DONT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY

but
YOU ALL FUCKING SUCK HAHAHAHA


they just dont make them like they use to


if i could pick a year to live in forever
that year would be 2007


because the explosions and the terror holds nothing on everything else and on that note i am drinking xbt which i purchased because nobody else bought it for months so it is probably expired 


and i just realized. others 


what the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON 
one person just got pissed at me for... i actually dont know. the idiot whos suppose to have my back is having a fucking ball TIME OF YOUR LIFE way to be there fuckingpieceofshit


you know what? fuck em. none of you are worht shit. all decency died in 2007.


PS DAN I DONT WANT YOUR SHITTY ASS ECSTACY TOO BAD I AM NOT AS BIG A DERELICT AS I LOOK LIKE I AM HOW ABOUT SOME OTHER BRAIN WASTERS THANKS. fucccccccccck. all this fucking money im ready to throw at you and your idiot ass says ex. motherfucker.

i am only happy when it is cold.

it is the weekend remember when i say im working for the weekend baby what i meant to say is I HAVE NO LIFE OR PURPOSE. i hate drinking alone. oh but i also hate being alone so its all irrelevant. 
dont you hate when your favorite people leave? makes you want to cut your face off. i wish it was 60 degrees where i am at. i wish i could wear pretty clothes. summer clothes isnt pretty its tacky. kitsch. and nothing screams HAPPINESS more than a long sleeve or a hoodie.


i wonder if what i am going through right now is karma kicking my face in. but i have been very nice lately. do you know what the secret number is? ten. do you know when the last time that number was altered? march. do you know how desperately i want to change that number? A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. 
theres a place where the sun always shines that sounds pleasant. i read about some grizzly bear attacking some dude in ohio today. bears are the number one rising terrorists in this country. and russia.


my karma is off. i wonder if i could fix this. it is probably too late.


theres nothing left in sv anyways. mr i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t is too independent for my taste. in fact everybody is. unless i can manipulate you in a way that i dont HAVE to ask you what youre doing then i am not interested. i want to be with myself. that would be true love. oh yea. i was told that four days out of the week of sex is excessive. also, it feels like hes being raped when i come onto him. i guess when im not subtly saying "hey, are you going to fuck me tonight?" and i go for the subtle grab for the dick it comes off as overly aggressive.
i am never going to be 21 again. my tits will never be this perky. my ass will never be this fantastic again! i guess this is counterproductive, writing this shit on a public blog eh.
i wonder how much it would cost to move all my shit? i wonder how fast i have to drive my car into a wall to go into a coma? if im in a coma guys PULL THE PLUG. cus i wanna feel it.

wake me up when 2010 ends.

okay so a lot is going on its like my brain is going a mile per hour last night i had a huge long discussion on things. this morning i was running late to work so no breakfast and now i am dying i could probably go across the street to subway but it would throw my entire day out of whack so no. my shoes are cutting the top of my foot off and its finally friday! 

fuck this shit im drinking a forty this is my two weeks notice BITCCCH

i kid it is only watermelon juice guys chill out

ohhai there. i think i am an alien supdog.

today i got a call from the team lead of the company i was trying to apply for. i told him im at work but i can talk at four so i may or may not be getting that job! hopefully i can start off making a lot more than i am here now. plus id be working with a different platform that the army is transitioning to anyways so theres some job security to be gained. i'd go tdy a lot for two weeks at a time so theres always something new to look forward to. sure i wont have my comfort zone i have here but ive noticed that ive become super comfort zone oriented im like terrified of new shit. its really shitty. 
im going to try to take some time today and be proactive about next weeks bullshit. is it semptember yet? 
i dont know why i want time to fly by i am old enough now to know nothing better is waiting on the other side of today. it's just human nature i guess. maybe things will be different now i still think not.

escritorio! dedo!

LISTEN TO ME.

something strange is happening. i am uncertain to proceed. i am unfamiliar with this territory. my eyes are burning and i have a fading headache. i have been given a metaphorical key and i hold a separate metaphorical set of keys. i could have everything and nothing and i could have nothing and everything and it is crucial to understand these are completely different from each other.
my body aches for all the wrong reasons and i have not accomplished what i set out to do. 


i had a whole idea of something to write about. childhood issues. my parents forcing abstinence down my throat. rape issues. being raped by someone i trusted. several times. sex issues. everything being melded together. i think i am freud's wet dream. i am more perverted than you is all i am saying.


running. sweating. sex. lies. cooking. independence. sheds. degrees. dogs. pools. if i tried i couldnt even describe it. 


in order to have effective creative writing you need to be as ambiguous as fucking possible. the less people understand the better. this is my pseudo diary. for everyone to read and a proxy bff4l hoffhoffhoff
what i write stays contained here. what i write here is MINE. i dont care if you like it i dont care if you love i dont care if you read it i am not here for you. THIS IS MY ESCAPE. 


right now everybody is confusing me. a lot. people keep saying shit and i think they expect me to understand it, like an inside joke. but i don't. this applies to you! right now only one person is making sense to me. 
it is time for rest because i am working for the weekend baby.

i guess it is the end.

STOP READING MY FUCKING SHIT JESUS CHRIST MAN.

you still havent choked me.

so i guess the last stryker brigade is pulling out of iraq or officially did whatever. personally for me iraq makes me think good things. im a bit sad to see it go but eh. 'even if i stayed things just wouldnt be the saaaaame' 

this just isn't love, it's just the remorse of a loss of a feeling.
even if i stayed it just wouldn't be the same.
double this drink up into the, tallest glass you got.
you know i aint used to sleeping all, alone.
gonna make it to the moon tonight on a one way kamikaze flight.
if i could get so high i'll leave behind my problems
take em out with the empty bottles.

i love against me because toms voice is heaven sent. 

hey let me tell you a little story about how this job and work place are pissing me off. the job itself is easy except for the next two weeks which I hear will be hell. And therin lies the problem apparently the lady kim? or maybe it was jami i dont know either way they got pissed about something me and mason were talking about or i guess joking about. i was clowning on my salary and how everybody else makes like forty grand more than me. and he was just complaining about his job. apparently the hammer fell on him for that and he gave me the heads up about it this morning. as he was talking i was reminded of the office episode where michael tells everyone that they can no longer be friends and he will not be sending out funny email forwards anymore. they always left me satisfied!

i gave my resume to mason and hes going to send it up to his wife who works at the company i originally wanted to work for. i have to keep perpetuating this good vibe until i get what i want i guess. im still working on that two weeks notice. i think a few of the things that are fucking gay about this job are:

1. everybody has an individual office except me and mason and earl who work in this like, center office area. we're in the back so that's nice but uh an office? that's like elite status. i don't care that most of my work day is spent blogging, rearranging my pens, counting the keys on my keyboard, blahsyblahsyblah.

2. i hate when people talk about what the army does when they either have never been in the army or have not been in the army for ten years. 

3. theres this creepy mexican that works here he is short and he is slimy looking. everytime i look up he is staring at me and when i walk past him he doesnt even bother hiding his looking at my ass. it feels like rape.

 there was more but its taken me all morning to finish writing this.

ugh. my brain is on lock right now. ill write more later or something.

some might say that sunshine follows thunder go and tell it to the man who cannot shine

some might say that we should never ponder 
on our thoughts today cus they will sway over time 
some might say we will find a brighter day 
some might say we will find a brighter day 


i am a sleeze haha i was perfectly content with never cleaning this apartment over the next three weeks but i walked in today and was going to heat up an early dinner but no i could not because theres an ecosystem trying to move in so i freaked out took out a shit ton of trash, disassembled my stove, almost died from suffocating on 409 fumes and tackled the mound of clothes on my closet-bed. hello i am marilyn and i have a cleaning disorder. theres a bit more that needs tending but i managed to depress myself in the clothes department. i need to clean my rat too. i wonder if its even alive. probably. it is like me, will continue to exist no matter how much my surroundings are deteriorating. 
if you are ever in a non spectacular mood i suggest listening to oasis by the way liam g has a dopamine releasing voice i think. 


anybody that use to know me knows i use to advocate being perfectly comfortable with being alone cus everybody i knew was like incapable of sitting alone or something. i still stand by my belief. just do not do it for a prolonged amount of time. it is going to be a canned soup and sriracha kind of night. 

oh and happy birthday to tmg. im glad he got m&ms for his birthday. 




some might say they don't believe in heaven
go and tell it to the man who lives in hell
some might say you get what you've been given
if you don't get yours i won't get mine as well
some might say we will find a brighter day
some might say we will find a brighter day 

shits shitty.

hello world.
i am lost.
please find me.
thanks.


yours truly,


themejj.


today was pretty lame at work. well no let me back up and talk about how mason came up to me and was like "you got a problem with me?" and i was like ya man wanna fight n he was like no, i mean seriously, do you really have a problem with me and im like UH NO WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS? i guess k who just got back from afghanistan went up to him and was like 'you are a negative influence to esther' blahblah it really fucked up his day because he was super catty after we talked about it. i think everyone is getting annoyed with him constantly challenging what they tell him to do. it was an awkward position to be put in actually cus i am trying to remain 1) neutral and 2) out of everyones eyesight. i even hate going to get water! 
it doesn't really matter too much because i think i'll be putting in my two weeks notice here soon. i was hoping to do it next week but i may have to speed up my process. on the flip side i have to also figure out what my next steps are. it's all very difficult.


whoa i just wrote some hateful shit but i decided not to post it because you know what I CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.


all im going to say is
WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

none of those lines seemed to be about you or me.

i just got done talking to jami for like over an hour. she asked me if i had done something and instead of being an idiot and saying 'what does that mean' i said no and she went on to explain it anyways and that i would have to do it before friday and then by some luck of word smithing she realized i had already done the task at hand so then she was all giddy. work: 0, svengali: 1.
apparently i have lost one of my good friends today so a moment of silence please. aint no sunshine when hes aroundddddddddddd. you can say that again, non billwithers. 
other than that, my life continues to be mildly boring and only amusing to uh no one. i think i am going to be deleting my online profiles for good. i dont know what ill do instead but i need to take a step back right now and stop living in this cushioned fake life. i want real again. i want to feel. but do not be confused. i want to feel something you dont know. 
it was... interesting? while it lasted. the act of caring for another human is cool. probably does not make for a good hobbie and it brings too much baggage. call me a bitch, tell me i think i am high and mighty and self absorbed, i dont fucking care. i look down on everybody. YES I DO THINK I AM FUCKING BETTER THAN YOU and there are several reasons as to why. ive had people ask me why i think i am better than them and how i can judge them, blahblah. if you care so much that i am "judging" you, THERE IS YOUR REASON FUCK FACE. 
a real person wouldnt give a shit. they would either continue to ignore whatever 'judgment' call i just made or they would walk away that simple. so in the future, this is why. dont ask me why. if you are on my level, my wavelength if you will, then thats it. no need to further discuss it. you wont be offended if i laugh at you or call you a slut (because you know you are). 


you exist.
i exist.
we know each other and therefore a relationship exists.
i owe you NOTHING.
and you have made it clear you owe me nothing.


i can be the most interesting most charming most beautiful person youve ever met but you wont mean a fucking thing to me. thats the only way you can have it. 

everyone around me is freaking out because of next weeks impending chaos i guess i must be languor. ataraxia? who knows. things can go any way right now and i am not fighting it anymore mainly because i cant but because its ineffectual. ill be typing up my two weeks notice between now and today. 

who wants to be my just-in-case roommate? I DONT HAVE FLEAS hohoho

youll be someone you wouldnt understand

OH HI THERE

hello michael
how are you? do you enjoy reading my every thought even though you said you didnt care about what i wrote, before?
are you getting enough fuel out of it to get so pissed at me you dont give a fuck anymore?
i would say its too late to care when you're already pissed at someone but what to do i know. i hope you find what youre looking for here, an insight at a boring life where the worst i do it talk to people ill probably never see again about the boring ins and outs of my life.


looking forward to your next call.
apologies for restraining myself in every aspect of my life except for my stupid blog. in highsight, i probably shouldve deleted every online account i own and dropped off the grid- blogs are stupid anyways!


anticipatively,


EM

your genetics are the best part of us.

GAH. i am still feeling melancholy lately. HOLY SHIT there is a wendys commercial with some stupid bitch and a stupid ginger and the ginger keeps saying PICO DE GALLO and i seriously want to cut him. how could wendys possibly think that commercial would be a good idea to entice people to eat your stupid square meat patties? IN WHAT UNIVERSE DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

today i was a little busy at work. i finally got my resume about 90% complete. now i just need to go back and try to add more spectacular accomplishments apparently i have erased the past four years out of my life so this is pretty difficult. i had three different meetings and next week i will be in perpetual user testings which means me and a team of others will be trying to break the program to find any problems very boring. supposedly a lot of over time so i get to be at the most boring place doing the most boring things for a boring amount of time.

so i got off work and decided i needed to get out if even for a few minutes so i hit the store up for some one hundred fifty dollar retail therapy. i finally bought a pair of brown boots! IFUCKINGLOVESHOPPING. i have so much clothes it is seriously ridiculous especially given how much i DONT go out but maybe i will change that? i can be so fucking extreme and social it makes people on the other side of the world blow up. if anybody wants to move to arizona and be my best friend, i have free cigarettes! 

in other news. i am eating lentils, brown rice and sriracha tacos. 

my best sister has been feeling a little down lately. i wish i could cheer her up because sometimes i think she is like my doppelganger or whatever because i am so like her and sometimes i race whoever is in front of me and cut them off right before my next turn or sometimes ill say something testy to see what someones reaction will be. its not healthy. 

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TWO FUCKING HOURS LATER

i just got done fighting on the god damn phone for two fucking hours and i pretty much was told im immature crazy selfish i cant say i love you a roommate that im a golddigger oh and im being left blahsyblahsyblah I FUCKING SUCK YEAH I KNOW I GET IT 

i have no solution. i am alone. i need to change my point of view on things. i need to stop caring. i need to find my center again. i need to be get pushed back. i need a god damn miracle. i feel like shit. my chest hurts. its late. i want shit to be simple and i want to be complex again.

i hate when i do something for someone, something nice. like i make plans to do something nice, or just go out of my way to fucking plan something nice. and it blows up in my face, or something else happens to go terribly wrong and i feel like an idiot for accidentally caring. that is one of the worst feelings to me. i think everybody thinks i have this hard exterior and i am incapable of FEELING. and its probably true most of the time. but it almost never fails man, when i try to do something nice or show that i care things always go wrong.

i did an experiment a while back where i shut down completely so nobody could ever possibly take anything the wrong way and it was nice. it was lonely, but there was no way anybody was going to misconstrue my good intentions. 

like one time, i took someones ring that they left behind and in my head i thought it would be a funny joke to give it back the next day too bad that person turned around and pressed larceny charges against me. that turned me pretty stoney. this world is too fucking selfish to care about and the people dont fucking deserve an ounce of compassion. from the cripples to the drunks to the fucking middle class, to the cheating wife, to the farmers, to the CEOs to the fucking president trying to better a nation that hates him so much they wouldnt understand help if it fucking slit their throat.

na. 

im bitter. im sick of this. i have nowhere to turn short of california. and i am too fucking proud to go to california.  so hello depression, it's been a while.

ya know maybe it was a reaction to the sardines?

can you believe there are still people who have never seen arrested development? OR SEINFELD? or that do not think the office is the hotness? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHY DO I EVEN KNOW THEY EXIST?

pure comical genius.

this is your last chance. if you know me and you dont love these shows, you have 24 hours to change that. hoffhoffhoff. i am so tired i will probably be asleep by seven thirty tonight. it was a crappy day.
i am bored so i am shutting down. good bye america.
.

i am only inspired when i feel like dying oh i mean crying oh i mean did you really think this would last forever?

watching youtube videos made me feel better and then it got boring and then i realized all my friends are dead and i became sad again. i looked to my hero but she is dead too. i wonder if the baby has the brightest bluest eyes that could be used as weapons of mass destruction. i wonder if a pill concoction would be an adequate solution. probably not. there is a formula for all of this! i use to know the formula! I INVENTED THE FUCKING FORMULA!
probably i already knew this but i just discovered i am only lonely. it is deeper than the typical loneliness yeah it's a multifarious loneliness. i could be in a room full of people. tens, hundreds, thousands, millions... i wouldn't only suffocate from virulent claustrophobia but from the lack of apprehension on both sides. id find them all disgusting and pitiful looking desperately to fit in and they would think im a cold bitch. so i leave. and go smoke outside in the night where i can finally breathe. fuck them. i shouldn't have to make myself an idiot so you can understand me and i don't need liquor to make sense. you're fucking disgusting as you go throw up again. i could be sitting at an office alone and feel my chest locking up like i'm under that figurative water surface and i panic. no theres no sense to be found here. obviously my source of energy is moonlighting as polonium on the side. because whether you're around or not I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I AM DYING you are clouding any judgement calls and everyday i am pushing everyone farther and farther away. this trade off is simply not worth it.


all i need is for someone to pull me out.

fuckingcutelittlebastards. & superman?

Correction: three videos. BAHAHAHAHAA

double awesome in yer face.

you've cursed all perfect days as you walked away

it's official. this life is getting lame. 

you're desperate in finding something else to please you

you've been searching your whole life

something to mute, change, or just distract you

something to put inside you to give the illusion of life

because you've always been barely alive

you've always been barely alive

i dont know how to describe it. i also dont know what i would do to fix it. i guess i wont. i stress about the stupid shit. i begin every sentence with the letter i, also. fuck. on saturday i got bored on being bored and figured an appropriate action would be to drive five hours away. i didn't get lost until the end but even then i was okay. on my way back, i was beyond tired i was so tired that i was questioning if maybe i had dozed off, crashed into some fuel truck and died and was having the most boring dream ever about being so tired. it was when that thought crossed my mind that i was like IM DONE I NEED TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW. that was sometime in the early morning. so i found a gas station that looked like i would not get killed/raped. i parked behind it. right next to train tracks. i was literally scared awake four times before i couldnt take it anymore. i was so on the edge that if that fucking train would have scared me awake once more my heart would have exploded into a beautiful mess right there in my honda. i parked next to a mcdonalds play house and slept. 

sunday was pretty nice, short. but nice. at the end of it, i was fairly okay. there was a huge lightning/thunderstorm last night. it did not assist in the sleeping process. but i guess i was so tired i had no choice but to pass out on the couch. 

i was dreading coming into work so much today. i don't want to be here. i don't want to see these people anymore, i am sure theyre nice people but i don't care. i can't think of any job that i would wake up and say HOLY SHIT I AM SO EXCITED which leads me to believe it is not the job, it's me. there's only one person i want to talk to at this exact moment and i can't and i know if i could, it would only be to fight so thats stupid. everything and everyone else is just exhausting. having to force myself to draw some kind of emotion to fit into what theyre saying. i cant even understand them to begin with. maybe it is time i leave this life behind and readjust my disposition. 

my work clothes are ugly today even though ive worn this exact outfit before it looks ugly today! my eyes are pretty much on fire again as always. my chest is still recovering from the mass smoke fest i had in my car. 

needless to say i am almost starting to feel like i did in korea except with 100% more freedom. don't be too surprised if tomorrow i end up in jail because i walked into some hospital and stole a few cases of epinephrine. 

also i may write a less depressing post later. 

they say you only live once but i'm willing to challenge this belief.

i have been really bored today. all week i fantasized about the sleep i would have today but no i woke up at nine am. i feel weird today. ignored, even!


so in order to feel alive
I AM CROSSING STATE LINES BITCHES!
see ya in a few hours! and wish me luck i do not die on the brutal streets of arizona and new mexico and shit oh and that i do not get lost and end up in some prostitution ring in mexico because i still have to be at work at seven thirty on monday. 
SIGNING OFF THIS IS BONNIE.

whoa.

uggh


anyways do you know whats annoying? any/all of those movies like drumline or dance-your-ass-off, step to me or it or YOU JUST GOT SERVED DOOGGGGGGG
and generally speaking if you like these movies, you fall under the goon category in my book. besides, listen to the music but for god sake LEAVE OUR MOVIES OUT OF IT
synchronized anything is gaygaygaybukake. the only time this is romantically brutal is when it is synchronized suicide and that only counts if you are bonnie and clyde. but back to my original point. why do they continue to make these movies RHETORICAL QUESTION FARLEY. fuck sake people just because it is built does not mean you have to go.

hey mr dj put a record on i want to dance with my baby

oh fuck roseanne is on i am still awake and i kind of went crazier earlier i started dancing around my living room slash the entire studio and then i changed three times because nothing was comfortable enough because it is cold it is hot it is cold it is ohgodyouareasexybeastPHOTO! i almost burned myself a few times so i put the cigaretttte down

when the wind blows the cradle will fall

half there

i was always told the walls have ears

modern day prostitute venus de milo trailer trash project junkie fetish

fuckin chill

when i am bored i do ridiculous things like watch roseasnne light a cigarette pace a little bit.
 check my phone. refresh email. apply chapstick. has my ice melted? 
i dont really miss my old life anymore actually. it was cool but it was stupid. i kind of like the new stuff i have but you know what? it can only get better from here. well maybe not so much in the ghetto. i am pretty sure everytime i step out of my apartment i am going to get raped. i wonder if i can outrun them?