you can run on for a long time, sooner or later god'll cut you down.

well fucks sake a bunch of shit has happened since i wrote the last time i did not die in california obviously. i found out my dad was jumped in honduras. so i no longer identify with that country. i got a speeding ticket. i lost my debit card and i have been pseudo poor ever since i got back from california. 

none of this is important. what is important is i need to vent. i cant get over some shit and even when i try to make myself not give a shit i just get pissed off. do you know how annoying all of this is day after day. it actually does help knowing that you are equally as burned but i will continue to make a joke out of you. i still do not know what i am waiting for but i do know the day gets closer when i think of shit like walking through that door in korea or that dumb fucking slut walking up to me and the stupid look on her face. 

you have obviously never been fucked over or you wouldnt dance so close to the edge.

so i have not bought a pack of cigarettes in like a week and it is driving me crazy. at this rate i could probably quit and be okay which would not be so bad because then i can keep running but that will probably not happen. this is all in preparation for when i leave america forever and move to like paris. then i will just walk everywhere every day and i will smoke cigarettes and drink wine and not do shit with my life. then i will wake up and realize i am still in my cubicle ignoring the work i should be doing. awesome.

i got hope in my pocket and God on my mind.

checkit. im heading to california in an hour or so and ive got a bad feeling so i hope i do not die because i have a lot to look forward to. if i do not write again it is because i died. cheers!

kind of like the trees blowing in the wind but less calming and more horrible.

i am listening to music at work. johnny cash to be exact. and then i zoned back into the real life world and realized everyone in the office is talking at about the same tone. so there are like five conversations going on and it just all sounds like static to me. it made me realize i should go smoke. and go find a binder. cus i need one of those.

im heading west today. ill drive through the night and reappear sometime after midnight. hope that all works out for me. i got plans, son! next month i will be texas bound. and yeah. thats that. time to get some work done, now.

it is what it is when its not what it appears to be.

you're sadly mistaken if you think i will ever give a shit about you. 

fucking insecure liar.

hoffhoffhoffhoff

the irony is killing me!

yesterday i was left. yesterday i had coffee. i was told i might be left. i was given a giant bouquet of roses and a balloon. i was kissed. i was hopeful about that night. i was grieving. i bought a heart shaped pizza. i smoked a lot. i drank even more. i went to bed alone. i got pissed and said fuck this and asked his friend if he knew anyone who might to fuck a wife on valentines. i fought. i fought some more. i waited for my pill to kick in while i kicked back my drinks. i had a mega headache. i passed out. i woke up. i had a headache. i hate this. and i have given up on every. single. soul. in. my. fucking. life.

but other than that, shit's great!

it's yours!

i am at work right now and it feels like those crucial moments before somebody completely loses their shit and snaps so before i do that and get arrested i thought maybe i should write something. 
so in the past few days this is what has happened: a friend came out to visit and i drank a lot of gin and tonic over the past few days. turns out i really like gin and tonic so this may become a new favorite for me. did not expect that. had a lot of fights with mike. i got pulled over for possibly the dumbest infraction ever. i did not get a ticket. i put my warning citation on the refrigerator because it's the only thing i have to be proud about. i drove to tucson because that friend and i wanted in and out burgers. we ate in and out burgers. we fed some pigeons. i may have contracted bird flu. will post developments in the near future. me and friend got coffee. me and friend drove back to home base and provided mike with enchanted in and out burger. mike was not impressed. i have lost all respect for the man. introduced friend to mike. mike continues to be antisocial. mike accuses me of sleeping with friend. i get pissed. mike and i continue to fight. i have decided to go to california this weekend to see my best friend and my sister and my parents. very inconvenient time. but i need to be near people who love me. ironically mike may be coming with me because i am terrified to make the drive alone. insanity will ensue, probably. considering taking the dive. still being a pussy. insanity, insanity, insanity. 
this morning i have diligently been taking notes and making my cheat book of lesson plans. also i have been trying to figure out if i got fucking paid for all that overtime i put in and also trying to find out how i should go about paying for my stupid credit card. 
everything sucks
everything sucks
everything sucks
all work and no play makes me a dull girl. all work and no play makes me a dull girl. all work and no play makes me a dull girl. all workign and no paly makes me a dumb girl.

whatevskis.
oh and i forgot that i missed my army duty stuff... oh i hope they do not put an arrest warrant out on my head or something because honestly i cannot take any more stuff on my plate. 
oh man everybody's shit is falling apart and it's the end of the world as we know it and i feel fine. except not really.

hang onto your hopes, my friend.

time, time, time, see what's become of me.
while i looked around for my possibilities,
i was so hard to please.
but look around, the leaves are brown,
and the sky is a hazy shade of winter.

....funny how my memory skips while looking over manuscripts
of unpublished rhyme,
drinking my vodka and rhyme.
i look around, the leaves are brown,
there's a patch of snow on the ground,
look around...

if you cant stand the way this place is.

-REDACTED-

anyways. so how about how fucking weird today has been lets talk about that for a second hahaa everybody and their mom has been talking to me. and then the plans got bumped up as opposed to canceled jesuschrist. so i am listening to the blues and some beat music and im digging life its so funny and whats more it is going to be okay. i dont know it but i can feel it. or maybe because jazz has a way of bringing out my happy bop. maybe its because i know ill be eating some pills tonight maybe its anything. 

i guess ill go home now.

ill be your superman.

i love how all morning i have been giving advice out left and right i feel very helpful today even if my personal situation keeps degrading more and more every minute. i fully intend on drinking and eating some pills tonight. ive been looking forward to this weekend for a while now. hopefully its not fucking horrible. but i have a feeling what with the way of the world and the irony of life i do believe it will be at least horrible. heres to that explosion ive been drinking to!

anyways its nice to know my problems are overshadowed by others waymorecomplex situations. it makes it easier for me to deal with this. i rock at giving advice i suck at following my own.

so that is where i stand. i want to give half my heart to california and i want to see where bliss is going and i want to forget about arizona. and i do not want to be conscious for any of it.

basic fundamentals.

so girls are sluts and boys are sluts and sometimes you want a boy to be only your slut and he says okay and you both agree that you wont be sluts perse but maybe you will be exclusive (sluts) to each other instead. and that is cool for a few days, a few weeks, maybe months, probably not years but you try anyways. and the only flaw in the otherwise sound logic is that there are still other sluts in the world and these sluts are not comfortable being lonely sluts and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, a true slut loves more than a boy who has agreed to exclusivity and for her to win that trophy of ultimate slut of the day!

and there are few things a boy slut enjoys more than feeling wanted by a pretty (slut) girl. it's always inadequacy issues. boy's dad probably left when he was a baby and the girl's mom probably drank too much and she has daddy issues because what girl does not have daddy issues.

so within seconds the entire formula is ruined and theres no room left for the original girl slut who maybe perhaps wanted to change. and so this slut wants revenge because thats what sluts do. they perpetuate sluttiness as a means to feel validation or maybe to teach someone a lesson. and the cycle is born. 

and people play this game forever until we die and our slutty offspring can continue and live on in our name.

this is why i will not procreate.

and this is why no one in the formula will ever be happy and there is no happy ending and someone at one point or another has to make the call to stop the madness and go start it somewhere else. some call it giving up, others call it accepting defeat, others say its being the mature one, i say its just chasing a high.

maybe next year i will take up opium.

tree days. or something.

i love that i am what is driving me crazy.
also i love when you open your eyes everything around me turns gray and im left seeing blue. my favorite part is that it is all a fallacy and i cant wait for the magnificent explosion. this is a comedy. two players in the same game. it becomes boring so quickly when predictability comes into play and this is the same song and dance. i can justify every act and they can ignore every plea. but im holding on for that final show :)

how anti-fucking-climatic.

 so far 2011 has been really really weird for me. i wouldnt say it is the first time this has happened but all in all the one word i would use to describe it all would be anticlimatic.

i dont know what im doing anymore and im losing my short term again and everything is blurring. all static. guh.

kicking it old school.

i woke up in a dream today

to the cold and the static

and i put my cold feet on the floor

forgot all about yesterday

remembering i’m pretending to be where i’m not anymore

a little taste of hypocrisy

and im left in the wake of the mistake

slow to react

even though you’re so close to me

you’re still so distant

and i can’t bring you back

it’s true

the way i feel

was promised by your face
the sound of your voice

painted on my memories

even if you’re not with me

i’m with you

you, now i see

keeping everything inside
with you

you, now i see

even when i close my eyes

with you

you, now i see
keeping everything inside

with you

you, now i see

even when i close my eyes





i hit you and you hit me back

we fall to the floor

the rest of the day stands still

fine line between this and that

but when things go wrong

i pretend that the past isn’t real

i’m trapped in this memory

and i’m left in the wake of the mistake

slow to react

even though you’re so close to me

you’re still so distant

and i can’t bring you back



no, i won’t let you control my fate
while i’m holding the weight of the world on my conscience

no, i won’t just sit here and wait

while you weighing options

you’re making a fool of me

no, you didn’t dare try to say that you don’t care

and solemnly swear not to follow me there

no, it ain’t like me to beg on my knees
oh, please, oh, baby, please

that’s not how i’m doing things

no, i’m not upset

no, i’m not angry

i know love is love,

love and sometimes it pains me

with or without you
i’ll always be with you
you’ll never forget me

i’m keeping you with me

no, i won’t let you take me to the end of my rope

while you burn it and torture my soul

no, i’m not your puppet

and, no, no, no, i won’t let you go

no, no matter how far we’ve come
i can’t wait to see tomorrow

no matter how far we’ve come, i

i can’t wait to see tomorrow

oops.

guess im getting a divorce.

we have to think up a name first.

=)

somewhere down the road.

siccckk. i dont have to work tomorrow since i am hitting my 40 hours today. i slept like fourteen hours last night. i am still keeping my fingers crossed. we finally got the couch in the house. it's amazing. i have not been kicked out of my house because things remain "civil". whatever the hell that means. my words.
it is five degrees outside. i want to get drunk. my cat is becoming more and more evil. i am thinking of changing her name to norma jean. or maybe master shake. i like it when my phone vibrates. i need pills. and i will be going on a smoke break in the very near future. that is about everything that is going on in my life. how are you?

figure it out.

becuase it's all part of the joke.

does anybody still even read this?