songs of people.

gasolina (sarah)
let me love you (jerry)
twilight (jlb)

the last 7 ish months.

i made a huge mistake and i dont know if i will ever recover from it.

that is all.

As for your beginning and exordium, I no longer remember it, nor consequently the middle; and as for your conclusion, I will do nothing of the sort.

reading for the blind.

and nonexistent. 

the year is almost over. i think we can be thankful for that. i wonder if this will be considered a "good" year in life's book. if it is, i'm a little disinterested in what 2013 will hold.
considering where i stand right now, on this 11 december 2012, it can only go down from here.
i have a roommate. she was there when all this shit went down. she met brandon. she met michael. she's how i came to run into tom again. still deciding if that last one is a blessing or a curse. i never know. 
i never heard back from brandon. i can only hope that wherever he is, he found what he was looking for, whatever that was.
michael and kira are living happily ever after. the chain of events that HAD to take place for all of this to culminate are staggering. it's just recently that it's stopped taking my breath away.
our divorce was finalized on 3 december 2012. a good friend, evisa, got me a cake. it said "free at last, free at last". it was fucking delicious.
i still do not know where i will be in a year. 
but i've stopped knowing anything.
i definitely stopped caring.
and i'm okay with that.

tomorrow i'm taking my cat to the vets because she gained a lot of weight. i hope it's just that she's a glutton that eats all the food and not that she has some kind of cancer. i can deal with a fat ass.

it's been such a long year.
and such a long life. 
thank god for my little orange bottle.  

ecg

"wherever death may surprise us, let it be welcome, provided that this our battle cry may have reached some receptive ear and another hand may be extended to wield our weapons."

psy.

"You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself."
-- Galileo Galilei

untitled.

at times like these its best to close your eyes, hold your breath and keep marching forward. 

i hope i dont lose my shit when i wake up from all of this.

when someone says, that's gay, the best response is yes, i like it too!

every time i read something that joey comeau said or wrote, i fall in love with the guy. 
hero status.

lets fly away.

so as i previously mentioned, we are getting a divorce. the paperwork will be turned into the court in the very near future and by the end of this year, we will be divorced. 

i have no idea what is going on, how it got here or how it will end. 

i do know that michael is living with someone i met through an old friend, brandon. who has apparently fallen off the face of the planet.

2012 has by far been one of the strangest years of my life.

i move in to my new house this weekend. 

the million dollar question is: what or where will i be in a year

oh- and my parents made it back from honduras safely. they are doing wonderful. 

for a minute there, i lost myself, i lost myself.

how is it possible that ive lived this much in 23 short years?

michael and i are officially getting divorced. we'll begin paperwork the closer he gets to getting out of the army. 

meanwhile....

theres plans to run away. 

:)

honduras.

ever since i can remember, my family has been traveling often to honduras. and ever since i can remember, i would have a huge anxiety attack when my mom would leave me. i remember when we would drop her off at the airport, i would cry and cry and my head would hurt forever and i wouldnt be okay until she came back. then i took off for the army and it was me leaving her and that made things better for a long time.

til now.

both of them went back to honduras on business and i am losing my shit. my mom just called and it took everything out of my not to break into tears while talking to her. when we hung up, i officially lost my shit very similar to how i would lose my shit as a child. and i won't be okay until they're both back home and safe.

solution!

well, i figured out a way to stop being a debby downer!

watching always sunny in philadelphia. 

my biggest issue with this show is how hard it makes me laugh and how difficult it is to not suffocate from holding in my laughs in my cubicle.

self-sufficient...

i am so incredibly frustrated right now and i dont feel like talking to an actual person about any of it because that will either result in an "aw, that sucks man..." or some kind of speech of give&take of marriage or selfishness or some other shit i really, really am not interested in. so in a sense, this is like regression to childhood writing in a diary. dear diary!
this frustration doesnt just stem from one thing. or person. i've been on a little journey to eating "clean". thankfully (and unfortunately), there's a little population of thin, gym-addicted, sometimes-housewives out there who practice this and shares lots of awesome recipes i've been trying out. i like the idea of clean eating, and until recently, i didn't even know it had a title. i just thought it was eating non-mainstream. not drinking the kool-aid, basically (and literally). i've cut out almost all processed food. in a way, thats a little bit of a lie. i mean, i still use canned diced tomatoes (seriously, can NOT beat that convenience. i tried, and there was not enough taste difference to justify cutting up a dozen tomatoes by hand...) i'm going to effectively cut out dairy products and probably drop almond milk because i don't drink it enough to justify wasting money on a carton i'll end up dumping out.
my main staples lately have been tomato based sauces. i tried some turkey last night and it was alright. don't know if that will be a weekly thing.
anyways, im rambling. i've been buying this healthy food and i'm never sure if i have to feed everyone else in the house (i'm the weird one that eats weird shit) or if i'll get stuck eating all of what i made. it's hit or miss. THAT is fucking annoying. either switch over to my diet or let's lay it out what is and what isn't happening.
which brings me to my next point... what exactly IS this? i suppose most of it is my doing, with my "who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?!" attitude. either way, i enjoy my new-found freedom, even if i'm not slagging it up. everything i've learned since those days has made me a little jaded about slagging. but it would be cool to have my own joint to decorate how i want to, not feel guilty if i do something and not feel like i have an authority figure staring me down.

i like to think of myself as a very self-sufficient/reliable person. i won't buy something on credit- cant afford it now? dont buy it now. i can feed myself. i can shelter myself. but theres a semblance of a safety net that's available to me and when i find myself using it, i just feel myself getting pissed at how unreliable it is. i hate someone that doesnt take initiative. i hate someone that wont just do something the way i tell them to do it. i hate someone that thinks their animalistic ways are better than mine.
while we're on the subject of shit i hate, i hate motherfuckers who need constant reassuring. i am not your goddamn therapist. i am not here to talk you into being here in the first place. you must have me confused for someone who gives a shit.
i wish shit could just be simple. it's not like any of it matters, anyways. why does there always have to be a fight. or insincerity, or some huge fucking finale.
lately, i've been going out with friends on the weekends which is a huge shift from my "fuck everybody and doing anything with anybody cus you're all fucking gay" stance. now, assuming i have gone out 10 times; of those tens times, there has been some fucking dramatic, negative downward spiral at least 8 times. and that is from EVERYBODY. from the possible gay guy who apparently hit on every dude and then got weird, to the dude who took off running because he was acting stupid and i corrected him and then proceeded to walk ten fucking miles back home after i chased him down in the goddamn rain, to the dude who threatened to kill everybody in the house during a game of beer pong, to the crazy stalker broad that shows up out of nowhere, to getting jumped at ihop...
is it too boring to go out, get drunk, have fun, talk shit and everybody pass out without hurt feelings if they're not getting laid? holy shit, batman.

but all of these things are in an effort to do something. have some kind of passion or joie de vivre or just something to give a fuck about. when someone asks me why i bother eating so healthy when i'm just going to go smoke a cigarette later... well no shit. i'm not trying to live forever. but if i give no fucks about anything, might as well end this ride sooner rather than later. but instead of that, i say "cus fuck the man for thinking he can get over on us with their usda and fda. at least the cigarette companies tell you their product will kill you".

cus really, we're all going to get got, anyways.


oh. i ended up on some blog though pinterest about "7 different ways to wow your spouse" and it had nifty little ideas for everyday of the week. if by nifty, i mean horrifically boring. i have a theory that people have families to avoid all ^that^ up there. something to keep them going. something to leave behind, as if it mattered.
never bothering to consider how terrifyingly boring and frog-in-the-well that is.
so you have three kids before thirty and you're stuck devising pasta casseroles every night to feed your family of five, no personality and you're left coming up with seven different ways to wow your spouse, like "thank him for everything he does during the day, like 'thank you for going to work'". motherfucker, it's your JOB. when the spice of the dynamic is gone, it's gone. lightly touching him every time you walk by won't stop him from fucking his secretary because he's bored of his no-personality, casserole-making, child-factory wife that he's stuck with for the next 20 years.


oh, people.
the things we do to keep ourselves from going fucking crazy.

lawlz.

one night two parents went out for dinner
a few hours later the baby sitter called and asked if she could cover up the clown statue in the kids room
the dad told her to get out of the house and call the police and that they didnt have a clown statue
when the police got there it turned out they did have a clown statue and the dad had alzheimers

i was born with an invisible locket around my neck. only half of a heart. the right half. the half that said, 'BE.' everyone else had the 'MINE.'

what a humbling experience when you are proven again and again and again (THREE TIMES! THREE ACCOUNTS!) that the only person you can rely on is yourself. to think anything otherwise is just being delusional. 


what a fucking shame.

-Oscar Wilde

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.

whaat.

turns out i think arab men are le hot. 
that is all.

i still cant focus on anything.

for the longest time, my advice to people ends with "do what makes you happy". obviously, over the past couple years, ive been super unhappy. stagnant. realistic with pessimistic undertones because, fuck it- we're all going to die anyways. the therapist in maryland said i am probably depressed but i didn't bother following up with a psychologist. if i can't figure something out on my own, do i really deserve to know?

anyways. the key here is my unhappiness. it's pretty multifaceted. it's stems from everywhere. from being married to someone i share nothing in common with and have too shitty a background with to bother giving a fuck anymore, to feeling hopeless about my education, to not being able to stand 99% of my friends. yeah, i know that makes me sound like a depressed whiny mf'er. which is why i just float through like being stagnant and unhappy. i GET that it's a cycle. it might even feed into itself. i'd have to break out of this in order to verify that, by the way.

i started taking some more college, working towards that psychology degree and i realized that the field of psychology draws in some really annoying people. like HUMINT, in the military, psychology attracts people who think that being able to analyze and "mindfuck" someone and read them and know when they're lying, etc, is a superpower. newsflash, it's not. anyone can do it. all it takes is someone who has nothing better to do than invest a fuck ton of energy on understanding one person. once you have that intimate information about them, what then? 

see. even something i genuinely thought was kind of interesting kind of isn't. what will never devalue, if you will, is my deep desire to HELP. speak for those who have no voice, walk for those chained down, etc, etc. haha, how many liberal arts/human rights degrees are there? the world isn't interested in martyrs and mother theresas. that doesn't pay the bills. and whereas doing something i love for a living sounds great, not drowning in bills and debt sounds even better. i've made it to 23 with pretty good credit (not really even sure if i have credit) and only a car payment. that person i'm legally obligated to has about 6 years on me and definitely can't say the same. underwhelmed, to say the least. 

he's been talking divorce recently. asking me for an effort to fix this. funny, he is the one who conditioned me to be this way since 2009. be careful what you wish for, as they say. unfortunately, this is still my mess to clean. so either way, i fucking lose.

so to bring this in a semi-full circle, happiness vs unhappiness. the thing is, i really have no idea WHAT makes me happy. you know how some people are like "if i could just have more money..." or "if i was married..." well, i don't have those kinds of what-ifs. mainly because i've had all of those before. i make great money. i'm not saying money cant or can buy happiness (it's easier to cry in a mansion, guys.), i'm just saying that won't do it for me. neither will meeting the "perfect" dude since i've never had much of an issue in that department, either. maybe finishing a degree? but i -know- i'll be burnt out before it's all said and done, so i'll keep moving towards that endstate, but it won't bring sheer and unabated happiness. it will only be an accomplishment. one that people do everyday, so not really a big feat. 

so here we are. maybe i'm a miser of sorts. maybe there is a legitimate concern dealing with my emotion state of being. or maybe things really aren't that exciting. 

i do know that i'm sick of being married to someone i resent a LOT. 

and that's probably the worst part of it all. 

anyways. thats the quest.

WHAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY?

this is the worst thing that you have ever done.

i have insomniac meat by finch stuck in my head. its great. 


anyways. so i guess i am getting divorced. its weird. processing that is weird. 
and so fucking tragic. 

with the wife.