wake up let go drink down and forget.

i remember a time when traveling the world was an option and i fit in tight jeans that made boys ask how the fuck does your ass move like that. i use to buy new cell phones every week because i could. flew to california on a whim and went to universal studios to take pictures. i was on so many drugs that i vaguely remember it but: i was so fucking happy and so fucking high. i walked out of a wasteland known as iraq. i walked into a life filled with obsessive compulsive tendencies. and pills. and guys that wanted to fix me. 
i wanted to go kayaking. i wanted to learn to snowboard. i wanted to go to lake tahoe with my friends from iraq. i wanted to sky dive. i wanted to rent a hot air balloon. i wanted to learn photography. i wanted to get stationed overseas and travel my entire time there. i wanted to fall in love and then leave him. i wanted to live in oblivion and be untouchable. a wandering speck of dust. 'I wanna die like jim morrison a fucking rock star i wanna die like god on the cover of time just a blink and it's gone so baby pour some fame in my glass.' kind of thing. scratch that. i wasnt trying to be a rock star basically i just wanted to keep floating through my life. for the first time in my life i was really happy- i found what made me smile, albeit a faded smile.


this is probably gone forever. 

my nails are painted purple today and i wake up pissed off every morning because either my phone is blinking or it's not. either way is wrong. television is smut. nickelback sucks, so does kid rock. girls are sleezy and everything electronic is repulsive.
and the funniest thing about all of that is i personally dont think it unless there is an additional factor in my formula. if i am Y and he is X and right now we are  (Y+X)/(tedious repetition)=the same fucking bullshit every goddamned day then that must mean that something has got to give. i dont know what else to do but i'm going to do all of it and eventually something is going to happen and if there are pills involved, sobeit. 


when i have a bad day its usually due to one aspect in my life, a tiny bubble in a vast bubble chart. as soon as i put some distance between me and that bubble things go exactly back to normal like nothing even happened. i dont even think of it! 

nwa up in this biznitch wha?

and yeah!