this post will self destruct by tomorrow morning.

exhausted would be a word i would use to describe everything in my life right now. physically i am tired from my run. it is difficult to get back into something you hate with the mindset that you love it and the endorphin release is actually worth it. i am exhausted with not caring about what goes on in my house. i do not even know if i care or dont care or if i only care that i don't care i could get lost in the circles i run around in my head. it is so difficult to describe with words. i guess there are many moving parts everybody always says that. but life is about circumstances! if this happens then i will do this! WHEN DO YOU MAKE THE DECISIONS? when its too late is what i have found to be the best time. i always hesitate. that is a lie. i never hesitate i am so fucking spontaneous that i never realize i just ruined a life. theres a linkin park lyric that always stuck out in my head. "when the papers crumbled up it cant be perfect again" i cannot vouch for what future me will say or think in regards to that and it makes me terribly sad that i may make decisions today that will make me cry in the future. i use to never think twice about doing something, but i hesitate. that is the part that hurts. 
i rushed into a decision two years ago because i did not hesitate two years ago. i was korea bound in a matter of months and i did not want to go alone. i was terrified of the unknown and doing it alone. i did not take into consideration that i would still be alone the entire time and not just alone but i would encounter one of the darkest most miserable emotions a human will ever feel. if i had foresight two years ago, i do not know that i would have been as pertinacious. 
i recently told myself "one last lie, that is all it will take before the dam breaks" i stand firmly by that statement. maybe i will regret it, maybe it is what i need, it will hurt like nothing i have felt, and i will be humble.


i will be humble.
i will be alone.
i will manage to be okay with that.
because thats what humans do. 
nobody blinks when things go right but when things go wrong thats when people care.


if i should encounter a clyde along the way, then i guess things will not be so lonely. i just hope that between now and then nothing changes.


i am also exhausted with going to bed at nine pm and waking up at 6 am. i want to sleep for days. earlier i was thinking about the feelings of being out of breath. suffocation would suck. but drowning... the feeling of letting go and just sinking. i dont know man. i fucking love swimming.


taco bell commercials remind me of a simpler time when i would go to some cool kids apartment and bring them burritos after work. it seems like just yesterday! 


... read this while you still can. im fucking deleting it when i get to work tomorrow because it makes no fucking sense unless you know what im thinking and since i have a warped idea of the truth i am sure this makes sense to fucking nobody.
GAH. can i please get back to not giving a fuck??