i just wasted like an hour talking to michael about how i am not going to stick around for the next lie. basically he confessed that anytime i am out of the house he hops on porn sites which i dont really care how other people lead their lives but i definitely have an issue with it so unless his cock is inside me i'm not putting up with it but then we argued about the dishes like always for some reason ITS ALWAYS ABOUT THE DISHES i think maybe it is a paradigm for our entire relationship i dont fucking know. all these underlying-but-not-really issues came out and i came to the usual conclusion: what the fuck is the point of being married to someone and continue a facade if you cannot trust someone, sleep with someone occasionally, joke in your usual manner or go on about day to day business without someone bitching or someone thinking they are bitching when they are only joking but too bad they dont understand your jokes. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE INCENTIVE TO DO SHIT? maybe if i got a tit job and did blow for a year? oh and bleached my entire head blonde that seems to do it for the fucker but maybe i should probably do that and then leave and make amateur porn and mail him a dvd of me getting train ran on me? MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE.
in case anybodys life sucks so much they like to bask in others misery and shit there you go an entire fucking paragraph to satisfy any selfish desires hahaha
I NEED TO GO SWIMMING NOW and probably almost finish the amazing kurt vonnegut book i am falling in love with
wooo!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
i can show you how to do-si-do i can show you how to scratch a record
everyday for the past week or two i have been waking up a lot earlier than i want to and i am so fucking excited to be awake so early on a wednesday when normally i would still be comatose.
in case anybody is thoroughly concerned for my wellbeing i am totally and completely fine because whenever i start to feel like shit i think AT LEAST I AM NOT IN KOREA ANYMORE I COULD BE ON FIRE AND RAPED BY DRAGONS AND SHIT AND I WOULD STILL BE HAPPY BECAUSE I AM NOT IN KOREA. everything else is just icing on my metaphorical cake.
i woke up feeling like an suv was parked on my chest all night long maybe i should probably quit chain smoking in my car everywhere i go it did not help that i went to one of the contracting buildings out here and had to work my nerves up to actually get out of my car since when i am such a little bitch? i dont know.
i dont understand commercials.
maybe when more interesting shit happens in my life i will have something better to write because for right now the most interesting thing in my life is that i barely hold the steering wheel anymore when i drive because it is funner that way i hope i dont die!
in case anybody is thoroughly concerned for my wellbeing i am totally and completely fine because whenever i start to feel like shit i think AT LEAST I AM NOT IN KOREA ANYMORE I COULD BE ON FIRE AND RAPED BY DRAGONS AND SHIT AND I WOULD STILL BE HAPPY BECAUSE I AM NOT IN KOREA. everything else is just icing on my metaphorical cake.
i woke up feeling like an suv was parked on my chest all night long maybe i should probably quit chain smoking in my car everywhere i go it did not help that i went to one of the contracting buildings out here and had to work my nerves up to actually get out of my car since when i am such a little bitch? i dont know.
maybe when more interesting shit happens in my life i will have something better to write because for right now the most interesting thing in my life is that i barely hold the steering wheel anymore when i drive because it is funner that way i hope i dont die!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
she was proof against cleverness, she was proof against charm
'the helpless part of trying to do anything about it was that she did it all herself. she was not a girl who could be won in the kinetic sense- she was proof against cleverness, she was proof against charm; if any of these assailed her too strongly she would immediately resolve the affair to a physical basis, and under the magic of her physical splendor the strong as well as the brilliant played her game and not their own. she was entertained only by the gratification of her desires and by the direct exercise of her own charm. perhaps from so much youthful love, so many youthful lovers, she had come, in self-defense, to nourish herself wholly from within.' -f. scott fitzgerald
im in a more chipper mood also i want to erase my brain is there a chip for that yet?
im in a more chipper mood also i want to erase my brain is there a chip for that yet?
i cant fucking sleep and the more minutes that pass i realize i have a fucking problem
and maybe this problem can be solved with drugs and reading and smoking excessively but maybe it cannot maybe i need to get away like seriously before i do some permanent damage?! i dont trust people and maybe i should. i mean what do i have to lose anyways? we're all going to die! that is the foundation of my very being.
the point is this is getting seriously ridiculous. i just did the weirdest shit i have ever done in all my life and i just want time to fucking hurry up so this guy can wake up and i can drive him to formation and i can smoke and drink coffee and become so delirious from sleep deprivation that nothing makes sense and i feel so good.
I DONT LIKE YOU AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I DO NOT TRUST YOU AND I DONT WANT TO SEE YOU but honestly i am so fucked up in my head that i will continue to drive myself fucking insane oh my god somebody shoot a tranquilizer in the side of my throat please please please i am begging you.
is prostitution illegal in arizona? it is near nevada. maybe i will move to nevada and do it there instead. probably i should talk to somebody before i begin acting on these impulses. it is now 237am i think time just moved backwards.
when i look at pictures that i took during my time in korea i get a weird feeling in my body that shoots up to my brain and makes me almost want to vomit and i can look at a picture and clearly feel that moment replaying in my head and i start panicking because i do not ever want to feel like that again. it feels like being under water and you think it's okay i can just swim to the surface but then you realize THERE IS A FUCKING GLASS ON TOP OF THE WATER and you can pound and kick and waste all the oxygen in your body but you have to wait until your branch manager removes the glass. but by then it is too late. you have permanent brain damage and its for a lot of reasons and maybe it is just best i delete those pictures now rather than later.
it makes me sad to delete a piece of myself but it is for the best anyways. dont you hate it when you look at a photograph of yourself from a particularly unpleasant patch in life and anybody else can see you smiling and even sometimes you think you are smiling but you know better deep down that it is a faker than fake smile. you can just tell you are so uncomfortable like maybe you are underwater and your lungs are so full of water that you are pretty sure you are dead.
holy shit why am i so depressing to myself god damn. its like i start writing with one idea and somehow ended up on another i must have so much pent up anger. 246am.
on tv they are talking about bacon icecream and cupcakes it is making me sick oh god
the point is this is getting seriously ridiculous. i just did the weirdest shit i have ever done in all my life and i just want time to fucking hurry up so this guy can wake up and i can drive him to formation and i can smoke and drink coffee and become so delirious from sleep deprivation that nothing makes sense and i feel so good.
I DONT LIKE YOU AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I DO NOT TRUST YOU AND I DONT WANT TO SEE YOU but honestly i am so fucked up in my head that i will continue to drive myself fucking insane oh my god somebody shoot a tranquilizer in the side of my throat please please please i am begging you.
is prostitution illegal in arizona? it is near nevada. maybe i will move to nevada and do it there instead. probably i should talk to somebody before i begin acting on these impulses. it is now 237am i think time just moved backwards.
when i look at pictures that i took during my time in korea i get a weird feeling in my body that shoots up to my brain and makes me almost want to vomit and i can look at a picture and clearly feel that moment replaying in my head and i start panicking because i do not ever want to feel like that again. it feels like being under water and you think it's okay i can just swim to the surface but then you realize THERE IS A FUCKING GLASS ON TOP OF THE WATER and you can pound and kick and waste all the oxygen in your body but you have to wait until your branch manager removes the glass. but by then it is too late. you have permanent brain damage and its for a lot of reasons and maybe it is just best i delete those pictures now rather than later.
it makes me sad to delete a piece of myself but it is for the best anyways. dont you hate it when you look at a photograph of yourself from a particularly unpleasant patch in life and anybody else can see you smiling and even sometimes you think you are smiling but you know better deep down that it is a faker than fake smile. you can just tell you are so uncomfortable like maybe you are underwater and your lungs are so full of water that you are pretty sure you are dead.
time stamp lies. dont mind me while i scratch out these imaginary worms in my shoulder.
holy shit why am i so depressing to myself god damn. its like i start writing with one idea and somehow ended up on another i must have so much pent up anger. 246am.
on tv they are talking about bacon icecream and cupcakes it is making me sick oh god
Monday, June 28, 2010
bff4l&e143637
i once had a friend .
i once had a friend who slept with gnomes in a red room. i once had a friend who would try on novelty sunglasses with me. i once had a friend who would sit on the third floor of the palace and kiss my cheek when no one was looking. i once had a friend who would pick honeysuckles with me. i once had a friend who apologized in an art class and died two years later. i once had a friend who wrote an essay about who they admire about me. i once had a friend who tried to steal the pants i was wearing. i once had a friend who would lay in driveways with me. i once had a friend who tried to kill me in the backseat of a car. i once had a friend who took me to a bonfire and i drank an entire bottle of vodka and lime soda. i once had a friend who rescued me and slept in a park while i regained consciousness. i once had a friend who noticed i stuffed my bra. i once had a friend i took excessive cough medicine with. i once had a friend who fell in love with me. i once had a friend who would draw on my pant legs. i once had a friend who used me for sex. i once had a friend who rang in the new years with me parked at a redbox dvd stand. i once had a friend who drove three hundred miles to see me. i once had a friend who threw me in the trunk of a car and also tried to run me over. i once had a friend ride a train for nine hundred miles to see me. i once had a friend who looked in my medicine cabinet. i once had a friend sit on a rooftop with me. i once had a friend kick me down some stairs. i once had a friend who got me lost in las vegas. i once had a friend try to drown me. i once had a friend give me a rorschach test. i once had a friend who fucked me in a room with seven other people in it. i once had a friend who gave me a green hat. i once had a friend who loved me so much but i did not like them. i once had a friend who sat in a cemetery with me. i once had a friend who painted a sheet on a wall with me. i once had a friend who tried to rape me. i once had a friend who bought me a dog. i once had a friend push me into a lake. i once had a friend get my name tattooed on their leg. i once had a friend i fought for. i once had a friend who forgot me.
i once had a friend.
today i woke up and had some breakfast and then i dont know what else i did and then we went riding bikes and i tried to take pictures with my phone but the phone is a touch phone so that was relatively fucking difficult then we came home and i was tired but it was hot so then i went swimming and i smoked cigarettes in the hot spa and read kurt vonnegut slaughterhouse five which i really like how he writes thank you jason for recommending him several times and then i came inside and wrote a poem and had leftovers for dinner and then switched the laundry to the dryer and some friends from a few drunken nights ago came and talked to me and then i had a slight pang of sadness for my individual self because i could be having fun but instead im stuck in an apartment watching the same stupid shows over and over and then i stole michaels phone for a couple seconds but then he started looking flustered and i realized he was hiding something duh the idiot was freaking out i would find his porn stash. i already knew he has some in there and ever other little electronic thing he gets hard ons for but it is different when you find it too fucking bad im not an idiot right?
it doesnt even matter really anyways because i know what is in store for me and i know that im not going to waste my life wondering what it is to be free and not worry about someone cheating on you or even worse not fucking you because they prefer watching porn on a motorola droid
also, my internet that i steal because im a derelict keeps going in and out and it is becoming annoying i wish whoever im stealing internet from would fix it! none of this matters anyways because tomorrow im getting so fucking faded and maybe ill run into a tree and catch amnesia man i wish.
i once had a friend who slept with gnomes in a red room. i once had a friend who would try on novelty sunglasses with me. i once had a friend who would sit on the third floor of the palace and kiss my cheek when no one was looking. i once had a friend who would pick honeysuckles with me. i once had a friend who apologized in an art class and died two years later. i once had a friend who wrote an essay about who they admire about me. i once had a friend who tried to steal the pants i was wearing. i once had a friend who would lay in driveways with me. i once had a friend who tried to kill me in the backseat of a car. i once had a friend who took me to a bonfire and i drank an entire bottle of vodka and lime soda. i once had a friend who rescued me and slept in a park while i regained consciousness. i once had a friend who noticed i stuffed my bra. i once had a friend i took excessive cough medicine with. i once had a friend who fell in love with me. i once had a friend who would draw on my pant legs. i once had a friend who used me for sex. i once had a friend who rang in the new years with me parked at a redbox dvd stand. i once had a friend who drove three hundred miles to see me. i once had a friend who threw me in the trunk of a car and also tried to run me over. i once had a friend ride a train for nine hundred miles to see me. i once had a friend who looked in my medicine cabinet. i once had a friend sit on a rooftop with me. i once had a friend kick me down some stairs. i once had a friend who got me lost in las vegas. i once had a friend try to drown me. i once had a friend give me a rorschach test. i once had a friend who fucked me in a room with seven other people in it. i once had a friend who gave me a green hat. i once had a friend who loved me so much but i did not like them. i once had a friend who sat in a cemetery with me. i once had a friend who painted a sheet on a wall with me. i once had a friend who tried to rape me. i once had a friend who bought me a dog. i once had a friend push me into a lake. i once had a friend get my name tattooed on their leg. i once had a friend i fought for. i once had a friend who forgot me.
i once had a friend.
in a perfect world i am stuck in a place where shit looks like its melting and there are clocks everywhere!
it doesnt even matter really anyways because i know what is in store for me and i know that im not going to waste my life wondering what it is to be free and not worry about someone cheating on you or even worse not fucking you because they prefer watching porn on a motorola droid
black hole of truth! oh no! its sucking up a liar!
also, my internet that i steal because im a derelict keeps going in and out and it is becoming annoying i wish whoever im stealing internet from would fix it! none of this matters anyways because tomorrow im getting so fucking faded and maybe ill run into a tree and catch amnesia man i wish.
if i leave here tomorrow
would you still remember me
for i must be traveling on now
cus theres too many places ive got to see
but if i stayed here with you girl
things just couldnt be the same cus im as free as a bird now
and this bird you cannot change
Saturday, June 26, 2010
high school wet dreams!
basically in high school i used to be a very annoying angsty girl because i dated this guy who was named chris and chris had a little problem. chris' little problem was that he was a compulsive liar. and he was always trying to get one up on me and that affected me a lot that and i was a little hormonal bitch. all of that was like a wet dream for my creative lit teacher. i do not think he liked me a lot like he gave me shit when i told him i was joining the army. i swear that guy was on drugs it was so awesome because he would play crazy tribal music and make us watch some trippy cartoons and basically all we did was write poems. and my best friend was in the class with me and so were the guys i pretty much loved. until nick did something stupid and i think he got kicked out of the class. he was so gorgeous but fucking insane. he called me one day when i was waiting in the car at the mall and was crying and saying he could not take it anymore and cutting his wrists and he wanted to see me and he kept singing that song 'mad world' from donnie darko.
i find it kind of funny i find it kind of sad the dreams in which im dying are the best ive ever had
the madman waits for people to accept his insanity
and buys orbit gum
the madman wants to implode the world
and takes nothing for granted; it wont last long
the madman waits for a chance to dance
and buys white dresses to take showers in
the madman wants to slash away the memories
and takes his life while youre on the phone with him
the madman waits until everybody is sleeping
and buys plastic rings
the madman wants to choke himself with satin ribbons
takes it all to the heart
the madman waits by the phone every night on a line that has been disconnected- nobody is going to call
and buys narcotics and liquor to ignore the past
the madman wants to forget what life was like
and takes a knife to life and bleeds away the regret
yeah see what i mean CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER SIXTEEN YEAR OLD ESTHER hahaha it is weird because some of these things are a little more significant now than they were in 2004 like i knew i guy i met in iraq he was a pretty good friend while i was deployed and we kisses a couple of times he returned to the states before i did and there was a big party when they returned to ft hood. apparently they were all drunk and he was on the phone with his wife and she was telling him to come home it was late and his friend was fucking with him and holding a gun to his face telling him to get off and the guy pulled the trigger i guess forgetting the safety was on or there was a clip in the gun and blew his face off while he was on the phone with his fucking wife.
last thing i heard about the case was that the guy was awol and he had dipped out.
people are so fucking stupid sometimes no all the times.
i find it kind of funny i find it kind of sad the dreams in which im dying are the best ive ever had
the madman waits for people to accept his insanity
and buys orbit gum
the madman wants to implode the world
and takes nothing for granted; it wont last long
the madman waits for a chance to dance
and buys white dresses to take showers in
the madman wants to slash away the memories
and takes his life while youre on the phone with him
the madman waits until everybody is sleeping
and buys plastic rings
the madman wants to choke himself with satin ribbons
takes it all to the heart
the madman waits by the phone every night on a line that has been disconnected- nobody is going to call
and buys narcotics and liquor to ignore the past
the madman wants to forget what life was like
and takes a knife to life and bleeds away the regret
oxytocin enhancers!
last thing i heard about the case was that the guy was awol and he had dipped out.
people are so fucking stupid sometimes no all the times.
a transference of energy
sleep is the most amazing thing i will ever do in my life. if i added up every impressive moment of my life it would still not amount to the satisfaction of falling instantly asleep and being asleep and waking up from sleep. that last part is not always necessarily good. i fucking love sleeping.
i told myself at the beginning of this year i would read a minimum of four books not because i dont like to read but because i was surrounded by such big fucking idiots for the past year that maybe i had lost a lot of brain cells in korea and probably four books would be like my shower after a rape. but i have only read two and that makes me sad. i read bang bang by chelsea handler and that barely counts as a book more like a very long magazine with less pictures and i read the motorcycle diaries by che guevara that was a gift from jason. it came in a box with candy canes and a plastic dinosaur and some beets and some other stuff. it was basically the coolest gift box i have ever received in the mail.
one time when i was in iraq my mom sent me a care package because she loves me like that. i loved getting her boxes because it's the best feeling remembering someone still misses you. and she always threw stuff she knew i liked in there. she knew i liked chili beans so she threw them in a box, along with some pens eyeliner and jerky and pictures and then it arrives a week later. right before the battle update brief was about to start i had just gone to get my box and i opened it before i was going to dip out and like before i even opened it i thought maybe it smelled bad like a raccoon died on it. so i still opened it and it smelled so fucking bad and the marine dude next to me was like whoa what the hell is that. i ran out of the room with this gross box and it took me about 3 minutes to realize she had put in a can of chili but the damn thing had busted open. son of a bitch. i ended up only keeping the photos because they were in a plastic baggy and the vultures took the jerky and shit.
i love my mom she is the ultimate best mom ever.
i am so lazy. i was supposed to go to walmart to waste money on some shit and i have not because duh i am lazy. MIGHT AS WELL LIE DOWN IN A HOLE AND WAIT FOR EROSION TO BURY ME ALIVE.
jason drew me this because i was like draw me something and out of the kindness of his heart HE DID i have been trying to figure out what it is for a while i think i see a flag and a rabbit and a window. i wish i owned a museum.
its is 711 pm and no errands have been done maybe i will seduce myself to do it by enticing myself with a cigarette. i am so clever.
i told myself at the beginning of this year i would read a minimum of four books not because i dont like to read but because i was surrounded by such big fucking idiots for the past year that maybe i had lost a lot of brain cells in korea and probably four books would be like my shower after a rape. but i have only read two and that makes me sad. i read bang bang by chelsea handler and that barely counts as a book more like a very long magazine with less pictures and i read the motorcycle diaries by che guevara that was a gift from jason. it came in a box with candy canes and a plastic dinosaur and some beets and some other stuff. it was basically the coolest gift box i have ever received in the mail.
one time when i was in iraq my mom sent me a care package because she loves me like that. i loved getting her boxes because it's the best feeling remembering someone still misses you. and she always threw stuff she knew i liked in there. she knew i liked chili beans so she threw them in a box, along with some pens eyeliner and jerky and pictures and then it arrives a week later. right before the battle update brief was about to start i had just gone to get my box and i opened it before i was going to dip out and like before i even opened it i thought maybe it smelled bad like a raccoon died on it. so i still opened it and it smelled so fucking bad and the marine dude next to me was like whoa what the hell is that. i ran out of the room with this gross box and it took me about 3 minutes to realize she had put in a can of chili but the damn thing had busted open. son of a bitch. i ended up only keeping the photos because they were in a plastic baggy and the vultures took the jerky and shit.
i love my mom she is the ultimate best mom ever.
i am so lazy. i was supposed to go to walmart to waste money on some shit and i have not because duh i am lazy. MIGHT AS WELL LIE DOWN IN A HOLE AND WAIT FOR EROSION TO BURY ME ALIVE.
its is 711 pm and no errands have been done maybe i will seduce myself to do it by enticing myself with a cigarette. i am so clever.
Friday, June 25, 2010
everything is blue now. except you. you give me hope.
every day i think about the book i want to write but i dont think my hands can keep up with my brain. i think one day i will go acquire some ambien and trip on it and then begin writing because i write the best stuff on ambien.
while i've been driving a lot this week due to some idiot kid face smashed into michaels truck and he still has no tags so i have been driving him everywhere anyways i have been thinking about things i dont like. there are a lot of little white butterflies here and they like to commit suicide on my grill while i am speeding down the back roads and it makes me feel guilty.
i dont like people who are easily offended by bad words. i think the more people cuss the funnier the conversation is. i was driving to the smoke shop this morning and i was in a brilliant good mood for some reason, i even waved at the veteran bum on the sidewalk anyways i was looking for parking and some stupid bitch was taking up half the street as i made my left turn and i even slowed down thinking maybe this skank will move the fuck over and stop thinking the world revolves around her but no. instead you know what she did? she started blaring her horn at me as i drove past her window and for like one second i thought about slamming the breaks and getting out and grabbing her by her ugly curly hair but instead i yelled hi! into her window because fuck her. i was having a good morning and she can suck the left one.
i told brandon to write me a haiku because he writes some of the most prolific shit ever and he did this is it
cold light, eyes frozen
while i've been driving a lot this week due to some idiot kid face smashed into michaels truck and he still has no tags so i have been driving him everywhere anyways i have been thinking about things i dont like. there are a lot of little white butterflies here and they like to commit suicide on my grill while i am speeding down the back roads and it makes me feel guilty.
i dont like people who are easily offended by bad words. i think the more people cuss the funnier the conversation is. i was driving to the smoke shop this morning and i was in a brilliant good mood for some reason, i even waved at the veteran bum on the sidewalk anyways i was looking for parking and some stupid bitch was taking up half the street as i made my left turn and i even slowed down thinking maybe this skank will move the fuck over and stop thinking the world revolves around her but no. instead you know what she did? she started blaring her horn at me as i drove past her window and for like one second i thought about slamming the breaks and getting out and grabbing her by her ugly curly hair but instead i yelled hi! into her window because fuck her. i was having a good morning and she can suck the left one.
i told brandon to write me a haiku because he writes some of the most prolific shit ever and he did this is it
cold light, eyes frozen
her distant song teases warmth
microwaved robot
is that not greatest? if i ever write that book i am totally putting that somewhere in there.
i wonder what it feels like to drown!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
get it right get it tight
i'm totally listening to some crucial conflict right now if i was any gangsterer id be tookie.
guess what im doing later? im going for another painful bike ride! its going to hurt! i have been seriously slacking in the workout department. i smoked half a pack of cigarettes yesterday just from driving around looking for a fucking chinese restaurant it must be a holiday or something because all of them were closed like nobody wants asian food on mondays? then wasted time looking for a damn pawn shop and didn't find many of those. these people make my life difficult sometimes.
i did something stupid last night/this morning. that which is going to sleep at fucking 4 am knowing id have to wake up at 6 and then i was retarded and bought a redbull so i wouldnt crash while driving. im so tired right now but i need to do some type of work out. i think im going to teach myself how to do pulls ups, too. we'll see about that.
i'm watching some thing on E! about plastic surgeries and it's so hideous! i think some aesthetic surgery would be pretty awesome. if i had a lot of money and no bills and nothing to do i would so do it and then id also probably be the biggest coke whore, too. my life would be so awesome! there's a ton of shit i want to do, actually. if anyone is deciding to turn to a moses type lifestyle, i am willing to take your money.
guess what im doing later? im going for another painful bike ride! its going to hurt! i have been seriously slacking in the workout department. i smoked half a pack of cigarettes yesterday just from driving around looking for a fucking chinese restaurant it must be a holiday or something because all of them were closed like nobody wants asian food on mondays? then wasted time looking for a damn pawn shop and didn't find many of those. these people make my life difficult sometimes.
i did something stupid last night/this morning. that which is going to sleep at fucking 4 am knowing id have to wake up at 6 and then i was retarded and bought a redbull so i wouldnt crash while driving. im so tired right now but i need to do some type of work out. i think im going to teach myself how to do pulls ups, too. we'll see about that.
i'm watching some thing on E! about plastic surgeries and it's so hideous! i think some aesthetic surgery would be pretty awesome. if i had a lot of money and no bills and nothing to do i would so do it and then id also probably be the biggest coke whore, too. my life would be so awesome! there's a ton of shit i want to do, actually. if anyone is deciding to turn to a moses type lifestyle, i am willing to take your money.
one second the chips were in my hand and the next they were in the air and then the next second, on the floor being stomped on.
i just had a stupid idea to google myself and it came up with a bunch of shit from when i was younger and i was slightly dumber than i am now. i used to be really annoying and i used to type in a way that really annoys me now isnt that weird how sometimes you get really fucking sick of yourself and it manifests in a change of identity? that is what happened to me. i literally became disgusted by the way i dressed, talked, behaved and i'm constantly reinventing myself until i settle into a character i like. i have been slacking in that department lately. i hate the idea of a blog because it chronicles all my bane life junctures. and then every ten years i will google myself and ill have a blog to write in about how i used to be so annoying ten years ago. i use to have like five past blogs. the last one i used last right before i went to basic training. i wish there was a way i could push an internet button and delete my internet footprint.
maybe one day i will transition to drinking black coffee and start wearing my blocky glasses again and begin writing all these things that nobody reads in a composition notebook and then i will have a library with a bunch of untitled notebooks like kevin spacey in se7en. maybe.
but i kinda like the idea of blogging (OBVIOUSLY.) because i am so in love with myself and i think everyone else should be, too and i feel sorry for the people who don't know me because i am just so fucking awesome. self affirmation is the greatest!
i used to be pretty adorable. and i was not a thug haha
maybe one day i will transition to drinking black coffee and start wearing my blocky glasses again and begin writing all these things that nobody reads in a composition notebook and then i will have a library with a bunch of untitled notebooks like kevin spacey in se7en. maybe.
but i kinda like the idea of blogging (OBVIOUSLY.) because i am so in love with myself and i think everyone else should be, too and i feel sorry for the people who don't know me because i am just so fucking awesome. self affirmation is the greatest!
Monday, June 21, 2010
im so excited i think my insides are going to explode and pink confetti is going to spray out of my arteries and shit.
i think someone is stalking me and they are the ones who coordinate concerts and stuff. rise against announced their last concert of 2010 and it's going to be in california, not in bumfuck wisconsin or some state that's not CA or AZ. it does not stop there though they are performing in a two day concert, along with motherfucking eminem and i almost had a stroke. it's going to run me about 150 a pop for the 2 day pass and then i have to find out how i'm getting there and where i'm staying. it's only about two hours from scv, so theoretically i could justt do the drive to the parent's home and save on the hotels. yeah, that's what i'll do!
michael announced that if we do the concert in september, i will not be getting the olympus PEN camera that i want so badly so i may throw a tantrum about that.
a lot of shit happened the past few days or so. but i don't have the energy to write it down.
i need to go invest in a piece though. may happen tomorrow.
i have like 3 pages of songs i need to download. i wish i wasn't the one who had to do it but i am so anal about my music that i would have to do it.
get naked you strange whore!
michael announced that if we do the concert in september, i will not be getting the olympus PEN camera that i want so badly so i may throw a tantrum about that.
a lot of shit happened the past few days or so. but i don't have the energy to write it down.
i need to go invest in a piece though. may happen tomorrow.
i have like 3 pages of songs i need to download. i wish i wasn't the one who had to do it but i am so anal about my music that i would have to do it.
get naked you strange whore!
Friday, June 18, 2010
i know it would end terribly, but please, run away with me, real slim shady.
yeah, yeah. not his old stuff and he's no longer blonde! but seriously, eminem. you're always going to be a tumor in my little old heart.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
karma.
and not the brilliant song by radiohead.
this morning was brought to me by the letter Y and some asian female who knocked on our door at around 10 am, which michael answered. apparently, someone had busted out his left rear taillight.
but a little back story here, please.
in the past, while, michael has had his ipod, 500gb external hd, socks, koolaid and some expensive speakers stolen from airport security. he has frequent heartburn which came to him suddenly, he has had an issue with getting his drivers license (due to an issue from 2 years ago) reissued for the past 2 months. he has paid the fee at least twice, both times "lost", the bike he bought yesterday- the back tire blew out on our first ride. the front tire died a few minutes ago. after a year of being in storage, we busted out our surround sound system, hooked up to the apartment for about half a day and then a surge protector fell on it while he was wiring something and broke a fuse? either way, the expensive system was thrown out. he is perpetually cutting himself while cooking, knocking his head on everything, every once in a while a cup will break while he's washing dishes; ive never met someone who has spilled so many drinks or meals; broke his heel jumping a fence; i could go on but i wont.
these all might seem like random occurrences that happen to anyone, 'coincidences' if you will.
but to someone like me who heavily believes in 'karma', 'you get what you deserve in life' and other phrases, this sounds to me like someone who should seriously reconsider the way they lead their lives.
i don't mean to speak ill of him in this situation, i brought it to his attention earlier while we were swimming that he has a charge of negative karma in his life which could be due to a few different things and i didn't expect him to believe it (he is a "devout Christian") or even divulge anything to me, but in the case of the taillight, maybe it is life's way of telling him to stop thinking in his head so much about how he wants an import car, or being jealous of what others have. kinda like 'the mind poisons the soul' mumbo jumbo.
anyways, he talked about his approach to how he will deal with it, he may begin going to church on sundays.
i figured that would be his escape from his new found curse. people have a funny way of searching for The Lord whenever they encounter hardships in life. not knocking on em, all the power to you if you feel it is your calling. but maybe, if that's your resort, you should elect to stay near The Lord through thick and thin; one day might be too late.
oh, and i asked the little old neighbors that are always sitting outside their door if they saw or heard anything, they're always out there!
they had- at around 2 am, the man said he heard some kids skating around making a lot of noise. he went outside to check and two kids were skating away.
anyways, off for a ride!
peace.
this morning was brought to me by the letter Y and some asian female who knocked on our door at around 10 am, which michael answered. apparently, someone had busted out his left rear taillight.
but a little back story here, please.
in the past, while, michael has had his ipod, 500gb external hd, socks, koolaid and some expensive speakers stolen from airport security. he has frequent heartburn which came to him suddenly, he has had an issue with getting his drivers license (due to an issue from 2 years ago) reissued for the past 2 months. he has paid the fee at least twice, both times "lost", the bike he bought yesterday- the back tire blew out on our first ride. the front tire died a few minutes ago. after a year of being in storage, we busted out our surround sound system, hooked up to the apartment for about half a day and then a surge protector fell on it while he was wiring something and broke a fuse? either way, the expensive system was thrown out. he is perpetually cutting himself while cooking, knocking his head on everything, every once in a while a cup will break while he's washing dishes; ive never met someone who has spilled so many drinks or meals; broke his heel jumping a fence; i could go on but i wont.
these all might seem like random occurrences that happen to anyone, 'coincidences' if you will.
but to someone like me who heavily believes in 'karma', 'you get what you deserve in life' and other phrases, this sounds to me like someone who should seriously reconsider the way they lead their lives.
i don't mean to speak ill of him in this situation, i brought it to his attention earlier while we were swimming that he has a charge of negative karma in his life which could be due to a few different things and i didn't expect him to believe it (he is a "devout Christian") or even divulge anything to me, but in the case of the taillight, maybe it is life's way of telling him to stop thinking in his head so much about how he wants an import car, or being jealous of what others have. kinda like 'the mind poisons the soul' mumbo jumbo.
anyways, he talked about his approach to how he will deal with it, he may begin going to church on sundays.
i figured that would be his escape from his new found curse. people have a funny way of searching for The Lord whenever they encounter hardships in life. not knocking on em, all the power to you if you feel it is your calling. but maybe, if that's your resort, you should elect to stay near The Lord through thick and thin; one day might be too late.
oh, and i asked the little old neighbors that are always sitting outside their door if they saw or heard anything, they're always out there!
they had- at around 2 am, the man said he heard some kids skating around making a lot of noise. he went outside to check and two kids were skating away.
anyways, off for a ride!
peace.
i know we got it good, but they got it made, and their grass is getting greener each day...
i know things are looking up, but soon they'll take us down, before anybody's knowing our name.
i'm really annoyed with all the call-to-connect-with-whore-operators dating phone numbers.
it only reminds me of how the human race is sofuckingretarded.
mega tired right now, about to fall on my floor and take a nap. at midnight-thirty.
quick update:
1. got a new bike today; relearned how to ride a bike, still dont have it all the way down.
i've acquired bruises in odd places.
2. i've been reading up on more baking stuff. more people need to live near me so i can give my talent away. michael is not eating it as quickly as i hoped :(
3. i saw that stupid bitch i was deployed with, today. at the mall, talking to some old man. i wont say much about her, aside from she really let herself go.
4. i need sleep. tomorrows plans are a long bike trip to the park and i may attempt to work out there.
gnight cherry blossom.
i'm really annoyed with all the call-to-connect-with-whore-operators dating phone numbers.
it only reminds me of how the human race is sofuckingretarded.
mega tired right now, about to fall on my floor and take a nap. at midnight-thirty.
quick update:
1. got a new bike today; relearned how to ride a bike, still dont have it all the way down.
i've acquired bruises in odd places.
2. i've been reading up on more baking stuff. more people need to live near me so i can give my talent away. michael is not eating it as quickly as i hoped :(
3. i saw that stupid bitch i was deployed with, today. at the mall, talking to some old man. i wont say much about her, aside from she really let herself go.
4. i need sleep. tomorrows plans are a long bike trip to the park and i may attempt to work out there.
gnight cherry blossom.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
on the other side.
whoa, update. from the united states! in arizona! many things have happened since i last wrote on this thing.
1. i am no longer part of active duty army.
i. this is a blessing.
ii. i currently am unemployed and not exactly looking. but i will be actively looking in the next couple weeks.
iii. i worry i will continue to stress about this being a good/bad decision. i will not say i haven't worried about missing the social benefits of being in the army. i enjoyed working and meeting so many new people every year. it is a true shame that the imbeciles i had to work with in korea left such a sour taste in my mouth. i do believe i could have had a promising career in the military but, at the same time, the sheltered and easy lifestyle that comes with being in the army would have prevented (for lack of a better word) me from actually accelerating the career. it's easy to sit on the rank you have (it's the only thing you've known up to that point!). without a degree, i would be stuck with the shitbags of the army. so in case anyone was wondering, i miss the organized and structured ways of the army. i didn't have to worry about getting a state drivers license, resumes, money, lawsuits...
on the flipside, i love my newfound freedom. i can workout when i want, go to sleep/wake up when i want. i can tell whomever i want to fuck off, i feel an overall relief of stress and peaceful.
all in all, i am happy i'm no longer in.
2. live in arizona. it's stupid hot and very dry. i've been forcing myself to adapt to it since i will be here a while.
all i have been up to lately is swimming and tanning. acquiring things to learn how to bake. (made an apple pie, burned crust.) successful white chocolate-pistachio pie. obsessively compulsively washing my hands. becoming addicted to CSI las vegas, deleting korea from my memory, be on hold on the phone way too much.
i dyed my hair a few times since i got back. it was originally supposed to be black and red. did not work, so i tried black and pink. semi worked but now it's just black and strawberry-blonde. i kinda like it so it may stick around.
i'm a bit tired now, so i'll wrap this up and write more when i got something interesting to say.
cheers.
1. i am no longer part of active duty army.
i. this is a blessing.
ii. i currently am unemployed and not exactly looking. but i will be actively looking in the next couple weeks.
iii. i worry i will continue to stress about this being a good/bad decision. i will not say i haven't worried about missing the social benefits of being in the army. i enjoyed working and meeting so many new people every year. it is a true shame that the imbeciles i had to work with in korea left such a sour taste in my mouth. i do believe i could have had a promising career in the military but, at the same time, the sheltered and easy lifestyle that comes with being in the army would have prevented (for lack of a better word) me from actually accelerating the career. it's easy to sit on the rank you have (it's the only thing you've known up to that point!). without a degree, i would be stuck with the shitbags of the army. so in case anyone was wondering, i miss the organized and structured ways of the army. i didn't have to worry about getting a state drivers license, resumes, money, lawsuits...
on the flipside, i love my newfound freedom. i can workout when i want, go to sleep/wake up when i want. i can tell whomever i want to fuck off, i feel an overall relief of stress and peaceful.
all in all, i am happy i'm no longer in.
2. live in arizona. it's stupid hot and very dry. i've been forcing myself to adapt to it since i will be here a while.
all i have been up to lately is swimming and tanning. acquiring things to learn how to bake. (made an apple pie, burned crust.) successful white chocolate-pistachio pie. obsessively compulsively washing my hands. becoming addicted to CSI las vegas, deleting korea from my memory, be on hold on the phone way too much.
i dyed my hair a few times since i got back. it was originally supposed to be black and red. did not work, so i tried black and pink. semi worked but now it's just black and strawberry-blonde. i kinda like it so it may stick around.
i'm a bit tired now, so i'll wrap this up and write more when i got something interesting to say.
cheers.
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