the good die young.

my heart hurts so fucking much.


all i can think about is how much more i could have told you so maybe in your last moments you could have changed your views. maybe we could have convinced you to force the doctors to do more. we talked about it several times but you looked so ALIVE that the possibility that one day you would not be sitting in front of me never crossed my mind. we did not know each other completely but you were definitely part of the family and now that you have been ripped from us it feels like there is a gaping hole that will never be filled.
you meant so much to us and i regret not showing it to you more or telling you that you were one of us. you knew it- i just never told it to you.
you spoke of death so often that it seems surreal that you are now on that side of life, waiting for us. you were so fucking young and so full of potential. fuck potential. everybody knew what you were capable of and you were being held back. more than anything though i hope you are where you have wanted to be for years. i hope you have found peace because you were always looking to the beyond for answers and you were always coming up empty handed. you're an angel with the rest of them and your words in your songs will live on, you beautiful bastard, you.
weekend cookouts and benders will never be the same without you and we will all feel the void.


rest in peace, brah. you were one of a kind and you will be severely missed.

driver take away my worries of today and leave tomorrow behind

just want to point out i really suck at writing in this things but anyways it is monday and i am trying to waste some time before i vanish from work to go eat cereal in my living room. on saturday i drove out the shitty nearby towns of sv and found some abandoned trailer homes and photographed the shit out of them with some friends and that was pretty cool. on the flip side i believe i might have picked up some ghosts from it all considering the dreams i had last night. also in a little over a month i will be heading back to texas yet again. after that it will be time to expand my travels to other states i have not yet been to.
there is a guy that sits on the other side of my cubicle and he yawns a lot but his yawns sound a lot like a bear roaring before it kills you. its the loudest fucking noise in the world. coming from one guy. sitting near me. and hes one of those people that completely readjusts himself when he realizes hes yawning. like suddenly he is uncomfortable in his chair and hes got to stretch and sniffle. annoying.
oh no. there is a crisis at work. time to look interested.

fuck it. buy the coke. cook the coke. cut it. know the bitch before you caught yourself lovin it.

so all is right with the world again or something. i decided i want to collect license plates and that has been the topic for the past few weeks. also i mentioned a stalker and that was the reason why i had to go private for a little while. stop fucking asking haha jokes! i’m glad someone gives a shit. no but seriously all those lifetime movies make stalkers look like a lot of fun and theres always a scene where the psycho girl is chasing the awesome girl around the house with a kitchen knife and then someone shoots the psychopath in the head and the movie ends but in my life that is not how things played out. no. instead the psycho is still alive and she just does not bother me anymore because she probably figured out i am the most boring person to stalk. speaking of boring, i am so incredibly boring oh my god i am typing this thinking wow i wish i had run someone over or something interesting to write about. so its hitlers birthday which reminds me of simon rich’s bit

as soon as my time machine was finished, i traveled back to 1890, so i could kill hitler before he was old enough to commit any of his horrible crimes. it wasn't as gratifying as i thought it would be.
-oh my god. you killed a baby.
-yes, but the baby was hitler.
-who?
-hitler. it's...complicated.
-officer? this man just killed a baby.

haha that is humorous as fuck.

we need to take a step back to appreciate what the fuck is going on

i am trying to get my shit sorted and its rather difficult when i have no idea what im actually doing but man.... some people have their shit even less sorted than me and i did not even think that was possible.
anyways. 
some people are stupid and wreck their lives because they're simply stupid.
and the truth is probably that i fit right into that category 
anyways. thats it for now. because i forgot what the fuck i was talking about and became distracted with a cheshire cat.

thats when i got up and left.

oh i have not written in a long time but there is a good reason it is because i have been without the internet and because i have been so so busy and overwhelmed with life. that is actually a funny statement because i have adopted a lifestyle that requires i only take life one minute at a time. it would make sense that everything starts piling up now. but it is okay because i knock everything down a minute at a time. some of the shit that is going on is i have a goddamned stalker. i got drunk a lot in el paso. i am back in arizona. i have become a fantastic employee. oh and that stalker is not one of those cool ones that begs to be bragged about. no it is a psychotic girl.

also i am the proud owner of some of the coolest sunglasses ever. they are sitting in front of me and i cannot stop staring at their gorgeousness. anyways if anybody wants the answer to life and happiness let me tell you what it is: taking life one minute at a time and not caring about anything or anyone. you might call it jaded but i call you stupid.

the truth is

everytime i think things are just so so bad and i think things could get so so better i realize maybe it is not so so bad. this is the most normal thing i will ever have anyways. 


so i am back in texas and i have been sick as shit since i got here but i am finally either getting better or it no longer hurts. basically i have learned that mexicans are made out of dust and i breathed it in and acquired tuberculosis. also it has been a really chaotic HALF OF A WEEK. i got super drunk i think friday night because i guess i was in denial that i had to work the next day and then everything went to shit real quick. then i went to work and had a miserable day because i was still drunk and because haters want to hate. or something.
anyways. the next two weeks are going to be really stupid but it is better than being home i guess. 
i should get my dumb ass in the shower. it might be a long day already.

you are beautiful but you dont mean a thing to me.

ive had a stark realization recently that i know so many beautiful and outstanding people and some of them have a quality that the other has not like that episode or movie whatever of futurama where fry's girlfriend has like a bunch of boyfriends and he gets jealous and shes like WTF. i love all of you.

kind of like that but nothing like that all at once. so i guess i just want to be happy everybody wants to be happy and i am kind of happy lately so i think that is okay. but some people are like whatthefuck. you should not be happy! and im like UH?

but like i guess everything is kosher because everybody is turning the blind eye on everything. and so earth is mad and shifting around and the water is mad so its sloshing around and the birds are still flying, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

i decided i dont want to write anymore today. bitchassness. this post is stupid. disregard.

if thats not love then i am misinformed.

you have me stuck and caught and lost and wrought. fuck you are beautiful and fuck you are interesting and fuck you are distracting and fuck i need you. and i hate the minute i must inform you that your purpose is not what you had in mind because i think you forgot and i am just as fucked up as you and you are just as fucked up as me and thats why we are so fucking fantastic together. we are so so magnificent and when it is us i wish i could shatter like a mirror and you could see what you do for me. 

my dilemma

i love smoking cigarettes. mainly because they make me look cool. also because my body craves them. someone once said that is called an addiction. i hate running. but someone once said that fat people do not run. thus, to avoid fatness, one must run. this directly interferes with my smoking addiction. and so i am torn between the two things i love and hate.
because everytime i run i feel like a fire is starting in my lungs and spewing acid into my chest and throat and as soon as i finish my stupid run the only thing that can bring me down is a cigarette and the cycle begins again.


this is my life.

you can run on for a long time, sooner or later god'll cut you down.

well fucks sake a bunch of shit has happened since i wrote the last time i did not die in california obviously. i found out my dad was jumped in honduras. so i no longer identify with that country. i got a speeding ticket. i lost my debit card and i have been pseudo poor ever since i got back from california. 

none of this is important. what is important is i need to vent. i cant get over some shit and even when i try to make myself not give a shit i just get pissed off. do you know how annoying all of this is day after day. it actually does help knowing that you are equally as burned but i will continue to make a joke out of you. i still do not know what i am waiting for but i do know the day gets closer when i think of shit like walking through that door in korea or that dumb fucking slut walking up to me and the stupid look on her face. 

you have obviously never been fucked over or you wouldnt dance so close to the edge.

so i have not bought a pack of cigarettes in like a week and it is driving me crazy. at this rate i could probably quit and be okay which would not be so bad because then i can keep running but that will probably not happen. this is all in preparation for when i leave america forever and move to like paris. then i will just walk everywhere every day and i will smoke cigarettes and drink wine and not do shit with my life. then i will wake up and realize i am still in my cubicle ignoring the work i should be doing. awesome.

i got hope in my pocket and God on my mind.

checkit. im heading to california in an hour or so and ive got a bad feeling so i hope i do not die because i have a lot to look forward to. if i do not write again it is because i died. cheers!

kind of like the trees blowing in the wind but less calming and more horrible.

i am listening to music at work. johnny cash to be exact. and then i zoned back into the real life world and realized everyone in the office is talking at about the same tone. so there are like five conversations going on and it just all sounds like static to me. it made me realize i should go smoke. and go find a binder. cus i need one of those.

im heading west today. ill drive through the night and reappear sometime after midnight. hope that all works out for me. i got plans, son! next month i will be texas bound. and yeah. thats that. time to get some work done, now.

it is what it is when its not what it appears to be.

you're sadly mistaken if you think i will ever give a shit about you. 

fucking insecure liar.

hoffhoffhoffhoff

the irony is killing me!

yesterday i was left. yesterday i had coffee. i was told i might be left. i was given a giant bouquet of roses and a balloon. i was kissed. i was hopeful about that night. i was grieving. i bought a heart shaped pizza. i smoked a lot. i drank even more. i went to bed alone. i got pissed and said fuck this and asked his friend if he knew anyone who might to fuck a wife on valentines. i fought. i fought some more. i waited for my pill to kick in while i kicked back my drinks. i had a mega headache. i passed out. i woke up. i had a headache. i hate this. and i have given up on every. single. soul. in. my. fucking. life.

but other than that, shit's great!

it's yours!

i am at work right now and it feels like those crucial moments before somebody completely loses their shit and snaps so before i do that and get arrested i thought maybe i should write something. 
so in the past few days this is what has happened: a friend came out to visit and i drank a lot of gin and tonic over the past few days. turns out i really like gin and tonic so this may become a new favorite for me. did not expect that. had a lot of fights with mike. i got pulled over for possibly the dumbest infraction ever. i did not get a ticket. i put my warning citation on the refrigerator because it's the only thing i have to be proud about. i drove to tucson because that friend and i wanted in and out burgers. we ate in and out burgers. we fed some pigeons. i may have contracted bird flu. will post developments in the near future. me and friend got coffee. me and friend drove back to home base and provided mike with enchanted in and out burger. mike was not impressed. i have lost all respect for the man. introduced friend to mike. mike continues to be antisocial. mike accuses me of sleeping with friend. i get pissed. mike and i continue to fight. i have decided to go to california this weekend to see my best friend and my sister and my parents. very inconvenient time. but i need to be near people who love me. ironically mike may be coming with me because i am terrified to make the drive alone. insanity will ensue, probably. considering taking the dive. still being a pussy. insanity, insanity, insanity. 
this morning i have diligently been taking notes and making my cheat book of lesson plans. also i have been trying to figure out if i got fucking paid for all that overtime i put in and also trying to find out how i should go about paying for my stupid credit card. 
everything sucks
everything sucks
everything sucks
all work and no play makes me a dull girl. all work and no play makes me a dull girl. all work and no play makes me a dull girl. all workign and no paly makes me a dumb girl.

whatevskis.
oh and i forgot that i missed my army duty stuff... oh i hope they do not put an arrest warrant out on my head or something because honestly i cannot take any more stuff on my plate. 
oh man everybody's shit is falling apart and it's the end of the world as we know it and i feel fine. except not really.

hang onto your hopes, my friend.

time, time, time, see what's become of me.
while i looked around for my possibilities,
i was so hard to please.
but look around, the leaves are brown,
and the sky is a hazy shade of winter.

....funny how my memory skips while looking over manuscripts
of unpublished rhyme,
drinking my vodka and rhyme.
i look around, the leaves are brown,
there's a patch of snow on the ground,
look around...

if you cant stand the way this place is.

-REDACTED-

anyways. so how about how fucking weird today has been lets talk about that for a second hahaa everybody and their mom has been talking to me. and then the plans got bumped up as opposed to canceled jesuschrist. so i am listening to the blues and some beat music and im digging life its so funny and whats more it is going to be okay. i dont know it but i can feel it. or maybe because jazz has a way of bringing out my happy bop. maybe its because i know ill be eating some pills tonight maybe its anything. 

i guess ill go home now.

ill be your superman.

i love how all morning i have been giving advice out left and right i feel very helpful today even if my personal situation keeps degrading more and more every minute. i fully intend on drinking and eating some pills tonight. ive been looking forward to this weekend for a while now. hopefully its not fucking horrible. but i have a feeling what with the way of the world and the irony of life i do believe it will be at least horrible. heres to that explosion ive been drinking to!

anyways its nice to know my problems are overshadowed by others waymorecomplex situations. it makes it easier for me to deal with this. i rock at giving advice i suck at following my own.

so that is where i stand. i want to give half my heart to california and i want to see where bliss is going and i want to forget about arizona. and i do not want to be conscious for any of it.

basic fundamentals.

so girls are sluts and boys are sluts and sometimes you want a boy to be only your slut and he says okay and you both agree that you wont be sluts perse but maybe you will be exclusive (sluts) to each other instead. and that is cool for a few days, a few weeks, maybe months, probably not years but you try anyways. and the only flaw in the otherwise sound logic is that there are still other sluts in the world and these sluts are not comfortable being lonely sluts and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, a true slut loves more than a boy who has agreed to exclusivity and for her to win that trophy of ultimate slut of the day!

and there are few things a boy slut enjoys more than feeling wanted by a pretty (slut) girl. it's always inadequacy issues. boy's dad probably left when he was a baby and the girl's mom probably drank too much and she has daddy issues because what girl does not have daddy issues.

so within seconds the entire formula is ruined and theres no room left for the original girl slut who maybe perhaps wanted to change. and so this slut wants revenge because thats what sluts do. they perpetuate sluttiness as a means to feel validation or maybe to teach someone a lesson. and the cycle is born. 

and people play this game forever until we die and our slutty offspring can continue and live on in our name.

this is why i will not procreate.

and this is why no one in the formula will ever be happy and there is no happy ending and someone at one point or another has to make the call to stop the madness and go start it somewhere else. some call it giving up, others call it accepting defeat, others say its being the mature one, i say its just chasing a high.

maybe next year i will take up opium.

tree days. or something.

i love that i am what is driving me crazy.
also i love when you open your eyes everything around me turns gray and im left seeing blue. my favorite part is that it is all a fallacy and i cant wait for the magnificent explosion. this is a comedy. two players in the same game. it becomes boring so quickly when predictability comes into play and this is the same song and dance. i can justify every act and they can ignore every plea. but im holding on for that final show :)