on my drive home tonight it finally dawned on me. happiness is a state of mind. ive had a pretty decent bank account and i was extremely fucking happy then but i was also extremely fucking high. ive had full blown love. and then it faded away when i finally broke out of the initial euphoric stage. it also brought full blown fucking insanity.
i dont know what is going to make me happy. ive had best of friends that i thought would always be there and they disappeared or i forgot them. ive had everything you could basically imagine except for a goddamned hollywood life. i think i mightve figured out all of life's surprises at a relatively young age and i'm terrified it's jaded me and maybe just maybe im going to have to fake it til i make it. there is no way around this. maybe its just everything that's happened these past couple of days. i think i lie way too much on a daily basis. but i think between last night and tonight something inside of me broke. and it was the happy meter that was being charged for me and i just don't know but what i'm looking for and where i am looking for it is not... right.
i feel sorry for somebody who cannot feel.
i feel even more sorry for somebody who can feel but has become so bored with every possible human emotion that they have to navigate through life through the same trial and error.
this fucking sucks.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
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Life isn't about marking things off a checklist, but to be honest, I don't know what its about. I think part of living is trying to figure that out, and life means something different to all of us. I think the most fulfilling thing is finding a purpose and drive. It's when I am driven that things don't feel so bad and I am able to bounce back quicker. That's why I have been down so much out here, I haven't found my drive and I haven't found my purpose. Once I do, I'll be back to my emotionless self, back where it is safe.
ReplyDeleteI wrote something... long and convoluted... I got lost with it.
ReplyDeleteboils down to: there is a flipside to being enlightened, we feel things at the tenth power (both joy and depression), and I love you!
i am a best friend that has neither disappeared OR been forgotten... and im always here, wife. :)
ReplyDeleteor is it nor? lol. just saying :)
ReplyDeletedude i havent found a purpose in a long time. cus i dont really think there is one. after getting out of the army, where my personal life AND job were tied into one, i thought i would still pour myself into my job. but no. i have no desire to do that anymore
ReplyDeletei dont know that i want to be enlightened, b.
oh, and it's 'nor'. hahaha
sarah, you are definitely my exception. theres no one else that i dont see for fucking two years, i come back and we pick back up like i was just there last night. it's wonderful.