a test of myself.

so i started working out earlier this month. this is week three. whereas ultimately i want to "lose weight", it's a lot more than that. i've always heard people say that working out and eating healthy is amazing. you lose weight (duh), feel more energy, sleep better, skin looks healthier, blahblah. i want to test it out. obviously i'm not doing it to prove it wrong and turn around and eat some spaghetti-os. whatever i do here now, i plan on keeping it for the rest of my life. just less obsessively. i'm still trying to get the hang of it. even though ive read just about everything there is to "weight loss", some things you read so often they lose their meaning. "drink more water". no shit. i ONLY drink water (and coffee) the only way i could drink more water is if i hooked myself to an IV 24/7. but somehow i cannot seem to "drink more water". it's a science- i understand that. consume less calories/fat, burn more through exercise. 

the first two weeks were 40 mins total of cardio and about 45mins of different machines, targeting different areas. that got me sore everyday and ready for the next 2 weeks of straight cardio everyday. 30 mins elliptical/bike/etc, 30 mins interval running on the treadmill. 

as far as food goes, i've been eating some kind of breakfast daily, snacks throughout the day and lunch and a small dinner. i try to incorporate as much black beans and spinach into everything because for some reason those are the two things i know will never lead me astray. i'm desperately trying to make sure i dont eat anything past 730/8 at the latest. last night i failed at that and felt miserable.

so thats whats up. what i have to show for it? nothing so far. haven't lost a single pound. in fact, i've fluctuated but only up. 

i am constantly tired/exhausted. my skin hasn't changed much. though, this does force me to wash my face of makeup in the afternoon so i don't sleep with makeup on. i sleep hard, wake up during the night a bunch cus i have to piss and i wake up tired every morning. i have the same level of energy as always. and the only difference is now i have 2 hours less in my day to do anything and i'm doing laundry every other day. 

so... here we are. am i frustrated? fuck yes.

am i worried that i wont lose a pound even if i do this for a year? yes.

honestly... i have no fucking clue when i'll see any kind of result but i'm getting impatient. the only thing that keeps me going is that theres a possibility that ill see results "next week" and if i stop now, ill want to start again in a few weeks and think about how far i could've been if i stuck it out now.

also it doesnt help having a husband who eats like a fat ass 24/7. that part is one of the most frustrating things ever. i was a size 3 jeans when i met him. fucks sake.

immune system? whats that?

IM SICK!
im pretty sure going to the gym today will be about 75% worse than going to the gym any other day. sadness ensues.

a little feminist in the morning.

The following day, I attended a workshop about preventing gender violence, facilitated by Katz. There, he posed a question to all of the men in the room: “Men, what things do you do to protect yourself from being raped or sexually assaulted?”

Not one man, including myself, could quickly answer the question. Finally, one man raised his hand and said, “Nothing.” Then Katz asked the women, “What things do you do to protect yourself from being raped or sexually assaulted?” Nearly all of the women in the room raised their hand. One by one, each woman testified:

“I don’t make eye contact with men when I walk down the street,” said one.
“I don’t put my drink down at parties,” said another.
“I use the buddy system when I go to parties.”
“I cross the street when I see a group of guys walking in my direction.”
“I use my keys as a potential weapon.”

The women went on for several minutes, until their side of the blackboard was completely filled with responses. The men’s side of the blackboard was blank. I was stunned. I had never heard a group of women say these things before. I thought about all of the women in my life—including my mother, sister and girlfriend—and realized that I had a lot to learn about gender. —  Why I Am A Male Feminist.