when someone says, that's gay, the best response is yes, i like it too!

every time i read something that joey comeau said or wrote, i fall in love with the guy. 
hero status.

lets fly away.

so as i previously mentioned, we are getting a divorce. the paperwork will be turned into the court in the very near future and by the end of this year, we will be divorced. 

i have no idea what is going on, how it got here or how it will end. 

i do know that michael is living with someone i met through an old friend, brandon. who has apparently fallen off the face of the planet.

2012 has by far been one of the strangest years of my life.

i move in to my new house this weekend. 

the million dollar question is: what or where will i be in a year

oh- and my parents made it back from honduras safely. they are doing wonderful. 

for a minute there, i lost myself, i lost myself.

how is it possible that ive lived this much in 23 short years?

michael and i are officially getting divorced. we'll begin paperwork the closer he gets to getting out of the army. 

meanwhile....

theres plans to run away. 

:)

honduras.

ever since i can remember, my family has been traveling often to honduras. and ever since i can remember, i would have a huge anxiety attack when my mom would leave me. i remember when we would drop her off at the airport, i would cry and cry and my head would hurt forever and i wouldnt be okay until she came back. then i took off for the army and it was me leaving her and that made things better for a long time.

til now.

both of them went back to honduras on business and i am losing my shit. my mom just called and it took everything out of my not to break into tears while talking to her. when we hung up, i officially lost my shit very similar to how i would lose my shit as a child. and i won't be okay until they're both back home and safe.

solution!

well, i figured out a way to stop being a debby downer!

watching always sunny in philadelphia. 

my biggest issue with this show is how hard it makes me laugh and how difficult it is to not suffocate from holding in my laughs in my cubicle.

self-sufficient...

i am so incredibly frustrated right now and i dont feel like talking to an actual person about any of it because that will either result in an "aw, that sucks man..." or some kind of speech of give&take of marriage or selfishness or some other shit i really, really am not interested in. so in a sense, this is like regression to childhood writing in a diary. dear diary!
this frustration doesnt just stem from one thing. or person. i've been on a little journey to eating "clean". thankfully (and unfortunately), there's a little population of thin, gym-addicted, sometimes-housewives out there who practice this and shares lots of awesome recipes i've been trying out. i like the idea of clean eating, and until recently, i didn't even know it had a title. i just thought it was eating non-mainstream. not drinking the kool-aid, basically (and literally). i've cut out almost all processed food. in a way, thats a little bit of a lie. i mean, i still use canned diced tomatoes (seriously, can NOT beat that convenience. i tried, and there was not enough taste difference to justify cutting up a dozen tomatoes by hand...) i'm going to effectively cut out dairy products and probably drop almond milk because i don't drink it enough to justify wasting money on a carton i'll end up dumping out.
my main staples lately have been tomato based sauces. i tried some turkey last night and it was alright. don't know if that will be a weekly thing.
anyways, im rambling. i've been buying this healthy food and i'm never sure if i have to feed everyone else in the house (i'm the weird one that eats weird shit) or if i'll get stuck eating all of what i made. it's hit or miss. THAT is fucking annoying. either switch over to my diet or let's lay it out what is and what isn't happening.
which brings me to my next point... what exactly IS this? i suppose most of it is my doing, with my "who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?!" attitude. either way, i enjoy my new-found freedom, even if i'm not slagging it up. everything i've learned since those days has made me a little jaded about slagging. but it would be cool to have my own joint to decorate how i want to, not feel guilty if i do something and not feel like i have an authority figure staring me down.

i like to think of myself as a very self-sufficient/reliable person. i won't buy something on credit- cant afford it now? dont buy it now. i can feed myself. i can shelter myself. but theres a semblance of a safety net that's available to me and when i find myself using it, i just feel myself getting pissed at how unreliable it is. i hate someone that doesnt take initiative. i hate someone that wont just do something the way i tell them to do it. i hate someone that thinks their animalistic ways are better than mine.
while we're on the subject of shit i hate, i hate motherfuckers who need constant reassuring. i am not your goddamn therapist. i am not here to talk you into being here in the first place. you must have me confused for someone who gives a shit.
i wish shit could just be simple. it's not like any of it matters, anyways. why does there always have to be a fight. or insincerity, or some huge fucking finale.
lately, i've been going out with friends on the weekends which is a huge shift from my "fuck everybody and doing anything with anybody cus you're all fucking gay" stance. now, assuming i have gone out 10 times; of those tens times, there has been some fucking dramatic, negative downward spiral at least 8 times. and that is from EVERYBODY. from the possible gay guy who apparently hit on every dude and then got weird, to the dude who took off running because he was acting stupid and i corrected him and then proceeded to walk ten fucking miles back home after i chased him down in the goddamn rain, to the dude who threatened to kill everybody in the house during a game of beer pong, to the crazy stalker broad that shows up out of nowhere, to getting jumped at ihop...
is it too boring to go out, get drunk, have fun, talk shit and everybody pass out without hurt feelings if they're not getting laid? holy shit, batman.

but all of these things are in an effort to do something. have some kind of passion or joie de vivre or just something to give a fuck about. when someone asks me why i bother eating so healthy when i'm just going to go smoke a cigarette later... well no shit. i'm not trying to live forever. but if i give no fucks about anything, might as well end this ride sooner rather than later. but instead of that, i say "cus fuck the man for thinking he can get over on us with their usda and fda. at least the cigarette companies tell you their product will kill you".

cus really, we're all going to get got, anyways.


oh. i ended up on some blog though pinterest about "7 different ways to wow your spouse" and it had nifty little ideas for everyday of the week. if by nifty, i mean horrifically boring. i have a theory that people have families to avoid all ^that^ up there. something to keep them going. something to leave behind, as if it mattered.
never bothering to consider how terrifyingly boring and frog-in-the-well that is.
so you have three kids before thirty and you're stuck devising pasta casseroles every night to feed your family of five, no personality and you're left coming up with seven different ways to wow your spouse, like "thank him for everything he does during the day, like 'thank you for going to work'". motherfucker, it's your JOB. when the spice of the dynamic is gone, it's gone. lightly touching him every time you walk by won't stop him from fucking his secretary because he's bored of his no-personality, casserole-making, child-factory wife that he's stuck with for the next 20 years.


oh, people.
the things we do to keep ourselves from going fucking crazy.

lawlz.

one night two parents went out for dinner
a few hours later the baby sitter called and asked if she could cover up the clown statue in the kids room
the dad told her to get out of the house and call the police and that they didnt have a clown statue
when the police got there it turned out they did have a clown statue and the dad had alzheimers

i was born with an invisible locket around my neck. only half of a heart. the right half. the half that said, 'BE.' everyone else had the 'MINE.'

what a humbling experience when you are proven again and again and again (THREE TIMES! THREE ACCOUNTS!) that the only person you can rely on is yourself. to think anything otherwise is just being delusional. 


what a fucking shame.

-Oscar Wilde

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.

whaat.

turns out i think arab men are le hot. 
that is all.

i still cant focus on anything.

for the longest time, my advice to people ends with "do what makes you happy". obviously, over the past couple years, ive been super unhappy. stagnant. realistic with pessimistic undertones because, fuck it- we're all going to die anyways. the therapist in maryland said i am probably depressed but i didn't bother following up with a psychologist. if i can't figure something out on my own, do i really deserve to know?

anyways. the key here is my unhappiness. it's pretty multifaceted. it's stems from everywhere. from being married to someone i share nothing in common with and have too shitty a background with to bother giving a fuck anymore, to feeling hopeless about my education, to not being able to stand 99% of my friends. yeah, i know that makes me sound like a depressed whiny mf'er. which is why i just float through like being stagnant and unhappy. i GET that it's a cycle. it might even feed into itself. i'd have to break out of this in order to verify that, by the way.

i started taking some more college, working towards that psychology degree and i realized that the field of psychology draws in some really annoying people. like HUMINT, in the military, psychology attracts people who think that being able to analyze and "mindfuck" someone and read them and know when they're lying, etc, is a superpower. newsflash, it's not. anyone can do it. all it takes is someone who has nothing better to do than invest a fuck ton of energy on understanding one person. once you have that intimate information about them, what then? 

see. even something i genuinely thought was kind of interesting kind of isn't. what will never devalue, if you will, is my deep desire to HELP. speak for those who have no voice, walk for those chained down, etc, etc. haha, how many liberal arts/human rights degrees are there? the world isn't interested in martyrs and mother theresas. that doesn't pay the bills. and whereas doing something i love for a living sounds great, not drowning in bills and debt sounds even better. i've made it to 23 with pretty good credit (not really even sure if i have credit) and only a car payment. that person i'm legally obligated to has about 6 years on me and definitely can't say the same. underwhelmed, to say the least. 

he's been talking divorce recently. asking me for an effort to fix this. funny, he is the one who conditioned me to be this way since 2009. be careful what you wish for, as they say. unfortunately, this is still my mess to clean. so either way, i fucking lose.

so to bring this in a semi-full circle, happiness vs unhappiness. the thing is, i really have no idea WHAT makes me happy. you know how some people are like "if i could just have more money..." or "if i was married..." well, i don't have those kinds of what-ifs. mainly because i've had all of those before. i make great money. i'm not saying money cant or can buy happiness (it's easier to cry in a mansion, guys.), i'm just saying that won't do it for me. neither will meeting the "perfect" dude since i've never had much of an issue in that department, either. maybe finishing a degree? but i -know- i'll be burnt out before it's all said and done, so i'll keep moving towards that endstate, but it won't bring sheer and unabated happiness. it will only be an accomplishment. one that people do everyday, so not really a big feat. 

so here we are. maybe i'm a miser of sorts. maybe there is a legitimate concern dealing with my emotion state of being. or maybe things really aren't that exciting. 

i do know that i'm sick of being married to someone i resent a LOT. 

and that's probably the worst part of it all. 

anyways. thats the quest.

WHAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY?

this is the worst thing that you have ever done.

i have insomniac meat by finch stuck in my head. its great. 


anyways. so i guess i am getting divorced. its weird. processing that is weird. 
and so fucking tragic. 

with the wife.

this is what it feels like

so i suppose we're reaching the end and it's calm. i hope it stays like that. i couldnt hold on much longer, see.

a test of myself.

so i started working out earlier this month. this is week three. whereas ultimately i want to "lose weight", it's a lot more than that. i've always heard people say that working out and eating healthy is amazing. you lose weight (duh), feel more energy, sleep better, skin looks healthier, blahblah. i want to test it out. obviously i'm not doing it to prove it wrong and turn around and eat some spaghetti-os. whatever i do here now, i plan on keeping it for the rest of my life. just less obsessively. i'm still trying to get the hang of it. even though ive read just about everything there is to "weight loss", some things you read so often they lose their meaning. "drink more water". no shit. i ONLY drink water (and coffee) the only way i could drink more water is if i hooked myself to an IV 24/7. but somehow i cannot seem to "drink more water". it's a science- i understand that. consume less calories/fat, burn more through exercise. 

the first two weeks were 40 mins total of cardio and about 45mins of different machines, targeting different areas. that got me sore everyday and ready for the next 2 weeks of straight cardio everyday. 30 mins elliptical/bike/etc, 30 mins interval running on the treadmill. 

as far as food goes, i've been eating some kind of breakfast daily, snacks throughout the day and lunch and a small dinner. i try to incorporate as much black beans and spinach into everything because for some reason those are the two things i know will never lead me astray. i'm desperately trying to make sure i dont eat anything past 730/8 at the latest. last night i failed at that and felt miserable.

so thats whats up. what i have to show for it? nothing so far. haven't lost a single pound. in fact, i've fluctuated but only up. 

i am constantly tired/exhausted. my skin hasn't changed much. though, this does force me to wash my face of makeup in the afternoon so i don't sleep with makeup on. i sleep hard, wake up during the night a bunch cus i have to piss and i wake up tired every morning. i have the same level of energy as always. and the only difference is now i have 2 hours less in my day to do anything and i'm doing laundry every other day. 

so... here we are. am i frustrated? fuck yes.

am i worried that i wont lose a pound even if i do this for a year? yes.

honestly... i have no fucking clue when i'll see any kind of result but i'm getting impatient. the only thing that keeps me going is that theres a possibility that ill see results "next week" and if i stop now, ill want to start again in a few weeks and think about how far i could've been if i stuck it out now.

also it doesnt help having a husband who eats like a fat ass 24/7. that part is one of the most frustrating things ever. i was a size 3 jeans when i met him. fucks sake.

immune system? whats that?

IM SICK!
im pretty sure going to the gym today will be about 75% worse than going to the gym any other day. sadness ensues.

a little feminist in the morning.

The following day, I attended a workshop about preventing gender violence, facilitated by Katz. There, he posed a question to all of the men in the room: “Men, what things do you do to protect yourself from being raped or sexually assaulted?”

Not one man, including myself, could quickly answer the question. Finally, one man raised his hand and said, “Nothing.” Then Katz asked the women, “What things do you do to protect yourself from being raped or sexually assaulted?” Nearly all of the women in the room raised their hand. One by one, each woman testified:

“I don’t make eye contact with men when I walk down the street,” said one.
“I don’t put my drink down at parties,” said another.
“I use the buddy system when I go to parties.”
“I cross the street when I see a group of guys walking in my direction.”
“I use my keys as a potential weapon.”

The women went on for several minutes, until their side of the blackboard was completely filled with responses. The men’s side of the blackboard was blank. I was stunned. I had never heard a group of women say these things before. I thought about all of the women in my life—including my mother, sister and girlfriend—and realized that I had a lot to learn about gender. —  Why I Am A Male Feminist.

the world in brief.

i hate when people talk about the news. because i hate the news. then people complain about the news but continue to watch it. people do this in every facet of their lives. bitch about politicians but continue to contribute to that cause. they complain about how much x-celebrity makes but they go to watch their movies, buy their dvds, pick up a tabloid, whatever. i stopped watching the news around dec 2006. it was before i knew i would be deploying. i was sitting in my shop in 4 id and the master sergeant had some news on. they were talking about the surge and i felt sick to my stomach. after that, it was a rare thing for me to remotely give a shit about the news. the news lies. and they make people panic and feel anxious about shit they have absolutely no fucking control over. 

i say, get as informed as you possibly can and then let the anxiety make you more stressed and worried about your finances, your job, your family, your nation, your health. worry really fucking hard. because the more you worry the closer you are to the heart attack that will take you away from the shit youre worried about and extra bonus! you take *some* burden off the tax payers. except that the whore down the street who has 7 kids with another on the way and no concern about birth control will cancel out ANY good you might have done by dying.

what brings me to this? i got bored at work (waiting for some assholes to show up to get my work on)

i checked out the google news.
Quran burning angers Afghans; US vows probe: simple solution. hey assholes, stop burning qurans. this is the equivalent to them as an islamic man coming and raping kids. youd be pissed too, am i right? how fucking hard is it to NOT disrespect another fucking human? shoot him in the face, cool. but piss on his god? fuck off.

Chris Brown, Rihanna team up for two remixes: who fucking cares? seriously. he beat her ass (probably deservingly. rihanna strikes me as someone who would annoy the calmest of men...) obviously shes over it. if he beats her again, good. she apparently didnt learn the first time and money seems to be > her pride.

anyways. my bank account hit an all time low due to my stupid little vacation in jan. who wouldve thought being married is infinitely more expensive than being single. ugh. im selling a ton of my shit cus i dont need it and i prefer money over things. then im going to turn around and buy more things.

black coffee. since the blues caught my eye.

good music is born from struggle and passion.

"I haven't been born yet and I already hate my generation and pop music. I wish I wasn't yet born in another era when everyone smoked in the hospital and canned food killed 1/3 of the population."

i used to bitch that my generation had the worst music and the lamest culture. but its only because they dont know what it is to struggle and pour their hearts into our ears. and thats okay. there are plenty of stupid people who keep buying their songs. cycle, people. 

* thats not to say know struggle. but im also not producing music and charging 1.99 for a song...

yep.

so im on my way to maryland tomorrow morning for about a month. a touch nervous about traveling/flying since its so close to the new year and bad feelings and such but im sure itll be okay. (famous last words.)
im sure my packing sucks so im just gonna stop trying.
let see. its 2012 so this is my first post of the year. cool.
i got to see my family over christmas and it was the greatest feeling ever.
now i must rest.