your genetics are the best part of us.

GAH. i am still feeling melancholy lately. HOLY SHIT there is a wendys commercial with some stupid bitch and a stupid ginger and the ginger keeps saying PICO DE GALLO and i seriously want to cut him. how could wendys possibly think that commercial would be a good idea to entice people to eat your stupid square meat patties? IN WHAT UNIVERSE DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

today i was a little busy at work. i finally got my resume about 90% complete. now i just need to go back and try to add more spectacular accomplishments apparently i have erased the past four years out of my life so this is pretty difficult. i had three different meetings and next week i will be in perpetual user testings which means me and a team of others will be trying to break the program to find any problems very boring. supposedly a lot of over time so i get to be at the most boring place doing the most boring things for a boring amount of time.

so i got off work and decided i needed to get out if even for a few minutes so i hit the store up for some one hundred fifty dollar retail therapy. i finally bought a pair of brown boots! IFUCKINGLOVESHOPPING. i have so much clothes it is seriously ridiculous especially given how much i DONT go out but maybe i will change that? i can be so fucking extreme and social it makes people on the other side of the world blow up. if anybody wants to move to arizona and be my best friend, i have free cigarettes! 

in other news. i am eating lentils, brown rice and sriracha tacos. 

my best sister has been feeling a little down lately. i wish i could cheer her up because sometimes i think she is like my doppelganger or whatever because i am so like her and sometimes i race whoever is in front of me and cut them off right before my next turn or sometimes ill say something testy to see what someones reaction will be. its not healthy. 

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TWO FUCKING HOURS LATER

i just got done fighting on the god damn phone for two fucking hours and i pretty much was told im immature crazy selfish i cant say i love you a roommate that im a golddigger oh and im being left blahsyblahsyblah I FUCKING SUCK YEAH I KNOW I GET IT 

i have no solution. i am alone. i need to change my point of view on things. i need to stop caring. i need to find my center again. i need to be get pushed back. i need a god damn miracle. i feel like shit. my chest hurts. its late. i want shit to be simple and i want to be complex again.

i hate when i do something for someone, something nice. like i make plans to do something nice, or just go out of my way to fucking plan something nice. and it blows up in my face, or something else happens to go terribly wrong and i feel like an idiot for accidentally caring. that is one of the worst feelings to me. i think everybody thinks i have this hard exterior and i am incapable of FEELING. and its probably true most of the time. but it almost never fails man, when i try to do something nice or show that i care things always go wrong.

i did an experiment a while back where i shut down completely so nobody could ever possibly take anything the wrong way and it was nice. it was lonely, but there was no way anybody was going to misconstrue my good intentions. 

like one time, i took someones ring that they left behind and in my head i thought it would be a funny joke to give it back the next day too bad that person turned around and pressed larceny charges against me. that turned me pretty stoney. this world is too fucking selfish to care about and the people dont fucking deserve an ounce of compassion. from the cripples to the drunks to the fucking middle class, to the cheating wife, to the farmers, to the CEOs to the fucking president trying to better a nation that hates him so much they wouldnt understand help if it fucking slit their throat.

na. 

im bitter. im sick of this. i have nowhere to turn short of california. and i am too fucking proud to go to california.  so hello depression, it's been a while.