redefined.: how on earth did i get so jaded

i am slowly becoming a fucking loser. i carry around a pen and notebook so i can jot down shit that comes to my head during the day or when i have one of those brilliant moments and i'm like 'man i wish there was somebody here to listen to this prolific kvetch' now i have a way to preserve it in probably the sloppiest writing that i will never be able to read.
oh yeah i also almost died today so that was pretty fun. i was going on post in the afternoon and making a left turn on a three way major intersection, i had the right of way and some giant blue truck decided he didn't want to stop at the red light as i was turning left so i guess maybe he saw my terrified face as i karate kicked my accelerator down cus stopped like a foot or two away from my car door then i drove in a daze thinking about everything i want to do in life that im wasting time not doing like going to remote countries and shit.

one of the contractors i contacted made contact back and she said she wants to hire me duh too bad the job is in va even though they would put me up in a hotel and then i would deploy to afghanistan for 100k/6 months i know it sounds rad right of course there is a downside and that is i would literally have to make the decision: traveling job that makes a lot of money or i stick around in the marriage and see how long it takes me to find his new porn stash or girlfriend i am so excited i am wasting golden opportunities CAN YOU READ THE EXCITEMENT?

i spoke to an old friend today. that was great. i apologized, they apologized. it was all gravy too bad i do not feel any better now in fact i think i feel worse sometimes i think i have met some of the most interesting awesome people for a reason but they do not stick around long enough for me to figure it out
i am going to make a list of people who have literally changed my life but i wont write names in case somebody reads this and cries. I WILL NOT NAME NAMES.
1. pock-face-liar: in high school i dated an idiot actually i dated a few idiots but this one lied to me so many times that it taught me a lot about how to tell who is genuine
2. guy-who-would-not-sleep-with-me: i do not know why this fool didnt want to fuck me and i do not know why this affected me so much i do know that a year after i left for the army i came back home and i fucked him finally and then he proposed to me but i told him i could not marry him.
3. the-guy-who-changed-my-entire-life-to-this-moment: i think we both had equal levels of curiosity towards each other and that is why we are still friends after all these years
4. dude-with-the-really-fucking-big-smile: i do not think i will ever meet someone with such a big mouth again or somebody who did so much to me in such little time. that is the hardest i think i ever wanted someone i knew i would not ever have.
5. the-fucking-piece-of-shit-who-ruined-my-life-i-think: idiot infantry guy i dated before iraq and who continuously tried to fuck with my head while i was deployed until i could not take it anymore and went fucking nuts. oklahoma can suck it.
6. blue-eyed-angel: there are very few people you will ever meet in life that when you are around them you just feel fucking good they radiate positive energy. in iraq i met someone who did this for me and i wanted to keep that source of light forever but no matter how hard i tried i couldnt so i gave up and now he is happy and i am happy for him
7. for-british-eyes-only: i fell in love with a british boy in baghdad i have to selectively replay those memories cautiously because it gives me a severe case of dyspnea. it was a difficult time in my life and i cried so hard when he left the country. he called me from biap (the airport we used) checking up on me he left during a particularly dingy season when we were receiving a lot of rocket attacks where i lived and he called when i was walking home and i had to stop on the bridge and burst into tears. i didnt want to die and not see this gorgeous english boy again. i did not die and i never saw him again.
8. guy-i-took-a-lot-of-cough-syrup-with: its weird when you meet somebody in a shitty situation and then they leave you and never talk to you again and a year later, you are talking again. the weird part is when you constantly think about that person when they have obviously forgotten you. i think a lot of it has to do with despair.
9. person-who-stuck-my-stapler-in-jello: on the other side of the spectrum there are people who take a negative situation and make it humorous. i would have gone fucking crazy if it was not for thirty minute humvee trips to ammo points and office pranks and living in motor pools and getting lost in foreign country traffic.
10. guy-i-hung-out-with-everyday-until-i-left-and-gave-me-purpose: i never smoked so many fucking cigarettes out of stress and happiness. i also learned i am pro at disassembling impalas and that i am capable of caring.

its fucking weird how much i love these people in a weird way that is probably not healthy and i know i have to forget most of them. but i learned so much and it makes me sad i cant take more from them with me. dumb people for being in my life