the truth is

everytime i think things are just so so bad and i think things could get so so better i realize maybe it is not so so bad. this is the most normal thing i will ever have anyways. 


so i am back in texas and i have been sick as shit since i got here but i am finally either getting better or it no longer hurts. basically i have learned that mexicans are made out of dust and i breathed it in and acquired tuberculosis. also it has been a really chaotic HALF OF A WEEK. i got super drunk i think friday night because i guess i was in denial that i had to work the next day and then everything went to shit real quick. then i went to work and had a miserable day because i was still drunk and because haters want to hate. or something.
anyways. the next two weeks are going to be really stupid but it is better than being home i guess. 
i should get my dumb ass in the shower. it might be a long day already.

you are beautiful but you dont mean a thing to me.

ive had a stark realization recently that i know so many beautiful and outstanding people and some of them have a quality that the other has not like that episode or movie whatever of futurama where fry's girlfriend has like a bunch of boyfriends and he gets jealous and shes like WTF. i love all of you.

kind of like that but nothing like that all at once. so i guess i just want to be happy everybody wants to be happy and i am kind of happy lately so i think that is okay. but some people are like whatthefuck. you should not be happy! and im like UH?

but like i guess everything is kosher because everybody is turning the blind eye on everything. and so earth is mad and shifting around and the water is mad so its sloshing around and the birds are still flying, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

i decided i dont want to write anymore today. bitchassness. this post is stupid. disregard.

if thats not love then i am misinformed.

you have me stuck and caught and lost and wrought. fuck you are beautiful and fuck you are interesting and fuck you are distracting and fuck i need you. and i hate the minute i must inform you that your purpose is not what you had in mind because i think you forgot and i am just as fucked up as you and you are just as fucked up as me and thats why we are so fucking fantastic together. we are so so magnificent and when it is us i wish i could shatter like a mirror and you could see what you do for me. 

my dilemma

i love smoking cigarettes. mainly because they make me look cool. also because my body craves them. someone once said that is called an addiction. i hate running. but someone once said that fat people do not run. thus, to avoid fatness, one must run. this directly interferes with my smoking addiction. and so i am torn between the two things i love and hate.
because everytime i run i feel like a fire is starting in my lungs and spewing acid into my chest and throat and as soon as i finish my stupid run the only thing that can bring me down is a cigarette and the cycle begins again.


this is my life.