dont look now.

i think its amusing that in a relationship a man wants a non-whore girl. but they still love to check out other whores whether its on a porn site or at the store. talk about mixed signals! you get what you ask for, fucker. the verdict is in- sex sells and if you dont want to buy it i'm confident someone else is willing to. 
'if you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married' YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN KATHARINE HEPBURN. 
honestly though. is it so hard to be happy with what you got? the chain reaction has to start somewhere and think what you want of me, but i -never- begin the chain reaction.

i blinked and the fear seized me up and i went numb. panic flutters across my eyes and i know i'm tense. time travel portal and what if i dreamed it all. i don't ever want to feel like that again. robot anesthesia. grab the closest thing near me and i'm back. walk away like nothing happened and continue to pretend it was a past lifetime. 

i just got home and mike came in and within ten minutes he's informing me of all the upcoming changes and how he's gonna be an instructor in a few months and some other shit and people coming over for thanksgiving. it seems like so long ago that i cared about the shit coming out of his mouth. i grab my phone so i can focus on anything else so i dont have to ask questions cus honestly i dont fucking want to know. 
ive gotten so far detached about what -is- going on that if i tried to come back in, i would get knocked over by all of it. it's a race i ran for two years and was always in full sprint to keep up so when i finally stopped trying to stay ahead, everything kept going and i fell so far behind. but there's people there and i'm just trying to keep up with them now. i hope that makes sense, i'm not a terrible person. i just can't care. it is that simple. i love what i have (had) but that was so long ago that it's possible i dreamed it. there was a lot i didn't know back then that i now know. we've all heard it 'ignorance is bliss' and it is. but who doesnt want to be in the loop? the truth is, getting close to people equals caring. caring about people gives them the opportunity to injure you and i dont mean this in some angsty way. some people care with hugs and kind words. i don't. and letting go fucking sucks but i'm finally happy and floating through life again and in the end, i hope i can forget everything- that's all i want out of all of it.




there's a deployment job opportunity i am considering. there are two main reasons to forbear but the reason i want to convince myself is the important one is my current job. but the first chance i get to fly off, bet you're fucking ass i'm not sticking around. 
this place is a destitution and i'm not talking about arizona.