this is what it feels like

so i suppose we're reaching the end and it's calm. i hope it stays like that. i couldnt hold on much longer, see.

a test of myself.

so i started working out earlier this month. this is week three. whereas ultimately i want to "lose weight", it's a lot more than that. i've always heard people say that working out and eating healthy is amazing. you lose weight (duh), feel more energy, sleep better, skin looks healthier, blahblah. i want to test it out. obviously i'm not doing it to prove it wrong and turn around and eat some spaghetti-os. whatever i do here now, i plan on keeping it for the rest of my life. just less obsessively. i'm still trying to get the hang of it. even though ive read just about everything there is to "weight loss", some things you read so often they lose their meaning. "drink more water". no shit. i ONLY drink water (and coffee) the only way i could drink more water is if i hooked myself to an IV 24/7. but somehow i cannot seem to "drink more water". it's a science- i understand that. consume less calories/fat, burn more through exercise. 

the first two weeks were 40 mins total of cardio and about 45mins of different machines, targeting different areas. that got me sore everyday and ready for the next 2 weeks of straight cardio everyday. 30 mins elliptical/bike/etc, 30 mins interval running on the treadmill. 

as far as food goes, i've been eating some kind of breakfast daily, snacks throughout the day and lunch and a small dinner. i try to incorporate as much black beans and spinach into everything because for some reason those are the two things i know will never lead me astray. i'm desperately trying to make sure i dont eat anything past 730/8 at the latest. last night i failed at that and felt miserable.

so thats whats up. what i have to show for it? nothing so far. haven't lost a single pound. in fact, i've fluctuated but only up. 

i am constantly tired/exhausted. my skin hasn't changed much. though, this does force me to wash my face of makeup in the afternoon so i don't sleep with makeup on. i sleep hard, wake up during the night a bunch cus i have to piss and i wake up tired every morning. i have the same level of energy as always. and the only difference is now i have 2 hours less in my day to do anything and i'm doing laundry every other day. 

so... here we are. am i frustrated? fuck yes.

am i worried that i wont lose a pound even if i do this for a year? yes.

honestly... i have no fucking clue when i'll see any kind of result but i'm getting impatient. the only thing that keeps me going is that theres a possibility that ill see results "next week" and if i stop now, ill want to start again in a few weeks and think about how far i could've been if i stuck it out now.

also it doesnt help having a husband who eats like a fat ass 24/7. that part is one of the most frustrating things ever. i was a size 3 jeans when i met him. fucks sake.

immune system? whats that?

IM SICK!
im pretty sure going to the gym today will be about 75% worse than going to the gym any other day. sadness ensues.

a little feminist in the morning.

The following day, I attended a workshop about preventing gender violence, facilitated by Katz. There, he posed a question to all of the men in the room: “Men, what things do you do to protect yourself from being raped or sexually assaulted?”

Not one man, including myself, could quickly answer the question. Finally, one man raised his hand and said, “Nothing.” Then Katz asked the women, “What things do you do to protect yourself from being raped or sexually assaulted?” Nearly all of the women in the room raised their hand. One by one, each woman testified:

“I don’t make eye contact with men when I walk down the street,” said one.
“I don’t put my drink down at parties,” said another.
“I use the buddy system when I go to parties.”
“I cross the street when I see a group of guys walking in my direction.”
“I use my keys as a potential weapon.”

The women went on for several minutes, until their side of the blackboard was completely filled with responses. The men’s side of the blackboard was blank. I was stunned. I had never heard a group of women say these things before. I thought about all of the women in my life—including my mother, sister and girlfriend—and realized that I had a lot to learn about gender. —  Why I Am A Male Feminist.

the world in brief.

i hate when people talk about the news. because i hate the news. then people complain about the news but continue to watch it. people do this in every facet of their lives. bitch about politicians but continue to contribute to that cause. they complain about how much x-celebrity makes but they go to watch their movies, buy their dvds, pick up a tabloid, whatever. i stopped watching the news around dec 2006. it was before i knew i would be deploying. i was sitting in my shop in 4 id and the master sergeant had some news on. they were talking about the surge and i felt sick to my stomach. after that, it was a rare thing for me to remotely give a shit about the news. the news lies. and they make people panic and feel anxious about shit they have absolutely no fucking control over. 

i say, get as informed as you possibly can and then let the anxiety make you more stressed and worried about your finances, your job, your family, your nation, your health. worry really fucking hard. because the more you worry the closer you are to the heart attack that will take you away from the shit youre worried about and extra bonus! you take *some* burden off the tax payers. except that the whore down the street who has 7 kids with another on the way and no concern about birth control will cancel out ANY good you might have done by dying.

what brings me to this? i got bored at work (waiting for some assholes to show up to get my work on)

i checked out the google news.
Quran burning angers Afghans; US vows probe: simple solution. hey assholes, stop burning qurans. this is the equivalent to them as an islamic man coming and raping kids. youd be pissed too, am i right? how fucking hard is it to NOT disrespect another fucking human? shoot him in the face, cool. but piss on his god? fuck off.

Chris Brown, Rihanna team up for two remixes: who fucking cares? seriously. he beat her ass (probably deservingly. rihanna strikes me as someone who would annoy the calmest of men...) obviously shes over it. if he beats her again, good. she apparently didnt learn the first time and money seems to be > her pride.

anyways. my bank account hit an all time low due to my stupid little vacation in jan. who wouldve thought being married is infinitely more expensive than being single. ugh. im selling a ton of my shit cus i dont need it and i prefer money over things. then im going to turn around and buy more things.

black coffee. since the blues caught my eye.

good music is born from struggle and passion.

"I haven't been born yet and I already hate my generation and pop music. I wish I wasn't yet born in another era when everyone smoked in the hospital and canned food killed 1/3 of the population."

i used to bitch that my generation had the worst music and the lamest culture. but its only because they dont know what it is to struggle and pour their hearts into our ears. and thats okay. there are plenty of stupid people who keep buying their songs. cycle, people. 

* thats not to say know struggle. but im also not producing music and charging 1.99 for a song...

yep.

so im on my way to maryland tomorrow morning for about a month. a touch nervous about traveling/flying since its so close to the new year and bad feelings and such but im sure itll be okay. (famous last words.)
im sure my packing sucks so im just gonna stop trying.
let see. its 2012 so this is my first post of the year. cool.
i got to see my family over christmas and it was the greatest feeling ever.
now i must rest.

womp womp womp

i dont believe in zodiac signs shit but its always cool when something is spot on. 
when reading the shit for sagittarius it makes me want to punch a slag in the face.

la tristesse durera toujours.

you were a child crawling on your knees toward it making momma so proud but your voice is too loud

lately ive been feeling more and thinking and shit. i miss the shit out of my parents. i did a bunch of stuff when i was deployed to make me feel better about pretty much leaving them because i couldnt stand being near them. now i wish i could bake them shit and hug my mom and get in stupid arguments. its probably because im surrounded by a bunch of hispanic moms. hispanic moms are different than other moms. they have a special touch that bleeds on to everyone they interact with. theyre more patient and wise. like my mom. some chicks have daddy complexes. i have a mom complex. everywhere i go i latch on to anyone that can be a mother figure. its not that i didnt have my mom (like my mom didnt have her mom) but its moreso that i feel i didnt truly enjoy her as a kid. took her for granted and when i ran off to the army, my mentality was to not look back. stupid as it may sound, so it goes. 
i dont know where i was going with that. 


another thing i recently established. i feel unfulfilled and alone because at the age of 23, im making money that i should be making in my 40s. theres not too many people my age that have the money of someone older and the responsibilities of someone younger. most of them have kids or debt. or no money. and the older demographic is boring and dont share any interests and assume im just making mistakes. 
so where to go, where to go. 

fuck a duck.

im in texas.
i am being evaluated today.
i am severely bloated.
i have horrible cramps.
i left my stupid tylenol in the classroom.
i am about to throw up from how much pain im in.
i am eating cheerios with bananas for breakfast.


but i cant. because i feel sick. motherfuck me.

fuck a duck.

im in texas.
i am being evaluated today.
i am severely bloated.
i have horrible cramps.
i left my stupid tylenol in the classroom.
i am about to throw up from how much pain im in.
i am eating cheerios with bananas for breakfast.


but i cant. because i feel sick. motherfuck me.

like omg.

--redacted-- :)

the day.

the day that i have to write an essay in the real life work field and for some reason have to cite my scholarly journal sources, i will blow my stupid brains out. 
for the past like six weeks my life has revolved around writing essays, drafts, scholarly journals and apa/mla formatting. having worked in "the real world" for the past six years and mainly dealt with military intelligence and writing stupid memos for the government i find most of this writing to be... gaybies.
the thing is, i KNOW this is just in the here and now. nobody cares about it aside from professors and annoying people who criticize grammar on public forums (see: any yahoo news article). it doesnt make this whole process any less incredibly-fucking-stupid, annoying, uuugghh.
on the flip side my writing's self esteem has become incredibly bloated cus i get a lot of compliments in the "passion behind my writing". the problem with that is i'm really, really, REALLY apathetic when it comes to shit. i mean, there are very few things i give a shit about enough to research and then write three pages about it. additionally, i also have this horrible ability to argue any and every side. so let's say i start talking about legalizing pot- (this actually happened in an english essay) halfway through, i inadvertently switch sides and i end up opposing the opposite view and then i'm all mind fucked all over the place. whatever. the point is, i probably have arthritis now. 
right now im supposed to be writing an essay for psychology. its no big deal, just pick a scholarly journal and a topic dealing with psychology and point out a few things, etc. it was due three weeks ago. i stupidly went up to my professor and asked her how bad not turning in the essay would affect my grade and she coerced me into turning it in late. that was about a week ago. after a long weekend i decided to sit down and at least start writing this thing. as you can see, i've become distracted. the cool thing about procrastinating is that i get a lot of other shit that i've been putting off, done. so, i dont want to do laundry but i definitely dont want to write this essay. the lesser of the two evils is washing a load of laundry. win, win. 
i told myself that if i dont finish this essay tonight, i will have to take up rigorous exercise. because if i dont pass this semester or get a degree, i will need to have a good toned body to fall back on cus nobody can love a retarded failure that cant write an essay thats already three weeks late.
fml. 

twenty seconds to comply.

if you never rely on anybody or anything you'll never be disappointed or surprised.

calm before the storm

in a few weeks my niece is going to be leaving and thats when im going to have to make that jump i think. its ridiculous just how shitty this situation is, regardless of how depressed/identity-less i am, or if i'm back to normal and content in life. 

its really annoying when i think about how fucking alone i am when it should be different. who the fuck gets married to just become isolated? or celibate? or have a nazi roommate? 

everyday its something new lately. which wouldnt be an issue if it were something pertaining to something of a unity. but nope. country music- the only genre i cannot fucking stand. watching the news- even though ive been literally YELLED at for talking about the news. (yeah? what kind of fucking psycho yells at someone for wanting to discuss the goddamned current events? A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH)

it's basically like he is growing and i'm staying behind. which would be fine, if he wasnt a giant pussy and would let me know what the fuck is going on. but no, instead i'm checking the classified looking if anybody needs a roommate and trying to find a storage unit for all my shit that wont be going immediately with me wherever i end up. 

i might not know much in this huge ass world. but i know i am never making this idiotic mistake again.

ive been so many places. ive seen so many faces. but nothing compares to these blue and yellow purple hills

somtimes shit gets so stupid that i am like maybe there is fresher air somewhere else and lately thats how im feeling. but before i get too deep i want to say that

I AM NOW ENROLLED IN MOTHERFUCKIN' COLLEGE!

so its only a matter of time before i start getting paid to say the things i say now but dont get paid for. basically all the hard parts are over with. i aced my placement test and i'm in the two classes i'm most interested in for now. ive had my oldest niece staying with me for the summer which has been awesome. anyways. back to my original thought. things here are not getting better. theyre getting lamer. which i actually thought was not possible. ive tried thinking that maybe i can force myself to be happy in this boring and loveless life im in but nah. jami had a pertinent quote today: "remove the rock from your shoe rather than learn to limp comfortably". from the end of 2008 til about the beginning of 2011, i was in a shit storm of a depression. no matter what, i failed and sucked at life. i could be getting high, getting drunk, hanging with the fams, hanging with my besties, didnt matter. it was like eating the best fucking chocolate cake ever but it tastes like warm water. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW FUCKING ANNOYING THAT IS? and i knew i could get out of it. that was the worst part. so i tried harder and harder with every fail thinking that maybe that would be the thing that bumped me back into my smooth road. eventually i realized what i had to do and it meant i had to use some people. "everybody is using somebody for something". that all started in 2010. 

theres a person in my life who for some reason i decided to share my life with. he's the only person that is really capable of fucking up my day. which is a shame because he fucks up my life. even when things are "good", they're not. they're stale and lifeless. it's like getting a chance to fuck james roday and you find out he's a horrible lay. basically, living this life is walking around with rocks in my shoes. a bunch of them. all of these rocks. some of jagged, others make me itch, some are okay, i could deal with it but only if there wasnt like 90 other rocks annoying the shit out of me. so for the past few years, ive been limping around. for a while, i was so so sad about the rocks in my shoes. so sad, in fact, that i stopped being myself. and everything kept going bad. if i tried to be pretty, i was still ugly. if i cared too much, i was oppressing. if i cared too little, well then i drifted away and things got too bad. i dont know. all i know now is that there is no solution here. 

but through my own brilliant genius i was able to stop being gay and things are a lot better now. if you dont care about something, it cannot phase you. so, by that logic, i control what is going to affect me. "take the power away". haha "whenever i get sad i stop being sad and start being awesome".

and then theres some people in my life who are surprisingly pleasant to have around and i feel crazy for not having them around more and for longer. but patience is a virtue and everything happens for a reason. all i know is that i cant stand living with someone so boring, so unlike me, so angry all the time, so unaffectionate and passionless and incredibly selfish. and i refuse to waste more opportunities thinking its somehow my fault.

things or soon to be happenings.

it seems like there is never any time to do anything. i remember days used to last weeks. there was ample time to play, talk, sleep, eat, make messes and have someone clean it up. not anymore. i always wake up late and im rushing and then im late and then im here and even here at work i dont feel at peace and then its time to go home and theres always somewhere to go or something to do and all the unfinished things and blahblahblah. no time. then its time to sleep and do the whole shit over again. where do people with several kids find the time to do ANYTHING?

ive been thinking a lot lately probably because i am not a depressed douchebag. theres a few things i want to do this year

like start school. i have an awesome idea for my life. i want to become a therapist or psychologist assisting veterans with PTSD. i would love to open my own practice, actually.

also i want to run. id love to be a runner. not like marathons and shit. the army made me hate running since waking up at 5 in the fucking morning and standing around for half an hour, then stretching with 5-100 other people and THEN going for a run where we all have to stay in a formation, is NOT my cup of tea. that gives me the opposite of a hard on. to do that, i have to stop smoking. or severely cut back. which might be one of the hardest fucking things ill do since i totally enjoy smoking. 

id love to paint for an entire day

id love to learn to draw awesomely.

etc

etcetc

etc

e

c

t

the way you move that body

so i have decided to make an effort to get a stupid degree because the current career field i am in actually pays me for every degree i have and one is better than none. apparently its really annoying to get into college. i bet that the actual college work is not difficult but i will be so drained from trying to get in that i will be too tweaked out to focus. no, i am lying. i have barely tried to get this accomplished but its still pretty annoying.

anyways i finally made a five year plan. its probably really far fetched but we will see in five years.

crazy is what crazy does

--redacted--