i am what i am.

lately i have been feeling really sick. i think it's mentally. and it is manifesting itself into making me want to vomit. this morning i actually threw up while brushing my teeth. whenever someone says something stupid i feel it begin and i get so dizzy that if someone coughed i would fall over. the people i attached myself to at work for sake of social ties are not the worst. but they are not the brightest either and the one who is has his own life so there is not much room to build new pal-age. 
i want everything to go faster. i want my life to be so packed with shit on my mind that i literally have no time to think about what is going to go wrong or even if i am hungry or not. i have a friend with a potential tape worm. i hope he starts feeling full again and getting hugs on the regular. i made him pudding once. and heated up his hotpockets and frozen foods. poor thing.


it seems that life is better when you keep your distance from others, a rolling stone. don't stop moving like a shark. once you get caught up in emotions you have to slow down. i never want to slow down i hope i die before i slow down. love is a beautiful thing but it does not last forever. the trade off will never be worth it and if you disagree there is a chance you have never felt it or it has been too long since you cared and you feel you need to FEEL again. maybe i'll think like that again. but for now i want to be removed. i don't want to feel. i'd rather pop pills to fry my nerves and emotional receptors. desensitized. detached. dissociated. dehumanized. derailed. defined.


unfortunately.


this is not the case. i sit at a desk with no computer access and no one to talk to. I CANT EVEN BLOG. woe is me. back to grind i go. smell ya later!