yep.

so im on my way to maryland tomorrow morning for about a month. a touch nervous about traveling/flying since its so close to the new year and bad feelings and such but im sure itll be okay. (famous last words.)
im sure my packing sucks so im just gonna stop trying.
let see. its 2012 so this is my first post of the year. cool.
i got to see my family over christmas and it was the greatest feeling ever.
now i must rest.

womp womp womp

i dont believe in zodiac signs shit but its always cool when something is spot on. 
when reading the shit for sagittarius it makes me want to punch a slag in the face.

la tristesse durera toujours.

you were a child crawling on your knees toward it making momma so proud but your voice is too loud

lately ive been feeling more and thinking and shit. i miss the shit out of my parents. i did a bunch of stuff when i was deployed to make me feel better about pretty much leaving them because i couldnt stand being near them. now i wish i could bake them shit and hug my mom and get in stupid arguments. its probably because im surrounded by a bunch of hispanic moms. hispanic moms are different than other moms. they have a special touch that bleeds on to everyone they interact with. theyre more patient and wise. like my mom. some chicks have daddy complexes. i have a mom complex. everywhere i go i latch on to anyone that can be a mother figure. its not that i didnt have my mom (like my mom didnt have her mom) but its moreso that i feel i didnt truly enjoy her as a kid. took her for granted and when i ran off to the army, my mentality was to not look back. stupid as it may sound, so it goes. 
i dont know where i was going with that. 


another thing i recently established. i feel unfulfilled and alone because at the age of 23, im making money that i should be making in my 40s. theres not too many people my age that have the money of someone older and the responsibilities of someone younger. most of them have kids or debt. or no money. and the older demographic is boring and dont share any interests and assume im just making mistakes. 
so where to go, where to go. 

fuck a duck.

im in texas.
i am being evaluated today.
i am severely bloated.
i have horrible cramps.
i left my stupid tylenol in the classroom.
i am about to throw up from how much pain im in.
i am eating cheerios with bananas for breakfast.


but i cant. because i feel sick. motherfuck me.

fuck a duck.

im in texas.
i am being evaluated today.
i am severely bloated.
i have horrible cramps.
i left my stupid tylenol in the classroom.
i am about to throw up from how much pain im in.
i am eating cheerios with bananas for breakfast.


but i cant. because i feel sick. motherfuck me.

like omg.

--redacted-- :)

the day.

the day that i have to write an essay in the real life work field and for some reason have to cite my scholarly journal sources, i will blow my stupid brains out. 
for the past like six weeks my life has revolved around writing essays, drafts, scholarly journals and apa/mla formatting. having worked in "the real world" for the past six years and mainly dealt with military intelligence and writing stupid memos for the government i find most of this writing to be... gaybies.
the thing is, i KNOW this is just in the here and now. nobody cares about it aside from professors and annoying people who criticize grammar on public forums (see: any yahoo news article). it doesnt make this whole process any less incredibly-fucking-stupid, annoying, uuugghh.
on the flip side my writing's self esteem has become incredibly bloated cus i get a lot of compliments in the "passion behind my writing". the problem with that is i'm really, really, REALLY apathetic when it comes to shit. i mean, there are very few things i give a shit about enough to research and then write three pages about it. additionally, i also have this horrible ability to argue any and every side. so let's say i start talking about legalizing pot- (this actually happened in an english essay) halfway through, i inadvertently switch sides and i end up opposing the opposite view and then i'm all mind fucked all over the place. whatever. the point is, i probably have arthritis now. 
right now im supposed to be writing an essay for psychology. its no big deal, just pick a scholarly journal and a topic dealing with psychology and point out a few things, etc. it was due three weeks ago. i stupidly went up to my professor and asked her how bad not turning in the essay would affect my grade and she coerced me into turning it in late. that was about a week ago. after a long weekend i decided to sit down and at least start writing this thing. as you can see, i've become distracted. the cool thing about procrastinating is that i get a lot of other shit that i've been putting off, done. so, i dont want to do laundry but i definitely dont want to write this essay. the lesser of the two evils is washing a load of laundry. win, win. 
i told myself that if i dont finish this essay tonight, i will have to take up rigorous exercise. because if i dont pass this semester or get a degree, i will need to have a good toned body to fall back on cus nobody can love a retarded failure that cant write an essay thats already three weeks late.
fml. 

twenty seconds to comply.

if you never rely on anybody or anything you'll never be disappointed or surprised.

calm before the storm

in a few weeks my niece is going to be leaving and thats when im going to have to make that jump i think. its ridiculous just how shitty this situation is, regardless of how depressed/identity-less i am, or if i'm back to normal and content in life. 

its really annoying when i think about how fucking alone i am when it should be different. who the fuck gets married to just become isolated? or celibate? or have a nazi roommate? 

everyday its something new lately. which wouldnt be an issue if it were something pertaining to something of a unity. but nope. country music- the only genre i cannot fucking stand. watching the news- even though ive been literally YELLED at for talking about the news. (yeah? what kind of fucking psycho yells at someone for wanting to discuss the goddamned current events? A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH)

it's basically like he is growing and i'm staying behind. which would be fine, if he wasnt a giant pussy and would let me know what the fuck is going on. but no, instead i'm checking the classified looking if anybody needs a roommate and trying to find a storage unit for all my shit that wont be going immediately with me wherever i end up. 

i might not know much in this huge ass world. but i know i am never making this idiotic mistake again.

ive been so many places. ive seen so many faces. but nothing compares to these blue and yellow purple hills

somtimes shit gets so stupid that i am like maybe there is fresher air somewhere else and lately thats how im feeling. but before i get too deep i want to say that

I AM NOW ENROLLED IN MOTHERFUCKIN' COLLEGE!

so its only a matter of time before i start getting paid to say the things i say now but dont get paid for. basically all the hard parts are over with. i aced my placement test and i'm in the two classes i'm most interested in for now. ive had my oldest niece staying with me for the summer which has been awesome. anyways. back to my original thought. things here are not getting better. theyre getting lamer. which i actually thought was not possible. ive tried thinking that maybe i can force myself to be happy in this boring and loveless life im in but nah. jami had a pertinent quote today: "remove the rock from your shoe rather than learn to limp comfortably". from the end of 2008 til about the beginning of 2011, i was in a shit storm of a depression. no matter what, i failed and sucked at life. i could be getting high, getting drunk, hanging with the fams, hanging with my besties, didnt matter. it was like eating the best fucking chocolate cake ever but it tastes like warm water. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW FUCKING ANNOYING THAT IS? and i knew i could get out of it. that was the worst part. so i tried harder and harder with every fail thinking that maybe that would be the thing that bumped me back into my smooth road. eventually i realized what i had to do and it meant i had to use some people. "everybody is using somebody for something". that all started in 2010. 

theres a person in my life who for some reason i decided to share my life with. he's the only person that is really capable of fucking up my day. which is a shame because he fucks up my life. even when things are "good", they're not. they're stale and lifeless. it's like getting a chance to fuck james roday and you find out he's a horrible lay. basically, living this life is walking around with rocks in my shoes. a bunch of them. all of these rocks. some of jagged, others make me itch, some are okay, i could deal with it but only if there wasnt like 90 other rocks annoying the shit out of me. so for the past few years, ive been limping around. for a while, i was so so sad about the rocks in my shoes. so sad, in fact, that i stopped being myself. and everything kept going bad. if i tried to be pretty, i was still ugly. if i cared too much, i was oppressing. if i cared too little, well then i drifted away and things got too bad. i dont know. all i know now is that there is no solution here. 

but through my own brilliant genius i was able to stop being gay and things are a lot better now. if you dont care about something, it cannot phase you. so, by that logic, i control what is going to affect me. "take the power away". haha "whenever i get sad i stop being sad and start being awesome".

and then theres some people in my life who are surprisingly pleasant to have around and i feel crazy for not having them around more and for longer. but patience is a virtue and everything happens for a reason. all i know is that i cant stand living with someone so boring, so unlike me, so angry all the time, so unaffectionate and passionless and incredibly selfish. and i refuse to waste more opportunities thinking its somehow my fault.

things or soon to be happenings.

it seems like there is never any time to do anything. i remember days used to last weeks. there was ample time to play, talk, sleep, eat, make messes and have someone clean it up. not anymore. i always wake up late and im rushing and then im late and then im here and even here at work i dont feel at peace and then its time to go home and theres always somewhere to go or something to do and all the unfinished things and blahblahblah. no time. then its time to sleep and do the whole shit over again. where do people with several kids find the time to do ANYTHING?

ive been thinking a lot lately probably because i am not a depressed douchebag. theres a few things i want to do this year

like start school. i have an awesome idea for my life. i want to become a therapist or psychologist assisting veterans with PTSD. i would love to open my own practice, actually.

also i want to run. id love to be a runner. not like marathons and shit. the army made me hate running since waking up at 5 in the fucking morning and standing around for half an hour, then stretching with 5-100 other people and THEN going for a run where we all have to stay in a formation, is NOT my cup of tea. that gives me the opposite of a hard on. to do that, i have to stop smoking. or severely cut back. which might be one of the hardest fucking things ill do since i totally enjoy smoking. 

id love to paint for an entire day

id love to learn to draw awesomely.

etc

etcetc

etc

e

c

t

the way you move that body

so i have decided to make an effort to get a stupid degree because the current career field i am in actually pays me for every degree i have and one is better than none. apparently its really annoying to get into college. i bet that the actual college work is not difficult but i will be so drained from trying to get in that i will be too tweaked out to focus. no, i am lying. i have barely tried to get this accomplished but its still pretty annoying.

anyways i finally made a five year plan. its probably really far fetched but we will see in five years.

crazy is what crazy does

--redacted-- 

ghey.

my stupid town is on fire and every other day someone starts up a panic and talks about mandatory evacuations. if my shit burns down, i will be so pissed off.

the days are cold living without you

im glad i have some vivid memories of the past six months
my heart hasnt felt the same since april.
a day doesnt go by without this huge weight setting down heavily on my chest


ha, that last weekend we went to tombstone out of nowhere. it wasnt suppose to happen but it did. maybe it was the worlds way of making things happen. those last few moments i guess. nothing exciting anyways. there was this abandoned home. couldnt break in because we werent there to make a mess, just photograph. i wanted this license plate but i was reminded that we take nothing, leave nothing. whatever, whatever, whatever. i crawled into some little shed and looked at the tool bags and a box of spoons and forks. they were over across the street and down some small hill already, trespassing through some tall brush towards an abandoned and wrecked old car. there were some basketballs and such around there too. while they were talking i noticed some old man watching us. so we left. and back to the car and back to looking for nothing. we passed the church with the Jesus bust again. you could obviously tell he was sick but fuck. he was a fucking soldier and i asked him if he was okay and of course he was. 
something about all of this is making life incredibly hard and no matter what level of happiness i am able to find i wont ever be the same. 
i miss you so fucking much brother. 

them.

how long will they mourn me
every muthafuckin day homie,
you stayed down when the other niggas didnt know me
from my heart to the trigga, you my fuckin nigga
and things won't be the same without ya nigga.


:) <3

goodbye blue monday.

im beginning to recluse and the people around me are beginning to look more disgusting. i could use a dose nowdays.

what ive got.

ive got nobody.
everything that i once held dear and would protect with my fucking blood, and the people who stayed close to my heart were quick to forget. anybody can smile and have some drinks and dance a night away. who would you take a bullet for? truly collapse and breathe your last breath to protect. who would drive a couple state lines to see you? who would tell you that coughing up blood is not right? who would save your life? who would cry for days and weeks and months after your passing? anybody can lie and anyone can swear youll be there for each other until the end of time.
anyways.
the point is i got nobody. there is a good chance you got nobody, too. i think probably thats why some people have children. they know that the kid will always be there for them and its something to throw themselves into whole-heartedly. what i got is my book of life and a few characters that are in a few chapters. characters of no loyalty. blood and water. all the same. no loyalty. "theres always tomorrow"-mentality. one day for one of us tomorrow wont show up to her appointment and one of us with have to bear that weight on our shoulder. 

sometimes you wake up and you just know.

maybe i am being hopeful but it feels like the purpose to things is beginning to shrink. i dont mean to sound like a pussy poet or something but its kind of beautiful when you can see things objectively and when you can have some clarity. things will always be the way they are. everyone (including me!) says happiness is a state of mind. what if your mind has been corrupted? theres pills that can fix that shit. i have this problem when i have pills in front of me. i have to take them. i get so fucking high. so when that happens- your mind being corrupted- you have to stay on your toes and keep your mind sharp. cant let it get too far.
but sometimes
it gets too far
and next thing you know youre completely underneath all the thoughts.


i dont know. someone once told me they wished they could turn their emotions off like i can. i wish i could turn my thoughts off. maybe thats why i have that love affair with the pharms. all i know is i wasnt meant to stick around here this long. im not meant for this place. and i am a little curious for something new and exciting.