the truth is

i honestly just wanted to be happy with someone. i wanted to share memories and experiences with a best friend and wanted to go on road trips with someone i could laugh with and make fun of silly things and listen to the same music. i thought i would be with someone who could take my light jokes at their expense and play wrestle with me and if they hurt me, they would apologize and when i stopped crying we could laugh at it. i wanted to be with someone who could sit at a coffee shop with me and we could talk for a while and then we could not talk and that would be okay, too. i wanted someone who couldnt keep their hands off me and every one else were just people cast in our lives because they had to be there but if he could have it his way id be the main star. we were suppose to spend our lives together and take hundreds and thousands of photos together and youd always have that smile and twinkle in your eye. every wall in our house would have a frame of us smiling and you were suppose to love that i cared enough to put my heart into making our home OUR home and putting love into every corner. what i wanted was someone who was not going to lie over stupid shit and if they had a bad day id be their go to. not a computer or a video game. the person i was suppose to be with wouldnt think it is just enough to "support" my decisions but actually "support" me. i wanted someone that if i was gone for a few days and drove a few hundred miles to see them the first thing they would do would be kiss me not scream at me for "scaring" them. they also wouldnt have been stupid enough to be drunk and they never would have gone to sleep after a long fight.


no. this is not the way at all that things were suppose to go. i dont know where to go from here but i die on the inside everytime this happens and honestly, there is not much left. i dont know where to go. but i do know that you dont love me.