i cant fucking sleep and the more minutes that pass i realize i have a fucking problem

and maybe this problem can be solved with drugs and reading and smoking excessively but maybe it cannot maybe i need to get away like seriously before i do some permanent damage?! i dont trust people and maybe i should. i mean what do i have to lose anyways? we're all going to die! that is the foundation of my very being. 
the point is this is getting seriously ridiculous. i just did the weirdest shit i have ever done in all my life and i just want time to fucking hurry up so this guy can wake up and i can drive him to formation and i can smoke and drink coffee and become so delirious from sleep deprivation that nothing makes sense and i feel so good.
I DONT LIKE YOU AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I DO NOT TRUST YOU AND I DONT WANT TO SEE YOU but honestly i am so fucked up in my head that i will continue to drive myself fucking insane oh my god somebody shoot a tranquilizer in the side of my throat please please please i am begging you.


is prostitution illegal in arizona? it is near nevada. maybe i will move to nevada and do it there instead. probably i should talk to somebody before i begin acting on these impulses. it is now 237am i think time just moved backwards.


when i look at pictures that i took during my time in korea i get a weird feeling in my body that shoots up to my brain and makes me almost want to vomit and i can look at a picture and clearly feel that moment replaying in my head and i start panicking because i do not ever want to feel like that again. it feels like being under water and you think it's okay i can just swim to the surface but then you realize THERE IS A FUCKING GLASS ON TOP OF THE WATER and you can pound and kick and waste all the oxygen in your body but you have to wait until your branch manager removes the glass. but by then it is too late. you have permanent brain damage and its for a lot of reasons and maybe it is just best i delete those pictures now rather than later. 
it makes me sad to delete a piece of myself but it is for the best anyways. dont you hate it when you look at a photograph of yourself from a particularly unpleasant patch in life and anybody else can see you smiling and even sometimes you think you are smiling but you know better deep down that it is a faker than fake smile. you can just tell you are so uncomfortable like maybe you are underwater and your lungs are so full of water that you are pretty sure you are dead.

time stamp lies. dont mind me while i scratch out these imaginary worms in my shoulder.

holy shit why am i so depressing to myself god damn. its like i start writing with one idea and somehow ended up on another i must have so much pent up anger. 246am.


on tv they are talking about bacon icecream and cupcakes it is making me sick oh god