still i wait with a hope inside of me, so still, i wait until again we meet until again we meet.

five. maybe six. that is the number of people who i truly believe truly cared about me and my happiness. they are the ones that i could ask for anything and i probably would have gotten it. but there was always something preventing me from reciprocating. the first one was right before my time in the army. the next one was in iraq. that was the one i decided to see how far i could go and not blink twice when i hurt him. i didn't care. it was odd having someone waiting on my every move. the next one was shortly after my return and it took me a while to learn that i had an ability to manipulate him. sometimes i still do not know. the rest of them do not matter because i do not want to disclose such sensitive topics in such an insensitive manner. i dont know the point of this post. i started it earlier and then got slammed with work. i just got back from eating sushi with the work clan. (it is not chinese but i guess it is asian.) we talked about weed oh and i learned one of my co workers who is like forty five maybe older is a party animal he hangs out with twenty something year olds because old people can not keep up with him and he was telling us about his latest keg stand. you guys, he is like six feet tall and like two hundred something pounds country guy. it was hysterical to me.
work shit has been kicking my ass because i hate computers and because apparently i do not know how to read the english fucking language. so now mason makes fun of me because he will say something to me and ill be like 'what' cus i am also deaf or something and he busts up laughing. man i fucking suck. i am so awkward.


i sent mason a copy of my resume yesterday and he did some work on it last night. he thinks i could easily get into the instructor job. he told me to clean up my resume based off what he wrote so that is my homework tonight. speaking of homework i think i am going to start college. i have been saying that for like five years but maybe now is a good time to start. 
i was talking to B earlier about herself and her destructive tendencies. B is my sister, i have two of them. but B is the only one i identify out of my entire family. she is basically an older version of me. but she is more outrageous. she has gone through what i have not gone through. she found her identity and happiness after several life changing situations, one of which i will probably will go through and i can already see myself traveling the same road she did. the interesting part of all this is i am able to identify her 'flaws' problem areas only because i have the same ones. yet when it comes to me i still find myself struggling to follow my own advice.


what do you do when you want something but you cant have it or at least not in the near future? what if hesitation makes it go away? and what if that thing is a robot? you know you cant trust robots. them shits are made of gears and bolts!