i am what i am.

lately i have been feeling really sick. i think it's mentally. and it is manifesting itself into making me want to vomit. this morning i actually threw up while brushing my teeth. whenever someone says something stupid i feel it begin and i get so dizzy that if someone coughed i would fall over. the people i attached myself to at work for sake of social ties are not the worst. but they are not the brightest either and the one who is has his own life so there is not much room to build new pal-age. 
i want everything to go faster. i want my life to be so packed with shit on my mind that i literally have no time to think about what is going to go wrong or even if i am hungry or not. i have a friend with a potential tape worm. i hope he starts feeling full again and getting hugs on the regular. i made him pudding once. and heated up his hotpockets and frozen foods. poor thing.


it seems that life is better when you keep your distance from others, a rolling stone. don't stop moving like a shark. once you get caught up in emotions you have to slow down. i never want to slow down i hope i die before i slow down. love is a beautiful thing but it does not last forever. the trade off will never be worth it and if you disagree there is a chance you have never felt it or it has been too long since you cared and you feel you need to FEEL again. maybe i'll think like that again. but for now i want to be removed. i don't want to feel. i'd rather pop pills to fry my nerves and emotional receptors. desensitized. detached. dissociated. dehumanized. derailed. defined.


unfortunately.


this is not the case. i sit at a desk with no computer access and no one to talk to. I CANT EVEN BLOG. woe is me. back to grind i go. smell ya later!

reminds me of johnny cash.

 tomorrow i am probably popping a pill. wait no it would make more sense to do it friday. duh. jesus christ i just spilled my guts to atty. why? because he is like the first human i ever met. i had to live like twenty stupid years of life before i met my first human. then he left me. but we still talk now and i just proved that by spilling my guts to him. i adore my history with brandon. it's one of those few memories i hold onto that i recall as a time machine. he introduced me to a different kind of high. dextromethorphan high. robot high. fucking scratch your head until you break your skull high. shaking high. yeah, so high you try to kill someone high. well accidentally on purpose kill someone with water. whatevs. i can hardly remember things from so long ago. we went to a bowling alley apparently and i required wearing a bandanna in my doped up state of mind. this caused a few problems. i don't remember much. we went back to a rapist's room and i can remember even less there. in hindsight i felt safe with b there. b got sick? or thirsty? i guess i shoved him in the shower? and poured like a gallon of water out of a tiny cup. i don't know. i believe his stomach contents were taco bell. and a fuck ton of pills.


those pills caused more grief than anything else. the highs drove me insane. the poor man's pcp. i'd itch. and itch. and itch. and then grind my teeth and walk robotically. EVERYTHING HAD TO HAVE RHYTHM. if i stopped moving i think brandon would have died. but if i could have another night of zombied out pill popping with atty again. i wouldn't think twice cus fucking A he is one of the most god damned awesome human beings in this continent. 




i just realized no photograph exists of the two of together. whatthefuck. aaaand it's nine thirty. jesus christ. 

i want to live my life so that my nights are not full of regrets

a lot of people think i am a shitty person and i am probably. but that is not the point the point. checkit. today was a series of a lot of events that in my head came together and maybe even symbolized my true essence. that makes no fucking sense. this morning i needed more cigarettes so i went to the corner street for more and a zombie legion of beggars swarmed me for money. i gave the cleanest one a five. why the cleanest one? because he asked first. the woman beggar with the dog got mad at me when i told her that was my only bill and i think she told me to fuck off. so i did and left. 
this event will never happen again. i feel sorry for the next piece of shit human that begs me for money because i have a diatribe for them outlining how not to be a disreputable fuck sock. 
at work today i sat at my desk. rearranged things on my desk. read the 1970's edition of the merriam-webster dictionary. killed a spider. smoked. laughed. compared the table of contents from my lesson plans to the actual pages it linked to. and some other shit.
the other shit is where this story could potentially become interesting and disheartening for some to read. so i will not disclose it at this time and probably not until everything becomes so fucking complicated i resort to coming to my stupid blog to release all the madness. but i will say this. i may be more awesome than i previously imagined. 


i also managed to help some lady do her stupid job after lunch. i had to go get another id card because fifty is not enough. i challenge any one to an id card draw. i will always win. tomorrow will probably be lame at work because the people i know will be gone. so i should start preparing for that tonight. i never know. whateeevvverrrr. this post is retarded. i had such an interesting day, too. 
i do not think it is bad that i want to feel alive. i encourage everyone to feel alive. STOP BEING REPUBLICANS. seriously though. as far as i know i am only going to live this life once and i will never be 22 on this date again. so i think everyone should stop taking shit so seriously and start being a god damned human again. be happy for others. be happy for your fucking self. do what makes you happy. whatevah. it is probably the pills-eating-my-brains talking.

i know what no one else knows.

so gay. so fucking gay. i had a meeting with the VP today. that wasn't gay. then i had to finish up like a million human resource training modules. i figured out that it takes more time and energy if i rush through and dont read anything than if i just sit there and read it. that discovery goes against everything i ever believed in. then i pretty much flew across town back to the office to find out all the motherfuckers were gone. it's stupid the level of try that i put forward when i start a job. so i am basically done with the scheduled bullshit and now i have to do all the unscheduled bullshit. i just want to bang on the drum all day. and play with my zen rock garden. i have invested too much attention in someone. now they are under the impression that i am manipulatable. i also dyed my stupid hair it is suppose to be fucking deep red but instead half of it is purple. and really long. i hate hair. why cant we all be bald and ugly.


whatever so now i am at home i just ate the most disgusting lunch it was a sandwich but the ingredients were bought like two weeks ago so there is a chance the sandwich will kill me. i don't trust something that has sat in a fridge for past a week. A WEEK??


i dont know what to write. somebody do something stupid so i have something to write in my blog about. oh yeah i think i need to go back and make sure nobody can ever link this stupid blog back to me. all that human resource training has me paranoid. bastards.

and i am sorry my conscience called in sick again and i've got arrogance down to a science

i found the cure to growing older. and you're the only place that feels like home.

just so you know, you'll never know-

and some secrets weren't meant to be told but i found the cure to growing older

ohh god. mike is cooking bacon and it smells like burning wet dog and i am about to vomit all over everything because it seems like instead of hangovers i get an increased sense of smell and i don't even know why the fucking bacon smells like that.

so last night rick came over and was like hey come watch fight by the pool cus he set up the projector and whatever so we got some booze, worked out. i ate my pills and showered. everything after that is possibly not real. the pool area was like a fucking drive in theater and somehow i managed not to die or trip on my heels and fall in the pool. i drank a lot of wine some heinekens. even in my drunken high stupor i could have put money on the fight cus i totally said cain was going to clean house and you know what happened? I WAS RIGHT BECAUSE I AM INCAPABLE OF BEING WRONG.

i made rick tell me stories of being locked up and haha i asked him if he had been raped and he told me about the prison riot when a black guy got killed and other shit. anyways it was around that time that i became royally fucked up and i had to keep going inside and i don't know why but i ended up throwing up a lot and i remember throwing up EVERYWHERE and going back to the pool. eventually i couldnt even smoke anymore so i went to bed and mike came inside and read a book and i made soup and shoved as much food in my mouth as i could because for some reason whenever i get really drunk my stupid brain thinks that if i eat a lot of salty food really quick that i will not be sick or drunk anymore. it NEVER works.

i woke up at fucking six in the morning and kept tossing and turning but that turned out to be a stupid idea because i was still drunk and probably i would have thrown up if i did not go back to sleep so i fell asleep and woke up because i had cramps because i am shedding my uterine lining again. 

oh and last night's text messaging? of epic proportions. i am fond of a few of them. i kind of cannot wait to go to work either. time for breakfast!

cus there's beauty in the breakdown.

i think things happen for a reason i have always believed that saying. except for a year. i met two of my favorite people that year- brandon and jason. but i also lost my identity. that's kind of not worth it sorry. i am back to eating pills on the regular and i have a pretty cool job with pretty cool people. that last part seems to be what is making things better. but this morning i woke up cus someone was knocking and i had no fucking idea where i was if i was even alive who was in bed next to me who the last person i talked to was or what my fucking name was. so i laid there for a few minutes til shit started making sense. did not help that my phone was dead.
i am seeing a glimpse of happiness defined by me for the first time in a long time. it is not like i was not happy when i got out of korea. but i had a lot of person issues going on and uncertainty and my self confidence was shot and there was much to be pined for. maybe it's that i'm working out again. fuck if i know. what i do know is this


i am better than you.
all of you. i can mind fuck you into submission. you can only dream of being an ounce of what i am. and i am going to ride this motherfucker til the wheels fall off. and yes. we can absolutely be friends. as long as you are not a flaming idiot.


oh. and i got kicked in the face this morning. that part was my favorite. maybe going up to tucson today for a real mall. maybe not. definitely going next weekend for the haunted house bullshit.

motherfucking maverick!

tomorrow is the last day of class so i am super excited about that. the last bit of work is making me want to die. a lot. i am in constant state of tired. i'm still doing the p90x. the yoga has been the only part i absolutely fucking hate. and it's not cus it's hard. yoga is the most boring thing ever. and the entire time all i can think about is that i must be doing it wrong because people always talk about how calming yoga is. so then i start worrying. motherfuck!
i had to go to the office today. and then i did some serious hauling ass off post to catch up to someone on a motorcycle. and i caught up. i actually cheated and did the math- if they were traveling thirty fives miles per hour and they have a five minute head start, if i traveled slightly faster, CAN I AVOID GETTING PULLED OVER? anyways i caught them. win.


it is already nine pm and i need to shower and get to bed before i stop existing. 

faggotry.

i love that me and mike have been doing p90x for two days now and he is already getting cut. the bastard just ran in the kitchen naked screaming I GOT TWO LINES and i had no idea what the fuck he was talking about but it is because the guy's hip bone is caving in. already. i am pretty sure i am gaining weight and eating like a pound of spinach a day. and drinking the most disgusting liquid yogurt every morning. remember when i said i loved that mike was already cut? I WAS LYING. hahaha motherfucker!
while the rest of us have to do it the old fashioned way- blow and bulimia.


oh and i totally wore my undies inside out to work today. i noticed when i went to pee and i pulled my panties down and my stupid purple lacey seams were in front of me. motherfuck. i guess i could've turned them right side in after that but that would be even weirder. 


there is more shit to write but i am fucking tired. oh and we'll probably be moving into that house in january. 

i'm a rolling stone just like him.

it feels like i have not written in a while probably because i have not and it seems like nobody is writing as much anymore so i am going to need you people to start writing because it makes me feel not so gay about writing in a blog haha just kidding this blog is the coolest fucking thing ever.


so the weekend was pretty lame i did not do much. i ate some pills friday. fought a little. made up. went out for steaks and apparently they stopped playing case 39 in sierra vista mysteriously. i wanted to see it!


and then i went back to class today and it is not so bad anymore cus i understand it pretty well. it is basically easy if you know how to read and follow directions. plus i am like the cool kid in class hahahaha no but remember that case test i was conducting on one of my instructors i finally have some conclusive data and now he is under my mastermind. he follows me on every smoke break. why? because i am a svengali.
and i think everyone knows me as the 'save the boobs' girl because i have a magnet on the hood of my car that says save the tatas and a bracelet about loving boobies. so that is cool. i am totally ecstatic that i will be working with the people i like from the class. to include the instructor i mind god'ed. so i already have my own clique. i win.


also i have been super annoyed with how small the apartment is and i have so much clothes and no space so i brought it to mikes attention that id rather pay an extra two or three hundred dollars for an extra bedroom to convert it into a walk in closet. plus i want a dog. we looked at the bigger rooms today but i convinced him that i'd rather move on post housing. so hopefully there are openings and that happens cus a house trumps a two bedroom apartment forever and ever. period.

starting p90x in about fifteen minutes. here is to not dying on day one.

every me and every you.

want to know something that is weird the past like month i have been having fucking ESP like i cannot remember  any of them right now except the one that just happened. yesterday when i was trying on shoes i had that placebo song 'every you every me' out of nowhere. i just turned on the tv and do you know what just came on? cruel intentions. do you know what song is at the beginning of cruel intentions? EVERY YOU EVERY ME BY PLACEBO. i think maybe i should start playing the lottery because i am on fiiiiire.


so after lunch class got a lot better. it is really funny watching the army privates get whiplash by dodging out of the way when we walk by them. it is basically awesome being a contractor. like a king and the privates are the peasants. haha anyways i got everybody talking about music and a few of them love rise against and the other ones i am turning them onto it. i was gonna break out of this gay mold i am in by giving out my number but too many people were around. anyways instead i just gave out lists of awesome rise against songs.


i am fucking tired. i think i will take a nap. it is suppose to be a date night but i plan on stirring up a domestic disturbance in a little while.

and even though i'm angry i can still say i know my heart will break the day when you peel out and drive away

class is so lame. maybe it is because i am in a peculiar mood. the idiot britney spears sounding girl sitting next to- her presence annoys me. so does her voice. why are people from the south so god damned annoying. we are covering a complex section today that covers the maps. i hate maps. the instructor who is teaching it sucks even more than maps. the plus side is we got like almost a two hour lunch break. so that's cool. i'm up to smoking like a pack a day.


also i just got back to the apartment and noticed that apparently mike decided to drink one of my seagrams for breakfast. that's awesome. drinking some malt liquor before reporting to work. with the army. yeah. way to go champ. so i asked him if he drank it. and he said yeah, i was really thirsty and wanted something cold to drink. even though we have ice. so that posed a new question. who the fuck drank it. he normally hates those drinks since they give him heartburn. and he's gotten DUIs in the past for only one drink. 
either way, he is lying or a fucking retard. 


fuck. i am so glad it's friday. cus now i can eat some pills. 

make your decision and don’t you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn’t turn out the way i thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

idiot. what a fucking idiot.

jesus christ its like i am married to the most retarded human alive it makes me so happy to know that i have to share my stupid life with a stupid person thank god i am totally for abortions because then i would have stupid babies. so the brilliant master mind i regrettably married just posed the most retarded question ever. hey let us go live in the apartments where the girl i love talking to at work, lives. except he did not word it like that. no instead he just suggested a place and i had to dig around until he finally said she lives there. oh. well that makes sense. a whole lot of fucking sense. why dont we move CLOSER so that you can just go over there when you aren't fucking your wife. 


these are the times that i am like OH YEAH CALIFORNIA IS NOT THAT FAR AWAY. now he is all pissed off and calling me a psycho because i told him to fuck right off if he thinks i am going to pay the rent for him to live next to his slag friend. this motherfucker pushes and pushes and pushes. always takes and takes and takes. is never fucking happy. as soon as i give in on one thing he's onto the next. FUCK YOU, ROYALLY.


i went and bought three pairs of shoes today. why? because i can. class was ultra awesome today because they are doing construction on the roofs and it sounded like dinosaurs were trying to break through. ALL DAY. anyways tomorrow is friday and then it's only a week left. i'll be working with a lot of the guys in my class. which is great and fucking ridiculous all at once. great cus i like some of them. ridiculous because some of these people are the dumbest humans i've ever seen. 


i still can't believe he even considered running that idea past me. 


are all guys this stupid
or do my pheromones attract the retards?

no, i love the liquid -inside- people. how many times i gotta tell you this, man? im insane! i eat people juice. no one's gonna hire a people juice eater!

i had a a talk with a good friend a while ago and he said that i am a shitty person cus of the people i fucked or maybe even the people everyone assumed i fuck. some of them were married too and i forgot to mention that it's not cus i want to make girls mad or even steal their guy. i have a laundry list of requirements for guys i want to fuck. there's a certain type of people i am naturally drawn to. it's the people who i can learn from or they can inspire me or they make me a better person. who wants a piss parade around? i guess that makes me a leech. i want to leech their awesome attributes away. i want to remember them forever. i want to wonder for the rest of my life how cool it would be if they were around. but not to fuck them. just to talk to them. maybe drive around and smoke a lot of cigarettes. 

one of the guys ive known half my life married some retarded girl he met online and she's trying to be annoying on his facebook. she's one of those girls that tries to get involved anytime i make contact with him. anyways she thought i was gonna call her fat but instead i was like no are you fat? hahaha faggot.

i got an email response from someone i miss having around. he was one of those guys that just makes you feel happy, like life isnt so shitty even when everything is actually really shitty. 

i am conducting an experiment on one of my instructors. ill follow up with more conclusive data when i have some.

other than that i have insomnia i am starting p90x next week and every day in class i die a little bit because the people in my class are a little retarded. hey america these are the people fighting your wars hahaha i am just kidding i am sure they are all really fucking smart and they are just playing with us maybe at the end of the class they will say HEY JUST KIDDING GUYS I INVENTED A TIME MACHINE THAT REALLY WORKS. idiot savants. or something.

i am blogging.

so i don't know what to say cus i am feeling extra boring today oh i started my new job today but i am in a class for the next two weeks so that is cool. i am in the same exact building i was in four years ago. also the same exact classroom. the place looks the same except shittier. and i can't have my cell phone there so it is extra shitty oh and i ran out of cigarettes over the weekend so i thought i might as well quit smoking but today i was like OH MY GOD I HOPE THERE ARE SOME HALF SMOKED CIGARETTES IN THE ROCKS BECAUSE I NEED A SMOKE. so then i stole some cigarettes from the people in the smoke pit. at one point there were four of us standing around asking if anybody had cigarettes and nobody did. the most awesome addiction ever.
so yeah class is really boring and i guess the company i work for is prone to hiring sex fiends or just really perverted people. the girl i was sitting next to in class must have aids or something because she kept coughing and it started freaking me out because i wash my hands obsessively in case maybe someone sneezed on them and i couldn't wash my hands in class and i had to sit there as she spread her high five all over me. 


anyways. its a cool gig wont be the worst thing that ever happened to me and i got to start somewhere before i start working on my korea hit list. yeah that is where i will make a list of everyone that pissed me off when i was stationed in korea and with all the money i am making and the giant throne i will raise myself in i will turn around and whack these people off.


better hope you're not on my hit list, huh.

but the drugs like me.

i ate some anti depressants earlier and ive been feeling like shit ever since except i totally dont give a shit about anything. but it feels like an alien is trying to rip out of my tummy.
so rick came over and was like 'hey remember you said we'd go to the movies today?' so we ended up going to see that movie my soul to take or some shit like that in 3d. i really dont understand why everything is all in 3d now and shit. it's nothing special. 
oh and like i guess halloween is coming up so i think one of these weekends ill be up in tucson haunted housing it which is fucking awesome and basically i wish more cool people lived closer cus halloween is all about getting fucked up with people you like!


i made mike make me some chicken noodle soup hunt down some sprite and saltines. he's really great sometimes.

disturbed ill grab her by her beak and swing her in circles untill she's too dizzy to speak

well ill shake her from her branch, tear apart her nest
break her skinny legs and fry her eggs up for breakfast
(she's a snake that can fly) she's just food for the fleas
she thinks she's better then me just because she's free?




last night is one of those night that doesnt even exist in my stupid brain because i was so blasted off pills and wine but i know exactly what happened i just cannot believe the shit that happened.

here is a list of what i can remember
pink bubbly wine even though i knew how much it foamed i kept overfilling my cup so everything got sticky. 
taking a lot of pictures and progressively getting worse at it
instigating two fights
talking shit about the pretty girl who wont accept she is pretty and has to dress and act like a porn star
talking shit about porn star girl and how she literally always wears a black and pink playboy wife beater
going to look for porn star girl after she took off running cus the guy was going to beat her ass for being stupid 
she kept saying MANG!
running up and down the streets
a little metal tin trashcan being used as a buttcan
eating almost an entire burrito
getting in the hot tub
jumping in the cold pool
freezing to death
cristina blowing rick in the hottub 
popping some seroquel 
googling seroquel 
letting cristina borrow my bikini
totally groping her tits
promising cristina quarters so she can do some fuckin laundry
cristina skinny dipping
taking my bikini top off and half of my bottoms off
mike getting super mega pissed
mike not really doing anything
dropping my last cigarette in the water and probably crying
cristina bitching about how she thinks rick had a threesome with porn star girl
i am pretty sure she wanted to swing with us
also found out that wine called pink tastes like if you smoke meth. dont ask me how thats just the general consensus.
i also might've acquired hepatitis last night. mf.

dirty porn star that owns no clothes and still wears bell bottoms

my new best friend 

before the madness he changed sweaters like twelve times

 some slaggotry afoot

started passing around the hat

hat

the porn star making love to the bottle of tequila 

eating face 

zombieland 

trickquila

promotion

pfft

on a walk

free titties!

i have no idea how the fuck i knew where everything was in my apartment everytime i came in to get something. my brain hurts everytime i try to remember something kind of like the butterfly effect but less cool and more gay. shit i just realized i lost my pill baggie. it was in the ol cigarette box which fell casualty to water damage and trash. bleh.


oh. stalkers, go fuck right off. you too jason.

thats what she said

basically i had the best time in california because i was not in arizona even though driving for 22 hours in the past three days kind of sucked. a whole lot. oh yeah and i am pretty sure red bulls no longer work for me because i drank a million. and smoked a billion cigarettes. my brain feels like explosions. I DIDNT GET PULLED OVER NOT ONCE AND NO TICKETS. that warrants a drink or something. 
on the drive there i saw twenty two crosses along the freeways so that means at least twenty two people fucked up. also i noticed phoenix police are assholes every two minutes there were people pulled over.
on the drive back i noticed a lot of spilled red paint and that people had thrown their hi-c juice out the window. after like the fourth spill i realized it wasnt juice or paint. it was people who decided to paint the freeway. i fucking hate shitty drivers. speaking of which, ashley's seven year 'anniversary' is coming up. 

best salad bar fucking ever

nom nom nom.

ghoul faced killa

apparently i am a bad photo blogger

other shit i did:
listened to the police radio scanner on the drive back
went to sizzlers
saw my parents third house
decided i wanted to be rich and successful
returned back to sierra vista and remembered thats probably impossible while married
saw sarah jami and cat
stole fajahs sweater.
tried on brandys sweater. liked it.
played with manga

bird whisperer 

 i look fucking weird here

im totally pulling it off

oh yeah and then my parents attacked me for smoking because retarded beida decided to use me as her scape goat bitcchhhhh anyways i wanna sleep forever now

sha-bang!

whoa last night was super gay me n mike went to the pool to drink n smoke and then everyone started showing up and i guess angie broke up with her saudi but they were still hanging out whatev anyways angie was like OH MY GOD YOU GUYS SHOULD TOTALLY COME WITH US TO IK KARAOKE NIGHT and i was like uh ok. and then i was like wait no only if jeff comes with us cus i wanna hear him sing some fran drescher the nanny themesong fuck yeah. so he says okay. and we all went and me and mike agreed the korean bitch (yes. of course! IT WAS A FUCKING KOREAN RAN KARAOKE BAR can i please get away from the fuckin koreans?) was watering all the drinks. we both had a good buzz before we went out and then it went away even though i chugged like five absolute cranberries. 
the karaoke sucked too cus everybody wanted to sing depressing ass songs about infidelity like lips of an angel and unfaithful and all this other stupid shitty music. and then simple man came on and mike got a hard on and i was like you're stupid you're the most unsimple person i've ever met. i'm not saying you're complex cus you're pretty one sided but you're definitely complicated and have a shit ton of requirements to be happy. like owning two goddamned cars.

oh yeah and then angie kept asking why i was being mean to her and being a bitch and shit. i guess cus i wasnt drunkenly screaming i love you like her i seemed pretty mean. too bad i know for a fact those drinks do not get anybody wasted so WAY TO GO CHAMP! she ended up leaving with some guy she met there to the sorry gulch some nasty strip club. i guess any excuse to fuck some married guy!

she was starting up fights cus i guess sue was picking on her for being a slag? shit i dont know. i smoked like an entire pack just trying to avoid them. it really drove home why i dont even bother being a part of the AZ society and why girls are fucking stupid. 

i need to go pack for the california trip tomorrow. i only need like a pair of jeans and like a shirt and a ton of makeup because i'm gross like that. oh and panties. i guess i should bring a few of those too. I REALLY HOPE I CAN SCORE SOME AMBIEN OUT THERE HINT HINT 

so i built the hand guillotine and i decided i quit.

between not being able to sleep due to acid laced dreams and my favorite person quitting and the fact that this job is boring me and because i want to meet new people instantly, i quit my job. cleaned out my desk and bought subways for lunch.


why?
because i can. suck it.


guess which resignation letter i used?

or

its kind of a ballsy big step type of thing cus it will probably ruin my personal life but its about time i do something out of my routine and regain some damn independence.

so i guess ill get drunk tonight and celebrate. yay!

worthless!

so jami who was my supervisor for the past three months is dipping out to go work for the customer who we work for. which is sad cus i liked her. and that's removing my comfort zone. pfft, she's the reason i didn't quit two weeks ago. mf. so now i'm looking up new jobs. i think i pretty much passed on that L3 job cus i didn't want to be gone half of every month. i kind of sent him a cliff hanger email and was like 'yea ill get back to you'. i guess my current job isn't sooo bad. but my god i work with the most boring old ugly people ever. that's the price i have to pay for being such a young mind god i guess.


IM SO HAPPY MY EYES ARE ON FIRE. 


stuuupid. why cant we be at war with a nation that i speak the local language? I DONT KNOW HOW TO SPEAK FARSI OR URDU OR DHARI. gossssshhhhh.


check it out. last night was so retarded. i must have been tweaking cus i woke up cus i could hear my stupid rat on it's wheel and because I COULD HEAR MY FRIDGE HUMMING. then i had some heart attack inducing dream where i was driving down some broken ass freeways at like a million miles an hour with other reckless drivers and then we were forced to abandon our cars on the freeway and walk to safety. it was very zombielandesque. oh and then my brain invented a tiger snake. sniger? i donno. either way, it was huge. face and skin of a tiger, body of a snake and fucking scary. my brain needs to stop inventing this shit because i am pretty sure my heart stopped beating.


anyways. everything sucks and is lame today. one of my favorite people is going to be in arizona this weekend. awesome.