light was on. we decorated my room together.
when i woke up it was one of the saddest loneliest wake ups of my life. he was gone of course and in his place was a pink ball on my lamp. a robot in my microwave. a bag of magnets. a cup with coins. a neatly folded uniform and his boots on top. 
the pink ball stayed on my lamp the rest of my time overseas. the robot moved around and when i left korea, i left it with a silly guy that i knew brandon would have gotten along with. the magnets i still have to this day. they are on my fridge (the ones we bought together and the ones that belong to aryanna) i kept the cup throughout the tour, as well. it held random things. it's also where i would toss those useless coins that the army places so much importance over. the coins i gave to a katusa. and i still have your uniform tucked away in some kind of storage. 


when brandon left korea we talked off and on for a few weeks. id send a message and he'd reply every once in a while but i didnt want him to incur any crazy phone bills and over time he stopped writing so i figured he'd forgotten his old life in the military and he was probably dying to forget about the horrible place he had left behind. i thought of him from time to time. i'd look him up every once in a while but he didnt have much of an internet footprint. it wasn't until i was almost about to leave korea that i made a final attempt to get in touch again so we could maybe meet again when i returned to california. he had made a facebook! we reconnected and i was happy, though it's never been quite the same- internet/texting vs our face-to-face contact.


brandon was the one who got me to love redbulls. brandon was the one who made me appreciate walking up a thousand steps to get to the stupid office i worked at (he once made a comment to the degree of 'you'll have amazon legs when you leave this place!'. i smirked at that line from time to time while i begrudgingly made my way up the stairs). brandon helped me decorate my shitty barracks room in a way that would get the chain-of-command to think i was a fucking nut. he gave me some cabbage patch kid doll. so i wrapped a scarf around it and hung it from my lamp. i spent an insane amount of money on glow in the dark shit and a blacklight. we cut out "artistic" pages from music magazines and styled them in "artistic" fashions and put them on my wall. it was rather sad to throw them away. we would water color. i would made random art pieces out of candle wax or rolled up magazines and draw weird shit. 
brandon basically made my life better just by being in it. 


and i miss him like a retard misses the point.
but i'm so glad i know him cus he's fucking brilliant. 

i found this picture a few minutes ago and it reminded me of everything. like the burned up 'blood brothers' magazine pages on the wall (they never moved) and putting up all the pictures and of course, the oracle and that ugly doll. 

ignore the skeleton in the middle of the room.

adopted. by assholes.

yesterday i formed a bond with an amazing and gorgeous dog by the unholy name of buster. buster, the refined boxer mix. with freckles behind his ears brown eyes that look into your face and seem to understand everything and yet absolutely nothing because he's only a dog and i'm only a human. giant paws that stand their ground and a small body with a soft coat attached to a giant head with a mouth that always looks like he's smiling. the first time i went to the shelter he was the one that made me cry. he was the last dog i looked at before i felt overpowered by an insane sadness cus he just screamed 'someone look at me. someone take me. i'm not a fucking animal that needs to be caged' so i cried. the second time i went to the shelter we played with him. that was yesterday. and i fell in love with him and he became used to us. i went to the store picked up some animal food to donate and i picked out a little tug of war rope just for him. 
mike wanted to go climb some stupid canyon this morning and in the afternoon we'd play with buster. we got to the shelter. and i made a little joke about how buster didnt love mike and he'd gone home with some one else. we signed in and the old lady told us someone had just left twenty minutes ago and they had adopted him. brought his asshole family and his OTHER DOG and they all got along wonderfully. because buster is the kind of dog that gets along wonderfully with everyone. because he's fucking perfect.
so i went out to see buster. he came over to me all playful unlike the last two times, when he had reservations. i started crying and he started pawing at my hands repeatedly. he kept putting his giant paws on me and licking and wagging his beautiful little tail. and i cried and cried and cried some more.
because no matter what that asshole thinks, there's no way he's ever going to love buster as much as i would have.
we went to the car and sat in silence and then i decided to leave my business card behind and an offer of a hundred dollars. 


god i am so fucking pissed. 

and it's gone.

last night dragged on for what i am pretty sure was forever. i could not sleep if my life depended on it. i kept thinking about the most random shit that happened like two years ago. it was, in one word, annoying. 
today's christmas eve apparently. i actually have no plans for this weekend since i never was one for celebrating holidays. ha. this one christmas, my mom decided she hated my dad. so she left him like christmas eve night and i went and we spent the night in santa monica at her old boss' house. i ate a soymilk popsicle. when the new year rolled around we lived with one of her coworkers. she smoked and had dyke-like tendencies. she gave me a gift when she found out i didnt get anything over the holidays. it was my first pair of volcom clothes. i loved them. i wasnt necessarily poor. i just had no fucking sense of what was cool or even pleasant. 
my dad had gone crazy during this time. and so this whole entire time was fucking-crazy-im-surprised-im-alive.
everything changed after that.


i dont really like holidays. i use to enjoy it for the food cus im a fat ass. but since im not really eating real food anymore there isnt even that. i guess ill smoke an extra cigarette in celebration.


yesterday we found the perfect dog. i say perfect because we both love him. he's probably far from perfect since he looks like the kind of dog that if you fall asleep on the floor he will think you are dead and fucking eat your throat. he's part boxer and i think part t-rex. they didnt know how old he was but he's definitely less than two years. but i like him. he's refined. the first two times i saw him he would do this weird anxiety dance. he would run to the gate. look around me. trot back to safety and just stare. for about half an hour.
so i said fuck it. lets take him out. YEAH. refined my ass. this motherfucker is like a speeding bullet with hulk tendencies. man handled the shit out of me and asphyxiated himself and shut down all the other dogs. i fell in love. 
if ever there has been something that could be called 'alpha male' it is this dog. named buster. he pissed on literally everything to mark territory. it was insane.
so shit is kind of falling into place except not really. i'm still hoping a stupid distraction will come into play. i miss the old charger.

rhetorical question.

could murder by death be an even more amazing band?

no.

they can't be.

paparazzi.

i guess i was spotted this weekend in bisbee. during one of my smoke breaks these two guys were out smoking too and one of them was like hey girl how was your photo shoot in bisbee this weekend and i was like uh. good? haha check me out with my fame n shit.
no but really. i need to not look the same at work and not at work. that takes the fun out of living. fortunately it was not a retardedly hideous guy so it all balances. BALANCE kids. that is what it is about.
and shits going fantastic. i think im going up to some canyon on friday and no christmas nonsense. well maybe get drunk and pass out but probably not.
kukukachu.

hypocrisy and you.

i think today i maybe had an awakening but it's too early to tell and i will probably forget it all by my next smoke break. one day i think i will go to college and try it out because i want to shove my diploma in people's faces. but moreso because i want to find a professor's brain to fall in love with. i want to find people i think are smarter than me and what better place than a fucking college.

i digress. at one point or another i want to study theology. just to taste it. 

last night i went up a mountain and watched the lunar eclipse. it was pretty fucking cold and there was some overcast. but it was a perfect quiet up there. not the kind of silence that bangs so loud on your ears but enough subtle noises and wind to make my mind go all over the place. i thought so much, i thought i was going to die. i just kept thinking and thinking. i think i am falling in love with the outdoors. not camping and shit. that is still retarded. but just being outdoors away from computers. it all comes back to that. i fucking hate computers. IS THAT POINT EVIDENT YET?

i found a passage today, that i enjoyed. actually, i found two.

these six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: a proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, an heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren."

and the Lord spake unto Moses, saying, If a soul sin, and commit a trespass against the LORD, and lie unto his neighbor... or hath deceived his neighbor... and lieth concerning it, and sweareth falsely; in any of all these that a man doeth, sinning therein: then it shall be, because he hath sinned, and is guilty

if anybody was to ask me if i'm a hypocrite id probably reply yes before i even have a second to process what the fuck was just asked. also, if anybody was to ask me if i believe in God, yup. see, id rather not take my chances with purg- wait for it. keep waiting... keep-waiting-for-all-of-eternity-only-to-discover-there's-no-escape -atory. so even if i'm completely wrong, at least i wasnt a complete douchebag that didnt live for anything and was an asshole to everybody cus there was no moral code to ever abide by cus there were never any consequences. savvy?

however. and remember, im no saint.

I HAVE NO FUCKING TOLERANCE for a son-of-a-bitch who claims they are holy and yes, they sin, but they are devout Christians yet refuse to admit they are a mf'ing hypocrite. if you tell your boss your doctor appointment is running an hour late so you can go home for a nap, ITS A LIE. if you omit the truth, ITS STILL A LIE. if you download music illegally, ITS STEALING (and also against the law. you derelict.). if you look at a girl and you instantly think 'man i'd fuck her into next week'- YOURE A FUCKING CHEATER

(for the ignorant- not as an insult, but rather for those who believe they know the Bible but actually don't know shit and still think that 'lust' is not adultery, if we are still operating under the same argument, then i present to you the passage: 'you have heard that it was said, 'do not commit adultery.' but i tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. but i tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.' -Matthew 5:27)

i think it would be wise to reconsider your views or maybe take a deep, hard look within yourself and consider making some changes if you still think you will have the pleasure of entering the gates of Heaven and yet you are still a piece of shit on earth. i'm no judge, but i like to think a have a pretty realistic grasp on things and i think you (yes. i'm actually venting about someone here) have an extremely warped view about your past and where you stand now. 

and sure. lying, cheating, stealing, all forgivable sins if you should just beg for forgiveness. but i pose to you the question, when the fuck are you doing that? or do you continue to lie to yourself (and ultimately, God) and say, 'tomorrow.'? if thats the case (and let's be honest. we both know it is) then i am really glad you enjoy tanning and being out in the sun and all that fun stuff. because i hear hell is really fucking hot around this time of the year.

get your fucking shit sorted, you pathetic ass piece of shit.

check for a pulse cus this is unreal.

so i love barely getting any sleep because right before midnight i get to have a big ass fight. it's amazing. i love it. man i wish i could be even more sleep deprived. i really liked the part where i smoked a bunch of cigarettes to try to calm down. that was probably my favorite part. but it doesnt beat out the text-message-dating discovery. that was probably funner in hindsight. man can every day and night be that much fun? no way. i would die from the insane amount of fun. i guess i will just have to continue living in this piece of shit prosaic BANE EXISTENCE.

whoah i started this earlier in the day but then i had to waste my entire morning re-writing my resume to the company's format and i am pretty sure my boss saw me blogging so that is awesome. if he didn't think i was a fucking loser before HE DOES NOW. oh and i got to spend about an hour of that trying to log in to the stupid work website which was amazing. i realized that i would have better luck trying to hack into the f'ing pentagon's main dataframe or whatever than to ever figure out how the fuck i am suppose to log in to my stupid accounts. whatever. i am considering becoming a locksmith or build wells or something. i fucking hate computers. not like i hate stupid people but it's a hate powered by the sun's energy on cocaine. ITS IMMENSURABLE.

today is one of those days that i actually miss being in the army because those guys only have to work half the day. plus i would get like 75 paid days off a year. i think that part kind of rocks my face off. on the flip side, i dont miss losing my dignity every day, i dont miss getting shit on by people who are obviously dumber and uglier than i am and i dont miss getting sent into a foreign country every other year where civilization is pretty much non-existent. but. i could definitely go for some time off right now because i am really bodaciously bored in my little corner right now even though i have shit to do. it is far better to complain about it than to actually get it done.

i took some pretty rad photos this weekend. i am so lazy when i get home so that is why they are not here but maybe tonight i will not be so lazy and or busy and maybe i will put them up but i would not hold my breath if i were you. plus i think i am going to go climb a mountain tonight to watch some shit with the moon. i don't know. whatever. i will get to it when i get to it. don't fucking rush me.

that is all.

guh.

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything

what have i become
my sweetest friend
everyone i know goes away
in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

i wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
i am still right here

what have i become
my sweetest friend
everyone i know goes away
in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way

off to see the wizard.

hey, guy. if you read this, FUCK YOU.


off to bisbee. hopefully get some good shots in.

kicking it in the mix.

checkit. im getting bored of your shit. you either coexist or bust. i cant stand this perpetual madness you have going on.


so i think i will be going down to holy land of bisbee again and walk around it's gold paved streets and maybe even sacrifice the calories and indulge in a heavenly coffee that they top with halos. oh, bisbee. i think i love you
and i'm building a portfolio type website to showcase mike and my photographs. it was mainly his idea but i really was into building a website. so, chyea! only a few more days to go! i got to see my new house yesterday. it's everything i need it to be and more. except mine. it will never be mine, but i can live with that. 


cheers.

connected. connected... CONNECTED.

i hate the word connected now. i wish i was DISCONNECTED. its almost the end of 2010 and that means i lived my second decade. you know what? fuck that decade. the past ten years are fucking disgusting.

aside from EVERYTHING has lost it's meaning... it feels like i've lost my basic understanding of life. it seemed that as a kid (ten years ago) everything made so much sense. it was simple. go to school. fall in love. get married. have a job. make money. buy things and a house. retire. die. probably in that order. almost none of that happened. especially not in that order. i was a huge slut for a while. i probably have mouth aids by now. i barely finished school. i went to war before my 20th birthday and i attempted suicide by pills, and then later became heavily addicted to those stupid pills.

i've become dissociated with everything. and yet, i'm still connected. let me explain. 

i want to run away with the first person who is willing to leave everything behind. we can communicate with family and possibly friends via the pony express. we'll buy stamps and send fucking letters and goddamned post cards. BUT ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING PHONES AND THE FUCKING TEXTING AND THE FUCKING SOCIAL MEDIA. 

on an average google "image search", so i can get a basic idea of what i am "googling" looks like, i see at least four tits. i'm pretty sure if i were to google cute cats, by the third stroll, i would have a giant fucking snatch right in the middle of my computer screen. 

i am the biggest hater of porn. i'm pretty sure anybody who knows me, knows that. i think if you cant get your fucking rocks off without having to watch three girls getting nailed by thirteen guys and getting money shots at the end, then i should probably not marry you.

but now? in this past decade? the only thing that gets a real reaction out of people is watching 'two girls one cup' videos. but nobody gives a shit. 

on any given day, some retard on one of these retarded social networking site informs all of us about where they are. thanks! thanks so much, man. maybe i will join you. just maybe!

marriage has no fucking meaning! having kids barely means anything! who isnt cheating on their spouse or lying about where they are? who even plans their kids anymore? thank god for abortions, right?

i'm ranting.

probably because

i was expecting a lot of changes ten years ago. but nothing like the ones we got.

i want to disconnect but it's a lonely life. everybody's so busy buzzing around, being connected. giving a shit, while at the same time, saying they don't care. 

i honestly do not care. 

find me someone who's willing to pull the plug and i'll find us some tickets to get the fuck out of here.

i want to write!

i've been wanting to write for a few days but i am just always fucking busy doing stupid shit. it's pretty sad. i'm going to be even more swamped in the upcoming weeks. i'll be moving out of this stupid apartment and into the house so i have to find some stupid boxes and put all our stupid shit in those stupid boxes.
for about three days i'll be staying in a hotel or something.
then furnishing the house and then i'll be going to texas to instruct.
i'm on some pills that are... weird.
and some other stuff.

sick.

i'm so sick of living in a cramped ass studio apartment even though i make enough money that i could move out into a decent apartment and live comfortably. or i could buy a fucking house in california and be happy.
im so sick of this tiny ass kitchen with no room for fucking anything. we've stacked shit up vertically on every piece of real estate. 
im so sick of that 1940's refrigerator that the freezer is half it's size because it always freezes over no matter what the temperature is set on.
im so sick that everything in this stupid apartment has an expiration date of three days- max.
im so sick of the dust that collects on everything so i have to dust all the time if this place is going to look decent and i'm always getting allergy attacks- simply because the air conditioning is basically just a box that takes the air from outside and blows it inside.
i'm so sick of you always turning the fucking air conditioner off.
i'm so sick of that stupid stove that is fucking impossible to clean and i'm pretty sure it is trying to kill me. 
im so sick of the goddamned dishwasher making the dishes even dirtier somehow than when they went in, so i prewash, dishwash and then end up washing those dishes again.
im so sick of having to dish out quarters every sunday to wash my fucking clothes but i just spent eleven hundred dollars on a brand new mint set.
im so sick of this stupid fucking couch that basically folds over if you sit on it past a half hour.
im so sick of the electricity bill being over 60 motherfucking dollars when its only a motherfucking studio.




can you tell im excited to move into the new house in january? 

i could love you like no other.

i went to the animal shelter to pick out a kitten to love forever and there were these two little fluffy gray ones. THEY WERE SO GODDAMNED PLAYFUL. but they were both taken. i was going to get an older kitten who was like a slinky. seriously. his little tummy went on forever. but i decided not to. i'll keep going back until i find the perfect one that gets along great with me like those little gray ones. ive never seen so many gorgeous cats in one single location. it was retarded.


then i went to look at the dogs. which incidentally seemed to all be a mix of bull dog/pit bull/ boxer. and they were all loud and mean looking until you got next to them and they whimpered and licked my hand.


then i started crying. uncontrollably. 
looking at these little animals that have no voice aside from a loud ass bark no actual purpose aside from love and be loved. eat, play, sleep. they have no choice in anything. there, in cages. caged. and waiting. properly cared for, but still in cages. because they're animals. and i thought maybe because they're all "aggressive" breeds, maybe they would be euthanised. and that thought killed me. it absolutely murdered me. and i couldnt stop crying until the little old lady told me they rarely euthanise. and maybe she was lying because she could see my eyes begging her to say that it rarely happens. but it allowed me to walk out of there without trying to hand over five thousand bucks so that they keep them alive until SOMEONE takes them.


i fucking love animals.


and if i ever see anybody hurt an animal, i will seriously go ape shit and assassinate them. 

the self fulfilled prophecy?

when i was a tiny kid and my basic childhood memories were being formed, probably, my parents use to take me to church. i went cus i was a little kid. they also use to dress me in dresses and i maybe even liked them.
the pastor there had a dog that i think was a collie. and i think maybe the dogs name was blueberry or muffin because everytime i recall these memories, i think of blueberry muffins. this man use to call me a troublemaker. as far as i'm concerned, i never caused much trouble. i remember i use to love doodling in my mom's agenda during the sermons. i would often redraw a painting that i think my oldest sister drew long ago, an alien of sorts and it said 'the truth is out there'. i looked up to her a lot as a little girl, since she was my favorite sister then and to this day, she still holds the title. we always got along perfectly well. she never really judged me and she had a lot of unique talent. my other sister had talents as well. academically, she was second to none. she was probably a child genius and somewhere in high school- it all went away, like maybe it was never there and she had produced all those awards and honors herself, in art class or something.
what that pastor called me has always stuck out in my mind, for the past fifteen years, probably. it was the first time i remember someone calling me a "troublemaker" and it was definitely not the last. it wasn't until the past six or so years that i've actually done anything i thought was troublesome. in the sixth grade, a teacher i had, ms. bell (she was widowed. half death. had a bee farm. knew sign language). she told my mother i spoke in class too much. a follower. that i should be kept separated from chris, my best friend and also the boy who i had much affection for.
even as she said it, i thought, bullshit. i'm not a follower. people follow me.
my mom grounded me.

i think, maybe, if a person hears something enough they will become whatever it is society is constantly telling them they are.
it's a shame i'll never be a mother because sometimes i think i could create some fantastic mini humans. they would be brilliant and go far in life and understand that a fat bank account does not mean they have gone far in life. it's a shame, but it's a bigger shame the reasons why i refuse to procreate.

what i mean from all this is, i dont necessarily think i am a troublemaker. though, others seem to think so. i've also been told i have a way about me that leads people to believe i fuck on the first date. generally, untrue. i've been told i have a slut's smile. maybe, but i've yet to meet a professional slut and compare our grins. none of it has ever mattered- and i don't think it ever will matter. i don't wake up and think about who i am going to fuck over on that day. i live my life always looking for who i can help, inspire, lead, listen to, or hug. i enlisted in the army for several reasons but a huge personal reason was to help. i wanted nothin more than to help the people who could not help themselves.
and it was a huge mistake. and sometimes i fear i hurt more than i helped. but there's nothing that can be done or said about that today.

i think the moral of this is, consider what it is you say to people.

laugh out loud.

haha theres this new-ish guy that works in my office. he's this big black guy, pretty old. the kind that makes noises when he gets out of his chair. for the most part i did not mind him even though he apparently gets bored and starts walking around and talking to whoever isnt busy. even if youre talking to someone else he will jump in. well i walked in this morning and they are all gossiping and its about four girls that work downstairs, plus this big guy. apparently he is trying to get the scoop on everyone else cus hes contributing asking for details and then says shit like "oh wow i cant believe you guys are saying this" and then keeps listening. 

shiesty. 

it's funny the type of people that exist. its almost like he is begging to fit in. accept me. please. DEAR GOD ACCEPT ME I AM WILLING TO COMPROMISE MY MORALS IF YOU ALLOW ME INTO THIS CONVERSATION THAT YOU APPEAR VERY EXCITED ABOUT. no, man. NO. conversation whore.

nobody writes anymore. it's so so sad.  

my eyes feel like they are being lubricated by acid.

a spark of me and a blur of you: unremarkable.

people who refuse the opportunity to grow and experience something are wastes to me. probably to everyone and a lot are probably too shy to express it or say it out loud. why would anybody pass up a chance to experience something new? just to try it. i'm not advocating going out and trying out smack just because. though, if that's your choice of drug, kudos to you. no. it's the simple things, the little things. something out of the comfort zone. anything to give you something to talk about, outside of what you've always been known to talk about. why grit your teeth when you see something or someone so brilliant and you wish so fucking hard you could shine just a little bit, like them. like anything. like a dull, dying flashlight, even. i just wonder, what are you living for? just to get by a means to an end. just boring. a boring bore that bears no beguilement.

i see these people and their eyes are so empty and i know why. and i try to introduce them to life and a release even something as simple as everyday comedy. finding mirth where no one ever thinks to look and opening your mind to something beyond your nose and loving nothing but yourself cus thats the best kind of love and yet theres this huge resistance. people bring on their own despair. if you feel trapped, it's cus you never tried revolving the door knob and fucking walking out. you remain bored and you remain boring and build a bigger barricade between you and a better life.

you're so fucking special.

i read you and i listen to you but you only exist to me.

it's unfortunate that when we feel a storm
we can roll ourselves over 'cause we're uncomfortable
oh well, the devil makes us sin
but we like it when we're spinning in his grip

love is like a sin, my love,
for the ones that feel it the most
look at her with her eyes like a flame
she will love you like a fly will never love you again 

Massive Attack - Paradise Circus

crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit.

ima do just what i want lookin ahead no turnin back
if i fall, if i die, know i lived it till the fullest
if i fall, if i die, know i lived and missed some bullets
im on the pursuit of happiness and i know everything that shine ain't always gona be gold
ill be fine once i get it, ill be good.

this song couldnt possibly be anymore awesome unless it was like my theme song every time i walked into a room. talk about an instant euphoria injection. and the video? fucking genius. why is kid cudi such a bamf. god. PROPHET MUCH?

 

so last night i had a pretty long ass talk. it happened when my mouth moved faster than my brain. i tried to stop it but by the time i processed what the fuck i had just did, he had already lowered the television volume. i just want to coast through everything. it was nice while it lasted, man. but you can't keep the people you want to keep. the people that make you feel good. the ones 'mad for life'. 

speaking of which. remember the days when my motto was 'you cant go wrong' and 'you cant be me'? yeah. neither do i. 

next year is a 'down year' which means if history tells me anything it means next year will be devastatingly crushing. given the increasing negativity, im liable to end up in a coma. id take a coma over another 2009. it might seem like i'm down but i'm not. i feel great. i wouldnt say i'm happy as fuck but i have a lot to look forward to and it can only get better from here. well, after next year- no way around that. karma debt to be settled there.

 

guh!

buzz noise.

too bad it is sunday because i just realized i dont want to be sober or home anymore. i guess i will take a shower and go get gas and cigarettes for the sake of getting the fuck out of here for a few minutes. 
the more i think about all of this the more i think that its a righteous bad fucking idea. there's no common ground and i noticed i am reverting. i need to find another crutch. this is not healthy and it is fucking stupid.


i don't like you. i can't stand you. the past two years have been an insane amount of misery. you fucking suck at life. and you are boring beyond reason. go wank off to some fucking hentai. faggot.


im basically throwing this snatch out there. hahahahahahahaahhaha

i love how any days emotion can be covered by an exploding dog comic. ho ho ho.

happiness can be found- even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

i just got done watching the latest harry potter movie and im not going to lie, it was like a moviegasm. surprisingly, it followed the book's plot pretty well to say that i was radically impressed. then again im super pissed i have to wait probably another year for part two. i'm tempted to reread the series again. ON MY KINDLE. 
god i cant get over how fantastic that movie was. and it totally reinstated my childhood dream of realizing i want to be a wizard. DO YOU KNOW HOW BADASS THAT WOULD BE? oh yeah and i definitely cried at the end. <3


in other news. im sick of being an after thought and or a backup. but whatever. it is what it is, as they say. WHEN IN ROME.

trying to forget.

instead of doing anything remotely exciting last night, i opted to sleep in my floor yesterday. i ended up passing out until sometime late today. in other words, a short coma. ive been watching a harry potter marathon all day. so my land lord or like her assistant came over today and was bitching that our lease expired and our rent has gone up over two hundred bucks. so mike's like oh yeah well we're moving out so we're not gonna need to renew that lease and the bitch has the audacity to say well you can stay in january (for three days) but youll have to pay seven hundred something. i thought about going off on her but ill go about it passively aggressively and post bad reviews of the complex all over the internet.


whoa. i started this stupid post like hours ago and never posted it.


anyways i went to the store earlier and totally forgot that the main road was gonna be shut off so for like thirty minutes i was trying to navigate to the side roads cus there was totally and complete anarchy chaos on the streets. it was like free for all. i think i saw cops speeding away from the insanity. people were hauling ass down the street in christmas light-covered toboggan looking things. it was freaking ridiculous. it was foreshadowed when we were in our parking lot and mike was like ooh big lights over there and we were going to go track them down kind of like a scavenger hunt of sorts. YEAH THATS NOT HAPPENING. 


so i cant wait until january to move the fuck out of this junk yard. 
harry potter in like an hour. yippekiyay mf'er.

can you make me happy.

i thought so.

in like two hours i am going to graduate the class ive been in for three weeks which is fantastic. i just ate some jack n the box. it was gross. thank you for reminding me why i dont waste money on fast food, jack. 

my life has been an ultra level of boring the past few weeks. i think i might go watch hp tonight which contrary to popular belief is not gay.

oh yeah i got a kindle. i am basically in love with it. thats jules verne. ive never read any of his books. the closest ive gotten to reading anything verne related was i read some passages from my dad's spanish copy of twenty thousand leagues under the sea. and i'm not even sure if it was a legit copy.

im going to go lie in my floor before i have to go back to class for graduation.