it seems like ive seen it all.

when i went into this i never thought id walk out of it and when i did i felt more empty more alone and more lost than i ever did. like finding the answers of life in the back of the book and no matter how badly, how fucking badly, i wanted those answers to be what i always expected and i always hoped for- it turns out they're not. there's nothing but sadness and pangs of pain in your throat as you choke up and you breathe in deep and blink it away. the long rides, such long rides. yellow rides, clouded rides. loudness resonates. you can still hear it and feel it and it's been years since the very ground shook. all thats left to be wanted is for this to no longer sit in the forefront of your mind and the distant stare to be a thing from the old movies.  
and still we know nothing.


i taught my first class today. after the first minute or two i was okay and everything came back to my mind smoothly like i maybe knew what i was doing. maybe i will not have to quit my job because i am a social retard. one of the guys im with has fucking bird flu or something because he keeps coughing and he keeps saying it is not contagious but i do not believe him. one time in korea i had a hemorrhaged cornea. and the stupid army doctors said it was pink eye and they put some drops in my eyes that burned so bad. and i told him i was pretty sure it was not pink eye and that i could literally feel a tear or slip on my eyeball but he laughed and said 'no it is pink eye'. i am not stupid or dirty. so i did not believe him but it is not like there is an eye bandaid to fix that kind of problem. i went back to "work" and they asked if it was pink eye and i said it wasnt but the docs thought it was. next thing i know there is like five bottles of lysol and disinfectant wipes going around and i was ostracized.  true story.


there is a 'walking dead' marathon tonight. ive seen all the episodes like ten times but i am still staying awake to watch scary things anyways. 
i got to stare at some pretty gorgeous blue eyes today. 


and i still have another two weeks to go.




ahw man i just watched the scene where the walkers ate the horses guts. man that sucks. WHAT IS THIS SONG?