if i cant have you i dont want nobody baby

apparently my neighbors think they are worthy of my presence and shit because they are always trying to get us to come out and drink but too bad i hate drinking i like being drunk just not the drinking part you know what i like? i like fucking smoking. i love the part where i light up the cigarette and then midway through my smoke i regret lighting up another one. 

getting burritocitoschiquitos

anyways they were all out there by the pool and were telling us to come join and shit. unless i am getting ambien there is no need for me to be by those derelicts. so anyways i am super tired right now what did i do today i went swimming earlier and talked to the convict for a little while. bought a new purse and some other stuff because i needed some shopping therapy it is like money literally burns a hole in my pocket i have a disease. hit up the sports store and got a nerf whistling football and frisbee and had a blast at the park. i apparently am scared of everything that flies and could not catch anything. so instead i insisted on taking pictures.

my feet can pick beautiful flowers.

inside my beautiful car.

man i am really really tired. tomorrow is sunday which means the next day i have to go back to work. do you know how happy that makes me? kelvin happy.

oh and i guess today i woke up and smelled the coffee not literally because i did not make any coffee (unfortunately) but i guess the rolling stones were right you cant always get what you want. it's a lonely world and there is no point in getting effervescent hopes up for an escape. we dig our own holes and it is only fair if we fucking lie in them too. good night cherry blossom.

what about audrey hepburn?

i notice a trend that i had been following the past year and a half or so. after i got married, i nested like every other stupid girl who gets married and nests. this involves decorating the home even if that home is a box girls want to make it look like something out of a magazine. i also bought a shit ton of frames and took a shit ton of shitty pictures to put in the frames. thats what girls do when they nest. they take lots of pictures with their new spouse (these later will be a cause of misery when you split up and you're stuck with twenty frames of happier times.) girls will also buy lots of movies that they share with new spouse so that when other newlyweds come over for wine and a movie they can all talk about how many movies they have and their favorites. like the photographs in the frames, the movies will be a miserable topic. the movies will be divided "fairly".
sometimes these girls and guys will invest in a pet maybe in place of a kid? something they can both be responsible over. these couple will move several times in the first few years, because that's what we do. we're still young enough to be irresponsible and spontaneous and if we weren't we would just bitch and complain that this life is boring and what happened to the days where we weren't nailed down to a place to live? we also buy groceries and cook for each other. we buy coasters for our coffee tables and lots of candles. 
that is what we do and it robs your soul. it steals your personality. and you should avoid it at all costs. i do not know why the institution of marriage is so alluring to people but it is. they think that is the only way you can be happy with someone- the ultimate level of happiness. dating for ten years is not enough, we need more. we need to know you have to go through months of divorce and paperwork and money and trauma if we want to leave our relationships. thats how we know we care. and we will not be satisfied until we do that.
it's also a venomous virus. once you have experienced the desire to be with someone forever you cannot even imagine not having someone forever. that is, until you become jaded. so fatigued by the game that you know you will never go through that again. and maybe you wont. until that person that completely wipes your memory away comes along. 


whoah that was fucking deep it probably reads like shit though. there is a flash flood warning in sv today. i kind of want a peanut butter honey and banana sandwich now.

like you care

my brain is in ultra reflective mode today. i think on most days my brain does not think for at least a couple seconds or minutes but today was not one of those day. i think i probably have been thinking several different thoughts because i am a multi-tasker. i woke up from bad dreams this morning. also people that tell you about their dreams are fucking boring. that shit is interesting to them only. that is except for my dreams that are about flesh eating viruses n shit. no last nights dream was not a virus. it was your typical 'i am a paranoid jealous bitch' kind of dream. i woke up all pissed off and shit. i do not know why i let things like this bother me. 
i had a load of ideas of things to write about but i thought i would remember it to write about it but no instead i forgot. 
you know what i want to do? i have wanted to start a fucking cult for years. i have recruited many willing participants but they are all gay and have not risen up. i do not know what kind of cult it would be or what it would be called or where we would locate. charlie manson used to be cool to me and i kind of like their theme. helter skelter? that shit even sounds cool and i mean, i love the beatles more than anyone else i personally know. there was a time in my life when i used to say shit like "what would charles manson do?" and "well, manson wasnt really THAT bad of a guy". i am digressing. either way i want to be bonnie. 
i truly have nothing interesting to say. i had to go buy another stupid phone charger because i left mine at work and was too lazy to drive back and get it. 
oh i think dan is inviting me to go drink at his apartment too bad i am so retarded tired right now i will probably sleep through the entire weekend. having a real job is exhausting!
it pleases me to know i have few friends. but those few friends are probably the greatest friends anybody on this world will ever dream to have 

this is what i do at work 

ich liebe Dich

goodbye blue monday.

so last night i got rejected by my husband for some end of day sex. got rejected the night before too and basically every other night for the past couple days? weeks? i don't know. now i kind of know it's not because i'm ugly. even ugly people get laid more often than i do and if i really was desperate i could just walk up to any of these pool creepers and get off on them. but not so much. i figure this douchebag is wanking off whenever i'm at work or working out to some classy porn and i probably sound like peg from 'married with children' god i hate my life. i just told him i'm so horny i am about to start grinding on walls or be like chelsea handler and go find a swingset and jill off on the poles. FUCKING SERIOUSLY?
i am back at work now. mason is tweaking out because he gets to leave in a couple hours. i actually almost dont even care to go home anymore. i can do the same thing here as i do there except i can't watch csi at work. oh and i dont have a guy playing on his phone/xbox/laptop/psp next to me probably downloading tomorrows afternoon delight. fuck my life. do i sound bitter because i should. 

i got my hair done last night it took forever but it kind of looks like what i originally wanted so this is a good thing. i have not gotten around to taking any real pictures of it but here is one i snapped this morning after i once again tried to curl my stupid hair. it does not really show the changes and thats because its fucking subtle.

this is what it used to look like when i was going for a 'professional' look

well i have to get back to ignoring my sorry excuse for a personal life and not sobbing about it on some blog that nobody reads. maybe i will write a haiku.

a desire to find.

i am listening to some ghostface killah at work. i have been working on some step by step user manuals all day and would do some things i am not proud of for a monster right now. hopefully i am getting my hair done today and that pleases me greatly. i thought today was kind of going to suck given how tired i was but nope the bomb man kind of cheered me up i am lame like that. oh now i am listening to kanye wests 'all falls down' which makes me think of high school the summer when i read almost all of the harry potter books 
i have a friend that i met in my army days who never ceases to amaze me. he got out of the army a year before i did and he wants to go back in but so help me god if he does. ill shave my hair off or something.


i have nothing interesting to say right now actually. i should get back to work. 

rainbow street and moonglow road.

dear sierra vista arizona,


i do not like your passe dirt road sorry excuse for a city. i also can not stand all these paranormal creepers that walk around in dirty wife beaters and ripped up pants. you are the epitome of a trailer trash town. one of neighbors bummed a smoke off me a couple nights ago and she is definitely five months preggers but i still gave it to her 1) because i believe in free will and 2) because i know youre white trash ass will never be any more than white trash and because your likely bastard child will also be brought into this world as white trash with a built in meth and cigarette addiction so i only contributed to the inevitable. sierra vista, you are an awful place and it is not because of your disgusting monsoon season which spans 65 percent of the year or because it is usually between 88 and 100 degrees year round. that is not the only reason why it is also because the worst drivers in america and possibly the earth inhabit your roads. they have the most acid corroded paint jobs i have ever seen and they also are covered in stupid bumper stickers and gay 'fairy' stickers probably purchased from hot topic circa 1999 when it was cool to be a gay anime fairy and shit (fact: that was never cool.) your drivers, sierra vista, enjoy waiting until the last second to pull out onto a street and cut my new honda off and make me either have to slam on the brakes or swerve into another lane to cut you off and make you slam on your non working brakes. your walmart is also sub par which is surprising to me because i always believed trailer trash douchebags loved walmarts but i guess i was wrong i stand corrected. 


sierra vista you are the bane of my existence.


i was going to get my hair done today but of course sv's poor excuse for a mall closes at like seven pm so they did not want to take such an incredulous dye job like the simple one i was asking for at six pm. 


want to cry right now. but i wont. i am just going to sit here and pout and blog about it.

IS IT SAFE TO COME OUT NOW?

i am formally convinced nobody knows i work here. i am basically like that fat guy with the glasses from office space and they are already threatening to take away my stapler but they better be coming with some tanks because that is the only way they will pry my secret-classified stapler from my cold dead fingers.


oh i was successful in drinking 60 ounces of fucking water today so celebration! i am planning on doing a two mile run today, so kudos (wtf is a kudo) to trying to go back to a normal pants size again. oh yeah i told danny i want to try out the p90x workout. mason and i talked about it at work today and he said three weeks into it and he was toned up let alone the full twelve weeks? BRING IT ON i am just kidding i know i am about to be crushed by a fucking dvd. anyways danny said he will mail it out to me so i will probably attempt to tackle this in september. STAY TUNED.


oh. it is four ten so it is time for me to stop looking like i am busy and light up my 'off work' cigarette and drive home. i hope a giant truck does not make a crazy left turn, almost kill a girl and run into a bus stop in front of me because there is not enough fucking drugs in arizona to bring me back from that.
oh yeah, dan is working on getting me ambien. i am super excited.


okay good bye.

what? she tripped? fell? landed on his dick?!

whoa i need to go to sleep i feel like such an old person but i suck at time management or at least when it comes to taking care of everything and going to sleep in time to not die in the morning. i have some class tomorrow on post. that should be the most boring thing i will experience during the day. i spent a wicked amount of money today that was nice except not really at all. 
this weekend was spent being boozed up oh and i had some fantastic mexican food. at the very least that is the one thing sierra vista rocks at. i hung out by the pool all of saturday pretty much. joe and the kids and dan and met some ex convict named rick and a few other people i cannot remember oh yeah the korean whore was there for a while she was getting wet off some new army guys that were moving in i think she followed them to the chinese buffet by walmart because she came back an hour later saying she 'ran into them' there. YEAH LIKELY STORY, JUICY. anyways towards the end of the night i was like 'where is that black guy with the good bud?!' and then dan revealed he had some in his wallet which i immediately smoked with him apparently he has a drug test on thursday and was tripping about smoking but because i am a svegali he was stoned for the next hour. 
joe doesnt smoke but he wanted to bump a couple lines so dan walked over to some girls house to see if she had any but he came back empty handed and joe dipped out when he realized there would be no snow :(
anyways dan and i sat in the cold hot spa for a while zonked the shit out until we decided to watch house of 1000 corpses at his place so we went to his pad and the whole time dan is eye raping me and trying to switch seats with mike i felt a little bad but then again at the end of the night mike didnt fuck me so it seriously doesnt even matter haha anyways dan was going to buy a gram that night and wanted me to stick around a do a few rails too bad it was late as fuck and i was so fucked up by that time that it made sense not to. whatever we came back to our pad and mike knocked out and i laid in the floor.

i reallyreally do not want to wake up early as fuck and sit in a classroom i hope interesting people text me interesting things.

... defenestration.

have you ever felt so so sad and dissatisfied in one area of your life and the rest of it is great? but you cannot fix it yet or it is just easier to sit there and be pissed off?
me too.

there was a time when i could go to the park at night and have so much stupid fun but last time we went it was so boring i wanted to blow my brains all over the monkey bars.

this is me carrying someone on my back like a koala! 

 hollow bird bones.

anyways. i look happy in that photograph because i am. it was taken in korea but even though korea almost killed me it helped having good company. and the first picture was taken before korea. i look happy there too. i said that a lot would change in a year and a lot changed in a fucking year. one day people will learn to listen to what i have to say and take it into consideration. this time i am not going to back out on my word. 
when too many bad memories overwrite the good ones that is when it is a good time to try to bow out gracefully it is not a good time to do it when you are beating someones head in with an aluminum bat.

i tried to call you collect you said you would not accept your friends are laughing cus nobody uses pay phones

work was a little boring cause the servers were down but then sometimes everything was moving a thousand miles a second so that was annoying oh and then my stupid droid phone is stupid and drains battery so i brought my charger to work today but i suspect michael sabotaged my charger and i ended up with the shitty cell phone charger that unless its 78 degrees outside, wind blowing south east and i ate two pancakes that morning that shit will not fucking work no matter how much i scream at it so today i snapped and started beating it against my desk while it was plugged into my phone and it pretty much blew up a la master shake
so like i said the servers were down so i had to pretend extra hard that i was working and i took an extra long lunch at dennys and jami told me to leave around 3pm so i did. i have been looking forward to this stupid weekend and i am so fucking tired. things i want to accomplish but i probalby will not are getting my hair dyed cherry red and black learning how to curl it without looking like a fag and buy a new stupid phone charger ITS ALL ABOUT THE MONEY.
HAHAHA oh god mike and i were discussing making a shit ton of money through me doing a contractor deployment and he was like yaa we could pay off both cars with that and i was like yeh i can pay off my honda... might take you longer than a year to pay off that truck though WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK I AM? psyyycchheee IF I FIND OUT YOU WANK OFF TO PORN EVERYTIME I LEAVE THE HOUSE WHEN I MAKE IT TO THE TOP I AM GOING TO DROP YOU LIKE A BAD FUCKING HABIT. so i told him this and he looked all offended and shit like i basicly told him i stole his kidney or something. and then i was like what satisfaction do i get from paying off your car if i leave you? HAHA let us be real this is already on thin ice so he can continue to "not walk on eggshells" but dont get all thrown into a state of agitated confusion when im rich n shit and im like alright guy im going to go find someone who doesnt lie to me everyday peace out!
anyways enough venting about future plans n shit haha 
speaking about money and pathetic situations i didnt want to waste my after-work cigarette so i drove around the neighborhood to finish my smoke and find a closer running route and drove to the next block and realized I LIVE BEHIND THE PROJECTS. yeah basically that is why there are so many weird trailer trash paranormal looking people who walk around ALL THE TIME. it is because duh i live in the ghetto or at least next to it. i am glad i found this out now. oh. i wrote a haiku. i am going to try to write one every day so that i do not suck so bad let us see if you can figure out its about you hohoho
four thousand miles far
redbox movie rental stand
personal mares nest


anyways the liar is home and feeding his xbox addiction and right around now i wish i was not here so maybe i will go run again tonight (did last night fuck sake i am in pain) 

i want to love somebody i hear you're looking for someone to love cus you need to be back in the arms of a good friend aandd blahblahblah.

a thousand clever lies.

day three of work and i completely fucked right off i probably did a solid 20 minutes of work. i think tomorrow i will encourage some initiative from within myself. i am almost completely out of my favorite makeup so i thought i will go buy more but nope sierra vista would never let me do that the stupid ghetto ass sally's store they have here had nothing well no that is a lie they had a bunch of cheap looking shit that probably belongs in korea. fuck sallys and fuck korea and fuck sierra vista. so i just spent 136 bucks on sephora.com. fucking a man.


oh and the mission is on to find the perfect way i want to do my hair. i am thinking maybe a deep cherry looking red and blue black on the bottom and maybe i will start wearing my hair curly. i dont fucking know but the shit i have now is boring me quickly and it looks cheap now like korea cheap hahaa BURN ON MYSELF.

yeah i just got a question about this step right herya

so theres this guy right and he is maybe the coolest guy in the world like he makes other people look like losers and shit and he is probably the worst person to look up to if you are a little kid because he gets mad drunk all the time but if you are a kid and you want to grow up to be the baddest assed mofo alive then maybe you should look up to him because this guy is wicked rad and he also blows shit up for a living so that too is pretty awesome oh and also he smokes a lot of cigarettes not because he is addicted but probably because he knows they make people look so much cooler when they are blowing out a puff of smoke. i think he smokes newports though. im not gonna say it but maybe you would like to sip on some koolaid if youre picking up what i am putting down everybody knows the best smokes alive are marlboro lights duh rookie. oh yea that is another thing this guy is super amazing also because he is like not old as dirt but i usually can not stand anybody who is younger than 27 because they are annoying and shit but this dude is just so fucking awesome it is undeniable. hohoho and he also laughs at hipsters he is probably so cool that he eats hipsters for breakfast and spits their bandanas out because they taste gross.




it is too bad this brah lives out in the middle of bumfuck iceland because i no longer have any cool people around me in fact i only have anime and porn worshipping fagz in my company and that sucks but it is whatevs cus i got a phone that does the messaging of texts and bookface and so while i should be dilligently working on reviweing and editing a fucking user manual i am instead talking to some awesome bad ass in bumfuck iceland and writing a prolix blog about him n shit









ps i got a job that pays a shit ton of money and i think they pretty much think i know what i am doing but i do not think they realize i do not or maybe i do but i am pretty sure i do not.



and i decided to bring a sack lunch to work from now on instead of going to dennys and paying 20 bucks for coffee and salad but i didnt add croutons to my stupid salad and that is my favorite part because i like the crunch but my stupid salad has no crunch GOD DAMNIT. good thing i still have my orange juice box to fall back on.
 
i hope i see this dood again though :)

him probably

so i got a phone call for an interview with a company based in tucson with a branch in sierra vista and right now i am in the waiting period of things. the interview went great i think and it reaffirmed my belief in irony. a few things to note that were peculiar were :

when i was building my resume/cover letter i sort of based it if i was applying to this company. i didnt even realize it until after the interview.

the building i would work at if i did get hired is the very same building i had a training event at four years ago. it is a large three story pink building with crazy angles and architecture. if my stupid tb hard drive had not exploded i would post photos from that day to add extra creepiness.

the woman who interviewed me was the wife of my old command sergeant major. she mentioned my name to him and he remembered me and said good things. 

unfortunately that is where the interesting things end now i am just waiting with high blood pressure and fibromyalgia. i took mike to dennys for lunch i was craving their coffee and salad i use to work at a dennys for free because i was so terrible in school seriously i had to whore my services out for school credit

i think we are going to see despicable me tonight and some dinner so that should be cool. markham is talking about coming to visit me in az we will see how that goes i have had several offers of people come here or me go visit them and none of them are happening so thanks for the false hope guys

the thing about markham is he was one of the best people you could ask for to meet in a combat zone except when you care about someones safety and they are constantly on patrols and raids it takes a toll but fuck it. hes a good guy and i met awesome people because of him like matt. funny fact- markham attracts random gunfire. true story. 

i need to go pick up mike now. 

as the world turns

yesterday was spent by the poolside basically the whole day it is monsoon season in sierra vista so it rained and stopped and rained rained and stopped and more rain and more stopping. joe angela sean and joes kids were there let me tell you a thing about jordan joes son. he is probably the cutest kid i have ever laid eyes on he is like six or something tiny as hell and his little ribs stick out like a malnourished puppy haha BIGGEST BLUEST EYES IN THE WHOLE WORLD and a tiny nose i was in heaven this kid would not leave my side either guys. kept sitting on my lap all curled up and shit. i told joe i would bake them some shit next time he has them they found the brownie cookies and went nuts. i couldnt bring myself to drink much which is shitty apparently i am gay and no longer know how to have a good time or something no it is probably because it takes a tank of eighty proof vodka straight to the head to get a fucking buzz and i do not have that patience to not puke on myself again that is probably it. i did manage to smoke an entire pack in about five hours so here is to emphysema! 

"fifty" or markham just text me for the first time in like two years how crazy is that i hate losing touch with people i like. a couple nights ago two different numbers from burbank area kept texting me and they thought i was australian for some reason and the second one started singing men down under lyrics and being obnoxious motherfucking kids. 
today is my dads birthday i hate holidays and birthdays because the day of i always regret not even sending a card especially when it is my parents because they always sent them when i was deployed i am a horrible daughter GOD I HATE REGRET
anyways that angela girl that was by the pool apparently wants to be friends or some shit she does not look like the type of human i would interact with see she is banging joe or should i say joe is banging her but shes like a floozy to him. i prefer people who have some awareness! ah who knows i have high standards for people sometimes

jordan on the right!

oh and i definitely kick ass when it comes to water gun wars 
this was such a boring post i promise i will write better when i start robbing banks

theres a whole world off this island. all it takes is one long swim. tell my mother i love her.

you know how sometimes youre having a crap filled fest of a day and youre like man what happened to the days when i was all grand and shit and then you think about and youre like damn i was probably like twelve and i didnt have all this shit to worry about but then something small and insignificant happens and youre like this is great! one of those things for me is driving. i fucking love driving but i hate laws so it is sometimes bittersweet. plus my honda never fully recovered from my abandonment it is a tragedy. i adore speeding down a smooth road and hearing oncoming traffic whiz by that is a great thing for me i would hate to be deaf and never have heard that i also greatly enjoy that natural high from flawlessly weaving in and out of traffic. i love when a good song comes on the ipod and it has amazing bass and that shit just pounds your entire chest that is another perk of being able to hear and feel it is also the reason why i have come to like e40.

more things i live for are remembering a word that i usually would not remember. half of my day consists of trying to make my brain remember facts and words and dates and shit and it never sticks probably i have some degenerating mental issue that prevents my brain from recalling shit i drill in there. also when i am very thirsty and you finally get a bottle of perfect temperature water and it feels great that is awesome or when i buy something out of impulse and it turns out to be practical later 

oh yeah and watching videos of soldiers downrange dancing to that peanut butter jelly time song also comprise a great portion of my happiness 

its the little things, world.

then theres the things that annoy the piss out of me and make me want to throw whatever is next to me and cut my wrists and write out expletives on the wall with my blood like when people write words with the ca$h sign replacing the 's', people with close beady eyes, not being able to find something, water running down my arm when i wash my face and not remembering a word and i spend half an hour going through my head library 

oh and not finding a job that i want that is getting super annoying its not that there is no jobs but honestly i know what i want and i am not settling so all these dumb websites that keep making me register so i can look through their job searches can suck it. i hate them.

how on earth did i get so jaded

i am slowly becoming a fucking loser. i carry around a pen and notebook so i can jot down shit that comes to my head during the day or when i have one of those brilliant moments and i'm like 'man i wish there was somebody here to listen to this prolific kvetch' now i have a way to preserve it in probably the sloppiest writing that i will never be able to read.
oh yeah i also almost died today so that was pretty fun. i was going on post in the afternoon and making a left turn on a three way major intersection, i had the right of way and some giant blue truck decided he didn't want to stop at the red light as i was turning left so i guess maybe he saw my terrified face as i karate kicked my accelerator down cus stopped like a foot or two away from my car door then i drove in a daze thinking about everything i want to do in life that im wasting time not doing like going to remote countries and shit.

one of the contractors i contacted made contact back and she said she wants to hire me duh too bad the job is in va even though they would put me up in a hotel and then i would deploy to afghanistan for 100k/6 months i know it sounds rad right of course there is a downside and that is i would literally have to make the decision: traveling job that makes a lot of money or i stick around in the marriage and see how long it takes me to find his new porn stash or girlfriend i am so excited i am wasting golden opportunities CAN YOU READ THE EXCITEMENT?


i spoke to an old friend today. that was great. i apologized, they apologized. it was all gravy too bad i do not feel any better now in fact i think i feel worse sometimes i think i have met some of the most interesting awesome people for a reason but they do not stick around long enough for me to figure it out 
i am going to make a list of people who have literally changed my life but i wont write names in case somebody reads this and cries. I WILL NOT NAME NAMES.
1. pock-face-liar: in high school i dated an idiot actually i dated a few idiots but this one lied to me so many times that it taught me a lot about how to tell who is genuine
2. guy-who-would-not-sleep-with-me: i do not know why this fool didnt want to fuck me and i do not know why this affected me so much i do know that a year after i left for the army i came back home and i fucked him finally and then he proposed to me but i told him i could not marry him.
3. the-guy-who-changed-my-entire-life-to-this-moment: i think we both had equal levels of curiosity towards each other and that is why we are still friends after all these years
4. dude-with-the-really-fucking-big-smile: i do not think i will ever meet someone with such a big mouth again or somebody who did so much to me in such little time. that is the hardest i think i ever wanted someone i knew i would not ever have.
5. the-fucking-piece-of-shit-who-ruined-my-life-i-think: idiot infantry guy i dated before iraq and who continuously tried to fuck with my head while i was deployed until i could not take it anymore and went fucking nuts. oklahoma can suck it.
6. blue-eyed-angel: there are very few people you will ever meet in life that when you are around them you just feel fucking good they radiate positive energy. in iraq i met someone who did this for me and i wanted to keep that source of light forever but no matter how hard i tried i couldnt so i gave up and now he is happy and i am happy for him
7. for-british-eyes-only: i fell in love with a british boy in baghdad i have to selectively replay those memories cautiously because it gives me a severe case of dyspnea. it was a difficult time in my life and i cried so hard when he left the country. he called me from biap (the airport we used) checking up on me he left during a particularly dingy season when we were receiving a lot of rocket attacks where i lived and he called when i was walking home and i had to stop on the bridge and burst into tears. i didnt want to die and not see this gorgeous english boy again. i did not die and i never saw him again.
8. guy-i-took-a-lot-of-cough-syrup-with: its weird when you meet somebody in a shitty situation and then they leave you and never talk to you again and a year later, you are talking again. the weird part is when you constantly think about that person when they have obviously forgotten you. i think a lot of it has to do with despair.
9. person-who-stuck-my-stapler-in-jello: on the other side of the spectrum there are people who take a negative situation and make it humorous. i would have gone fucking crazy if it was not for thirty minute humvee trips to ammo points and office pranks and living in motor pools and getting lost in foreign country traffic. 
10. guy-i-hung-out-with-everyday-until-i-left-and-gave-me-purpose: i never smoked so many fucking cigarettes out of stress and happiness. i also learned i am pro at disassembling impalas and that i am capable of caring.


its fucking weird how much i love these people in a weird way that is probably not healthy and i know i have to forget most of them. but i learned so much and it makes me sad i cant take more from them with me. dumb people for being in my life

hello sweet cancer

this was probably entirely way too long and it is now midnight fuck 

we can go now.

it is interesting how an age gap can really affect life i wont bother elaborating much on that but it is something that people should consider.
i went to buy a turtle yesterday but they were giant turtles and i only wanted a tiny one i could hide in my pocket and take to the pool so i ended up with a robo hamster. guys this thing is so fucking small and fast its retarded SO FAST AND SMALL. i have been forcing my love on it since i got it

not so fast now are you turbo

fourth of july was really boring and so was the rest of the weekend i decided to start nominating myself for all kinds of crazy jobs that i probably am not qualified for maybe someone who sees my name will know me and say HEY GUYS LETS HIRE ESTHER SHES A REAL RIOT probably i will get hired and work from home and make a lot of money and retire in three years YES
who the fuck am i kidding right


today i felt like i would die if i did not get out of the apartment if even for a little while so we went to the park and i sat on the swings and tried taking pictures but it was dark and my camera hates me and i am not pro at taking photos when i am in motion wait nevermind yes i am but people are too dumb to think they are great oh by the way reason number 319 why sierra vista sucks: theres no stand alone starbucks around here. they are all either in target safeway or frys so i cant go to starbucks when i am bored and sit outside and smoke THANKS A LOT SIERRA VISTA FOR TAKING AWAY MY FEW JOYS IN LIFE.

now i am watching alien vs predator 
i noticed today that even gas prices are boring now

does this stereotype make me look fat?

all i want to do all day is sip on coffee smoke cigarettes and take shitty pictures to display on my blog.


does that make me a disgusting fag?

last night we bought groceries because in our kitchen there was a bunch of random ingredients but not anything that would make something good anyways we bought food and i was really excited because i had a dinner planned out- some tri tip steaks that were pre marinated and some stuffed portobello mushrooms some spinach salad and baked beans and a bunch of grilled veggies too bad the steak and mushrooms turned out to be the spiciest food in the entire world like i imagine even satan would have been pissed off it was fucking spicy so mike couldnt eat any of it i am on the other hand an alpha human and sucked it up and the suffered from my insides radiating hell. so that is my disaster dinner story yay


oh yeah its fourth of july so happy long weekend have fun being rednecks driving drunk and blowing off fireworks.

PUT THE FUCKING LOTION IN THE BASKET.

so let me tell you guys a little story about my boring day yesterday that turned into a psychotic nightmare in my own head basically all of yesterday was really really boring i even woke up super late so i would not have to be cognizant of my boring day then i saw a sonics commercial so i had to go get some fuckin sonics. then i decided i would have some type of social stimulation so that led to me buying a cheap bottle of vodka some expensive ass oj and mountain dew and mike got some bud lite and we hung out by the pool with sean the lesbian and some black guy that looked like this famous guy but i cannot remember who anymore i hate my brain. i was doing okay with the orangevodjuicekas aka screwdrivers then i went to pee and came back out and was informed that black-glasses-guy had a blunt so i was like sweet guess i am getting faded tonight and so i did. and it felt good for a little while and i thought maybe i should keep smoking but i didnt because i probably have amazing foresight and then i stood up to move seats and realized i was straight stoned so i sat there stupidly for what felt like a thousand years smoking the same cigarette i think but it probably was not only one cigarette because i am missing a lot from the case. i thought everyone out there was staring at me but i never actually caught anybody staring oh and i could not stop thinking about big lurch probably because last time i got high i was with sarah and i think that was when i decided to tell her the story about big lurch eating a lung and she tweaked out i am such a great friend.
finally i could not take it anymore and came back inside and scoffed down the rest of my sonics food and swore on my grave i would buy kfc today which is whack because i dont eat fried chicken and dont respect kfc but apparently i was impervious to my own voice of reason and wrote myself a note KFC SLAW MASHED TATRS <3 <3  i am not buying fucking kfc.


daniel and beida were going to come down for the weekend from california but i guess that is not happening so that really sucks. oh and mike and i built magical pillow forts this morning i think i may secretly be seven years old.
je dois y aller maintenant

how fun!

the life of poor people living paycheck to paycheck is so fucking great!
cant buy groceries cus i gotta pay child support because i was highly fucking irresponsible a long time ago! yay!




in other news.
its hot today and proactive is charging me an extra ten bucks. douchebags.