i am only inspired when i feel like dying oh i mean crying oh i mean did you really think this would last forever?

watching youtube videos made me feel better and then it got boring and then i realized all my friends are dead and i became sad again. i looked to my hero but she is dead too. i wonder if the baby has the brightest bluest eyes that could be used as weapons of mass destruction. i wonder if a pill concoction would be an adequate solution. probably not. there is a formula for all of this! i use to know the formula! I INVENTED THE FUCKING FORMULA!
probably i already knew this but i just discovered i am only lonely. it is deeper than the typical loneliness yeah it's a multifarious loneliness. i could be in a room full of people. tens, hundreds, thousands, millions... i wouldn't only suffocate from virulent claustrophobia but from the lack of apprehension on both sides. id find them all disgusting and pitiful looking desperately to fit in and they would think im a cold bitch. so i leave. and go smoke outside in the night where i can finally breathe. fuck them. i shouldn't have to make myself an idiot so you can understand me and i don't need liquor to make sense. you're fucking disgusting as you go throw up again. i could be sitting at an office alone and feel my chest locking up like i'm under that figurative water surface and i panic. no theres no sense to be found here. obviously my source of energy is moonlighting as polonium on the side. because whether you're around or not I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I AM DYING you are clouding any judgement calls and everyday i am pushing everyone farther and farther away. this trade off is simply not worth it.


all i need is for someone to pull me out.