the way you move that body

so i have decided to make an effort to get a stupid degree because the current career field i am in actually pays me for every degree i have and one is better than none. apparently its really annoying to get into college. i bet that the actual college work is not difficult but i will be so drained from trying to get in that i will be too tweaked out to focus. no, i am lying. i have barely tried to get this accomplished but its still pretty annoying.

anyways i finally made a five year plan. its probably really far fetched but we will see in five years.

crazy is what crazy does

--redacted-- 

ghey.

my stupid town is on fire and every other day someone starts up a panic and talks about mandatory evacuations. if my shit burns down, i will be so pissed off.

the days are cold living without you

im glad i have some vivid memories of the past six months
my heart hasnt felt the same since april.
a day doesnt go by without this huge weight setting down heavily on my chest


ha, that last weekend we went to tombstone out of nowhere. it wasnt suppose to happen but it did. maybe it was the worlds way of making things happen. those last few moments i guess. nothing exciting anyways. there was this abandoned home. couldnt break in because we werent there to make a mess, just photograph. i wanted this license plate but i was reminded that we take nothing, leave nothing. whatever, whatever, whatever. i crawled into some little shed and looked at the tool bags and a box of spoons and forks. they were over across the street and down some small hill already, trespassing through some tall brush towards an abandoned and wrecked old car. there were some basketballs and such around there too. while they were talking i noticed some old man watching us. so we left. and back to the car and back to looking for nothing. we passed the church with the Jesus bust again. you could obviously tell he was sick but fuck. he was a fucking soldier and i asked him if he was okay and of course he was. 
something about all of this is making life incredibly hard and no matter what level of happiness i am able to find i wont ever be the same. 
i miss you so fucking much brother. 

them.

how long will they mourn me
every muthafuckin day homie,
you stayed down when the other niggas didnt know me
from my heart to the trigga, you my fuckin nigga
and things won't be the same without ya nigga.


:) <3

goodbye blue monday.

im beginning to recluse and the people around me are beginning to look more disgusting. i could use a dose nowdays.

what ive got.

ive got nobody.
everything that i once held dear and would protect with my fucking blood, and the people who stayed close to my heart were quick to forget. anybody can smile and have some drinks and dance a night away. who would you take a bullet for? truly collapse and breathe your last breath to protect. who would drive a couple state lines to see you? who would tell you that coughing up blood is not right? who would save your life? who would cry for days and weeks and months after your passing? anybody can lie and anyone can swear youll be there for each other until the end of time.
anyways.
the point is i got nobody. there is a good chance you got nobody, too. i think probably thats why some people have children. they know that the kid will always be there for them and its something to throw themselves into whole-heartedly. what i got is my book of life and a few characters that are in a few chapters. characters of no loyalty. blood and water. all the same. no loyalty. "theres always tomorrow"-mentality. one day for one of us tomorrow wont show up to her appointment and one of us with have to bear that weight on our shoulder. 

sometimes you wake up and you just know.

maybe i am being hopeful but it feels like the purpose to things is beginning to shrink. i dont mean to sound like a pussy poet or something but its kind of beautiful when you can see things objectively and when you can have some clarity. things will always be the way they are. everyone (including me!) says happiness is a state of mind. what if your mind has been corrupted? theres pills that can fix that shit. i have this problem when i have pills in front of me. i have to take them. i get so fucking high. so when that happens- your mind being corrupted- you have to stay on your toes and keep your mind sharp. cant let it get too far.
but sometimes
it gets too far
and next thing you know youre completely underneath all the thoughts.


i dont know. someone once told me they wished they could turn their emotions off like i can. i wish i could turn my thoughts off. maybe thats why i have that love affair with the pharms. all i know is i wasnt meant to stick around here this long. im not meant for this place. and i am a little curious for something new and exciting.