you're desperate in finding something else to please you
you've been searching your whole life
something to mute, change, or just distract you
something to put inside you to give the illusion of life
because you've always been barely alive
you've always been barely alive
i dont know how to describe it. i also dont know what i would do to fix it. i guess i wont. i stress about the stupid shit. i begin every sentence with the letter i, also. fuck. on saturday i got bored on being bored and figured an appropriate action would be to drive five hours away. i didn't get lost until the end but even then i was okay. on my way back, i was beyond tired i was so tired that i was questioning if maybe i had dozed off, crashed into some fuel truck and died and was having the most boring dream ever about being so tired. it was when that thought crossed my mind that i was like IM DONE I NEED TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW. that was sometime in the early morning. so i found a gas station that looked like i would not get killed/raped. i parked behind it. right next to train tracks. i was literally scared awake four times before i couldnt take it anymore. i was so on the edge that if that fucking train would have scared me awake once more my heart would have exploded into a beautiful mess right there in my honda. i parked next to a mcdonalds play house and slept.
sunday was pretty nice, short. but nice. at the end of it, i was fairly okay. there was a huge lightning/thunderstorm last night. it did not assist in the sleeping process. but i guess i was so tired i had no choice but to pass out on the couch.
i was dreading coming into work so much today. i don't want to be here. i don't want to see these people anymore, i am sure theyre nice people but i don't care. i can't think of any job that i would wake up and say HOLY SHIT I AM SO EXCITED which leads me to believe it is not the job, it's me. there's only one person i want to talk to at this exact moment and i can't and i know if i could, it would only be to fight so thats stupid. everything and everyone else is just exhausting. having to force myself to draw some kind of emotion to fit into what theyre saying. i cant even understand them to begin with. maybe it is time i leave this life behind and readjust my disposition.
my work clothes are ugly today even though ive worn this exact outfit before it looks ugly today! my eyes are pretty much on fire again as always. my chest is still recovering from the mass smoke fest i had in my car.
needless to say i am almost starting to feel like i did in korea except with 100% more freedom. don't be too surprised if tomorrow i end up in jail because i walked into some hospital and stole a few cases of epinephrine.
also i may write a less depressing post later.
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