it was an hooker. my uncle killed a hooker.

meh i am leaving for texas tomorrow morning for the next few weeks again. this is getting tiring. i like this job but i'm starting to hate several aspects about it. deep down i know i wont do this forever, the federal defense jobs. ideally i would have miles and miles and miles of distance between me and the military and the government. i dont want to be involved with these politics and i sure as fuck dont want the blood on my hands anymore. id love to emancipate myself from that past life. but theres no denying- the money is great. for now. that will be going away in the coming years. which is convenient cus i just figured out what i was holding on to. mike still has a little while before he can get away, too. after that, i assume i will have that normal life ive been wanting for a while. theres a good chance it might happen. theres an equally good chance that i will spiral out of control when things go awry and pill up. CROSS YOUR FINGERS.
anyways, so yeah. i'm leaving and i am less than ecstatic. id rather... i dont know. scream for a while.
i got a new kitten. i made some art tonight. it kind of sucks but i needed to vent or something. ive been feeling kind of like frustrated lately. probably has to do with that work situation. last month was so hard. ive started questioning everything again. the problem with questions is that they demand answers and i'm pretty pro at finding answers. DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE ANSWERS (however useless) TO QUESTIONS ABOUT EVERYTHING? it might sound amazing but its kind of more gayabukake. things become boring immediately after that. the simplest way to explain it is by quoting one of my favorite sayings: 'why do anything? we're all going to die anyways." same principal. but honestly, the questions i have now, i cant know the answers. and it drives. me. fucking. crazy.
so yeah, my art sucked. but you can't get better without doing something every once in a while right?
RIGHT?




maybe one day everything will be perfect
and all of the answers will be clear
and we can sip on pepsi and laugh about it over a cigarette.