somtimes shit gets so stupid that i am like maybe there is fresher air somewhere else and lately thats how im feeling. but before i get too deep i want to say that
I AM NOW ENROLLED IN MOTHERFUCKIN' COLLEGE!
so its only a matter of time before i start getting paid to say the things i say now but dont get paid for. basically all the hard parts are over with. i aced my placement test and i'm in the two classes i'm most interested in for now. ive had my oldest niece staying with me for the summer which has been awesome. anyways. back to my original thought. things here are not getting better. theyre getting lamer. which i actually thought was not possible. ive tried thinking that maybe i can force myself to be happy in this boring and loveless life im in but nah. jami had a pertinent quote today: "remove the rock from your shoe rather than learn to limp comfortably". from the end of 2008 til about the beginning of 2011, i was in a shit storm of a depression. no matter what, i failed and sucked at life. i could be getting high, getting drunk, hanging with the fams, hanging with my besties, didnt matter. it was like eating the best fucking chocolate cake ever but it tastes like warm water. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW FUCKING ANNOYING THAT IS? and i knew i could get out of it. that was the worst part. so i tried harder and harder with every fail thinking that maybe that would be the thing that bumped me back into my smooth road. eventually i realized what i had to do and it meant i had to use some people. "everybody is using somebody for something". that all started in 2010.
theres a person in my life who for some reason i decided to share my life with. he's the only person that is really capable of fucking up my day. which is a shame because he fucks up my life. even when things are "good", they're not. they're stale and lifeless. it's like getting a chance to fuck james roday and you find out he's a horrible lay. basically, living this life is walking around with rocks in my shoes. a bunch of them. all of these rocks. some of jagged, others make me itch, some are okay, i could deal with it but only if there wasnt like 90 other rocks annoying the shit out of me. so for the past few years, ive been limping around. for a while, i was so so sad about the rocks in my shoes. so sad, in fact, that i stopped being myself. and everything kept going bad. if i tried to be pretty, i was still ugly. if i cared too much, i was oppressing. if i cared too little, well then i drifted away and things got too bad. i dont know. all i know now is that there is no solution here.
but through my own brilliant genius i was able to stop being gay and things are a lot better now. if you dont care about something, it cannot phase you. so, by that logic, i control what is going to affect me. "take the power away". haha "whenever i get sad i stop being sad and start being awesome".
and then theres some people in my life who are surprisingly pleasant to have around and i feel crazy for not having them around more and for longer. but patience is a virtue and everything happens for a reason. all i know is that i cant stand living with someone so boring, so unlike me, so angry all the time, so unaffectionate and passionless and incredibly selfish. and i refuse to waste more opportunities thinking its somehow my fault.
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